It’s Christmas; a time when the days grow shorter and on weekdays so do the reviews, because as much as I love Christmas, I love eating and sleeping between work more.
Before I even touched this film I checked the synopsis and made sure there we no no actual babies involved. I think we’re safe.
Within 2 seconds this is already my favourite film when we see a Santa on the street, handing out candy canes, get knocked on his face when a woman pulls up and throws open her car door into him. She doesn’t even notice Santa when she starts shouting for her assistant, Donna, to go go go and why the hell are the streets closed on Thanksgiving for a parade – she’s late for her meeting with Grant.
Eventually she erupts into a large meeting room with the most 90’s design of everything ever – it was never even that 90’s in the actual 90’s. Lots of people are depending on this woman who turns out to be called Mary Class. She is very obviously Santa’s child and its so obvious it’s not even a prediction. The board members don’t give a shit who she might be they want to hear good news.
Hamilton: “We are all here waiting to be impressed.”
Me: “Then you’re all in the wrong meeting room.”
This woman is doing everything by email because fuck paper, save the trees!! But the board look quite put out by Mary’s presentation showing them a scary, giant, plummeting graph which is their sales forecast.
These people run the Spotlight department store and they want to know how they can save themselves. Well, Mary has a simple solution for that, you just put the name of your company in front of everything. Spotlight water. Spotlight toasters. Spotlight hats. Destination shopping means going to Spotlight, not the mall.
At this point she has said the word too many times and it has lost all meaning, taking my interest with it.
Back in her office she is celebrating with Grant by getting drunk.
Grant: “Hamilton was so impressed he’s put me in charge of New Business and Development.”
Me: “Grant, you say those words like you’re not really sure what they mean….”
Oh, turns out Grant and Mary are together, which makes for suspicious business decisions if you ask me, when Donna walks in to ruin the moment. Not that it matters, their relationship will be doomed the second she goes away and meets a Christmas stranger. Prediction #1.
Grant reminds her about the long Thanksgiving weekend they have planned with his parents – which makes no sense because the road has been closed for Thanksgiving so it’s already happening, they’re too late – which Mary is dismayed about because she cant afford to take a 4 day weekend, she’s a serious business woman! Instead, for some reason, on hearing this weekend is 4 days long, she is no longer going at all. Apparently she’s such a serious business woman she can’t even do a 2 day weekend.
The following conversation is how I wish all of my relationships were planned:
Grant: “Dinner, when I get back, then? Luigi’s? Monday?”
Mary: “Ooh, no, Monday is no good. Lunch, Wednesday?”
Grant: “No, I have racquetball with Harmon. How about drinks?”
Mary: “No chance.”
Grant: “Brunch on Sunday?”
Mary: “Coffee, 8:30, a week on Tuesday?”
Grant: “Can we make it 9:15?”
The only difference here is I would never turn down those drinks
In the absence of Donna and Grant, Mary is working for an unknown length of time, falling off chairs, drinking coffee from two different mugs, making her hair crazy and embodying every woman ever who has had to pull an all-nighter. What she doesn’t do is embody me by being on a treadmill while a parade passes by outside the window (another one!?). When the phone starts ringing next to two glasses of champagne, because apparently that’s what gets you through exercising and parades, I am sure Donna is going for the bottle but instead she picks up the phone.
When Mary hears it’s her mother on the phone she falls straight off the treadmill and into a pile of boxes, which is exactly how I feel every time I start making any sort of progress. The Mom is the harbinger of a Christmas casualty and Mary has to go back home. Her Dad’s had a heart attack, which is a favourite illness of Christmas, and would like Mary to come back to Polaris. Donna is happily helping Mary pick out clothes in the belief she may be able to take a rest herself with her maniacal boss out of town.
Donna: “Is this the heavy coat?”
Mary: “No, the green one.”
Donna: “I can’t see a green coat in here, only this sleeping bag.”
Mary: “No, that’s it.”
Me: “Maybe I should start rolling out coats up, tying them with rope and shoving them in the bottom of the wardrobe too?”
As it turns out that green sleeping bag is for Donna and she’s coming on this trip too because they’re joined at the hip. I’m not sure how Donna feels about this but, as an assistant, she clearly has no feelings.
