Delusions

Kieran – “And I think, depending how much money I get for my birthday, I’ll get the next series.”

Me – “… Your birthday’s gone.”

Kieran – “I meant Christmas.”

Me – “Who do you think you are? Jesus?”

Blanket

Uncle Phil – “Bloody hell Mary, how big is this blanket you’ve made?”

Mom – “I did get a bit carried away….”

Me – “I think if you dropped it from a great enough height it could kill a man.”

Is this really the best use for Wankelmut after 6pm?” – Me, at a wedding in my dream

Why am I filling the fucking kettle? I’m just trying to pour myself a glass of Vimto…” – Mom

Life Choices

Beginning of a film – a woman a married man was having an affair with has turned up at his house to confront him and his wife. This woman is pregnant.

Mistress – “The baby kicked. I need you to be a part of this, Bob.”

Wife – “Get the hell out of my house!!”

Mistress – “….. This is what you want, Bob?”

Me – “Bob is wearing eyeliner and a mustard cardigan indoors. He doesn’t know what he wants.”

Preparation

Me – “Aaaaaahhhhhh crap I don’t know where I’ve put my phone.”

Mom – “Why don’t you ring it?”

Me – “It’s on silent.”

Mom – “Surprise, surprise.”

Me – “I’m sorry, do you not watch horror films? A lot of people would still be alive today if their phones had been on silent.”

Wiring

Mom – “Why aren’t both sets of Christmas lights on?”

Me – “I did try but one of the plugs is broken. The spikey things which go in are almost falling off. I didn’t want to plug it in, it’s scary as all hell.”

Mom – “Oh don’t be such a baby. That’s why I’ve taped it together.”

Me – “Yeah, the tape isn’t filling me with the same confidence as you, Mom.”

Pricey

Me – “Dear Jesus, Starbucks are expensive! I would have gone to Costa but it’s too far.”

Dad – “Yeah, they are expensive and fucking hipsters to top it off!”

Me – “I think I sprained a finger just from handing over the last of my change….”

 

So, you know when you wake up and it just feels later than usual? Well I woke up this morning and was about to go back to sleep when I thought oh…. this feels weird. Checked the time…. my alarms hadn’t gone off and I’d actually woken up at the time I should have been leaving for work.

I managed to get ready in 20 minutes, left my room, shut the door behind me… locked myself out. My door has a lock on it and if the catch is down it locks as soon as it’s shut. I’d left my keys, car keys and bag in there. I’d just walked out with my coat and scarf.

Mom has a spare key so I messaged her and told these guys I was gonna be late. Mom has a million and one drawers in her room so checked all those and couldn’t find it. Thought might as well make my dinner for work now I’ve got time. Was still waiting half an hour later so thought I’d watch the end of a film I started last night.

When she STILL hadn’t checked her phone like two hours later I raided the room. I couldn’t even phone her at work because I have no idea what ward she works on and my phone battery was dying from checking my work emails on it.

So I found the key….. in a tiny drawer in the finger of an old glove surrounded by international plugs. Yeah. That’s where she thought it would be safest. It used to be attached to a blue purse but…. clearly that wasn’t good enough anymore. I’d already found the friggin’ purse so I’ve put it back there now.

The worst bit was she finally messaged me literally as I found the key.”

–  Me, explaining why I was two hours late to work on my last day before I break up for Christmas

Family Favourites

Nan – “When we had the new Virgin Box we lost all of the stuff we’d recorded…”

Auntie Jan – “Oh God….”

Nan – “And I went to watch Polar Express and they told me it was gone! I cried!! I was actually crying! I love Polar Express!!”

Auntie Jan – “Lee noticed it was on TV the other day and I told him for the love of God record it for Mother.”

Nan – “I was so upset!”

Me – “Oh my God… That’s like the dream I had that Matt had stolen and sold my copy of Con Air! In the dream I was crying and when I woke up I had actually been crying in my sleep. I love Con Air….”

Nan – “This family just isn’t right.”