We are up in Polaris where a quick conversation tells us one guy is going to be spending Christmas with his huskies, which he calls ‘eating beef jerky with the boys’. Of course this is when Mary rocks up and signals the fact this guy will be her new conquest. Gooooodbyyyyyye Grant.
Across the yard the mysterious dog man sees these two women talking to the dogs, who are waiting in the kennels for their next job, and, despite being able to walk over to these women in about 10 steps, this man decides this journey warrants getting on the back of his sled and having the huskies pull him over there. When he addresses the women there is a sudden MAD wind that ruffles Mary’s hair and uncovers a truly sinister smile – the entire thing can only be described as the homecoming of Satan.
When Mary addresses this guy as Luke she has clearly already forgotten about Grant and their coffee date a week on Tuesday. Meanwhile Donna is back there in her green sleeping bag wondering when the fuck she can get inside and stop carrying all of Mary’s belongings. Confirming my suspicion that Satan is back at the North Pole, Mary waits until Luke is standing on the back of his sled before she makes him use the word to make the dogs go, resulting in him flying into a snowbank and probably almost breaking his back.
This entire cast has serious issues with falling over and it’s usually Mary knocking them down. She should have been called ‘The Bulldozer’ instead of Cliff from film #1… Anyway, off they go through the wilderness to find her parents.
Donna: “It’s beautiful.”
Luke: “You city fools, we call those trees.”
Me: “Yeah, thanks for clearing that up Luke. I was just about to ask how you fit all of the employees into these really thin skyscrapers everywhere…. Ya fucking prick.”
Donna understandably begins freaking out when they pass various signs warning about avalanches and Luke begins shouting louder, because that will obviously help the matter. Weirdly the signal is great there in the valley because Mary gets a call from Grant which is cut short when she mentions they will be going through a tunnel. Donna is freaking out again because what tunnel? There’s just a mountain up ahead! But through the weird visual effects we pop out the other end into what appears to be Santa’s Village and everyone is just aware of it. There is a little village and some guy is walking reindeer and there is a model train with MOTHERFUCKING ELVES!
Donna: “This is where you grew up?”
Mary: “It’s a bit much, isn’t it?”
Me: “I dunno…. it’s like your Dad being God and Jesus saying heaven was a bit much and that’s why he went down to earth to become a storyteller.”
However I am happy to confirm that Santa knows better and there really isn’t much fear of a fire hazard anywhere. I’m big on this issue now. There are a bunch of jingling elves who are chanting and just generally making everything horrible. It gets even more horrible when they greet Donna by rubbing themselves on her. Luckily Luke comes to the rescue and distracts them with letters which is like cat nip to these guys until they get over excited and throw the entire bag around. When Donna sees a letter addressed to Santa in the North Pole she is very accepting of her boss’ dad being Santa Claus. It’s time to leave Donna to the sexual harassment elves whilst Mary goes off to find her family.
Mrs. Claus: “Where did this scrawny girl come from!? Oh my, look at you! You’re as skinny as a rail! And what happened to your hair, it used to be so long?”
Mary: “Good to see you too, Mom.”
Me: “If you replaced the words ‘scrawny’ with ‘fat’ and ‘long’ with ‘neat’ then you have my usual greeting.”
Mrs. Claus: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to make a fuss but you can hardly blame me. It’s been 6 years!”
Mary: “4, Mom.”
Me: “It’s nice to know that mother’s across the universe like to fabricate their own reality and not just mine.”
Mary tries to go unpack but is sent off to see Santa Claus instead. I presumed the man was immune to such things as heart disease and being short of breath but it makes a lot more sense when we see the big ass Santa sleeping in what looks to be the comfiest chair ever. When Santa wakes to find Mary looming over him he looks like he’s about to have another heart attack. After the initial shock he isn’t too bothered because he insists he’s fine and goes back to sleep to prove it because who needs visitors when they’re not sick? Not him.
I have to say, when we find Mrs. Claus preparing a giant breakfast of meat and pancakes the next day for her husband and Mary loses her nut because it appears Santa’s unhealthy diet may be coming back to bite him in the artery, I did not see this film taking this route. At all. I was more concerned about there being babies involved, not high cholesterol.
Mary: “What is all that stuff?”
Mrs. Claus: “Breakfast for your father.”
Mary, binning the food: “Did you ever think this might be the problem?”
Me: “And there goes Mrs. Claus’ plan to claim on the insurance.”
Still, there was no need to throw the food in the bin. This argument is continued over some very efficient pastry rolling and cookie cutting between the two. Donna asks if elves can’t learn a few things and help out with the family business, but as it turns out all of the elves are bumbling idiots. Mary offers herself up instead but Santa ain’t having that shit.
Santa: “No no no.”
Mrs. Claus: “Don’t you mean Ho Ho Ho, dear?”
Yeah, I really didn’t see any of this coming, hence the lack of predictions. At this point the only thing I can feel confident in predicting is that someone will fall over again, yet I cannot stop watching (and not only because I need a review for day #5). Santa tries to get up but is pushed back down by his wife, telling him he can hardly move. I mean sure, moving is a problem when people are holding you in your seat.
Santa: “She can’t do this! Mary is just a girl!”
Me: “YEAH WHAT!?”
Apparently Christmas is much too big a responsibility for the soft, mushy brains of women. Even the head strong women are not up to it. They’ll just go around changing everything and forgetting about tradition, which is the argument Santa is bringing to the table. Mary would like to point out there is a difference between traditional and primitive but I mean, I don’t know… I think I prefer the primitive, heathen Christmas where my only job is to get drunk and not attend church.
Mary has decided she’s staying to run Christmas and poor Donna is now trapped in the North Pole because screw her own family who have probably reported her missing at this point. Mary finds a box full of all of her old ideas about the stuff they could do for Christmas but Santa rejected because he was too scared to try them out. When it was clear he was never going to listen Mary gave up and went to be a business woman where everyone has to listen to her, instead. Mary is definitely gonna fuck up Christmas but Donna seems more than happy to help. The sooner they set the Christmas Village on fire the sooner she can go home.
In the workshop the elves are busy faffing around and falling off ladders into Christmas trees. Gary the head elf stops the entire work production when Mary enters the room in order for her to announce she’s taking over Christmas this year. Luke has also wondered in to hear Mary’s pep talk and watch her spit hot chocolate all over an elf in the front row when she mistakes it for coffee. You’d have thought she’d have tasted hot chocolate before, living in Santa’s Village and everything.
Mary is clearly trying to start a mutiny here and soon the elves are gonna want a union. Luke isn’t so sure and Luke would be right. The elves are understandably nonplussed because everything she just said makes no sense to them. I would be more confused about the daily productivity reports Mary has asked for, which is a favourite of managers who forget that reporting on productivity would actually impact productivity because employees are too busy making reports and not producing what they’re paid for. Business failure 101.
To keep her quiet while Mary sets off down her war path, Donna is put in charge of the naughty and nice list and told to check it twice. Mary is going nuts with the power and the excellent phone signal she still gets doesn’t help because Grant is in touch and wants to know when she’s coming back. I’m not even sure what he’s doing back because he should be with his parents for Thanksgiving and not in the office. He’s also gone ahead and told the Spotlight board that Mary can have some sort of product testing report back before Christmas. Merry Christmas Surprise!
Gary the elf couldn’t find any productivity reports because no one knows what they are, so bought candy canes instead, which I think is a fair trade. In answer to this Mary asks him to get a bunch of elves together and is again stopping productivity in order to form a focus group for her spotlight work back home because Grant so kindly brought this forward 3 weeks.
Mary: “Skip, if I gave you a toaster, what would your reaction be?”
Skip: “You’re giving me the toaster? Me?”
Other elves: “Wow.”
Skip: “Oh well…. I don’t know what to say! I love it.”
Mary: “Good, an honest reaction. What exactly do you love about the toaster?”
Skip: “Wow, I mean… the fact you gave it to me, it’s like the happiest day of my life.”
Me: “Like the happiest day of his life. Like.”
Of course this reminded me of the time Matt bought Mom a birthday card that said she was ‘like’ a mother to him and I had a small hysterical fit for a while but while I was busy doing that, the elves were losing their tiny minds over this toaster. The unadulterated joy they all have for this toaster I wish I felt for anything in my life. When Mary pulls out a red toaster, for comparison, a battle breaks out over toasters that I’m not entirely sure they even know what to do with. Seeing as Mary is so busy, Luke is roped into decorating the tree with Mrs. Claus, who is trying to set him up with Mary because that worked out so well last time, for whatever reason.
Mary turns up with a note the size of a novelty cheque. with glitter and tinsel exploding off it, which is the most fantastic note from the elves telling her her mother needs to see her urgently. The minute her daughter turns up Mrs. Claus makes a thinly veiled excuse to make a break for it and leave the two alone. Mary apologises for… whatever it is she did to Luke when they were younger, but Luke fakes being totally cool with this and makes a break for it because he’s late to eat beef jerky with the boys.
Back at Mary’s office the elves have cut her reports up into snowflake garlands which are pro but unreadable. Elsewhere the elves are trying to pull Santa around in a wheelchair but they’re having no luck and Mrs. Claus catches him in the slowest getaway known to man.
Santa: “Drs, what do they know? It’s leeches one century and low-carbs the next.”
Me: “…. Just how ill is Father Christmas?”
Mary is trying to find places where they can boost productivity because that’s the buzzword of the film when they come across the mail room. One elf is sitting on a big chair at the head of the room and reading out each letter individually before the elves applaud take it away to be sorted according to some unknowable system. Donna is let loose on this process because she didn’t already have enough to do with the naughty and nice list which she hasn’t even checked once at this point.
Mary is now chimney testing, apparently, but gets stuck upside down which causes the elves to panic, shouting ‘fire’ over and over again. There is no fire, and I doubt the elves travel with Mary in case there ever is a fire, but they use the fire extinguisher on her anyway and pull her out of there. Santa is marking her work and marks her down for not eating all of the cookies, only half-filling the stockings and arranging a joyless stack of presents.
Santa: “I have been doing this for centuries and haven’t had a complaint yet.”
Mary: “With that attitude the Wright brothers would still be making bicycles.”
Santa: “Don’t get me started on the Wright brothers. ‘First to fly’ my rosy red cheeks.”
Me: “I didn’t know there was such beef between Santa and the Wright brothers.”
Mary has just realised she is technically in charge of the naughty list and can change it however she sees fit, so she tells Santa to stuff his naughty list because she can do whatever the fuck she likes now, apparently. Later that evening Mrs. Claus walks into the living room and is feeling nostalgic when she sees Mary working on a laptop, checking out her progress reports because apparently that’s a familiar site.
She wants to get her story straight because in the next breath she’s claiming Mary hasn’t been back home for 10 years because moms like to make that shit up. She claims Mary should be meeting her father halfway and that everything is about compromise, including their marriage. Mary is happy to point out that Santa compromises on nothing and now Mrs. Claus is clearly considering going back to force-feeding the man pancakes again until his heart explodes.
The next time Luke turns up at the mail room to deliver his letters Mary has magicked up desks and computers for the elves to sort through letters much more efficiently by email. We’re ignoring the fact Skip is trying to use a mouse as a shaver and we’re also glossing over Bob the IT guy who is a regular human being in Santa’s Village, setting up email accounts for elves. Luke is confused by all of this because some things are sacred and should not be sent by email.
Donna: “How did you get this job?”
Bob: “Temp agency. They take that ‘willing to relocate’ box really seriously.”
Me: “What in God’s fucking name…”
Luke has bought along some ribbon candy for Mary in her office because hopefully that will help her loosen the hell up. Along with the candy are some parcels labelled specifically for Mary to open immediately. Apparently Grant has her address at the North Pole and no one thinks anything of him sending her freshly ground coffee. This is literally the least secret place ever. Mary has to rush off to prevent an elf being killed by a toy machine and Grant finds all of this very suspicious.
He demands to speak to the office mail room to see where they’ve been shipping all the Mary Class documents because it’s cool for her to leave the forwarding address lying around everywhere she goes like a friggin’ calling card.
In the barn Mary is trying to hook the reindeer up to the sleigh, one of whom promptly knocks her down and tells her to stay in her lane. Santa turns up and teaches us an important lesson… everyone and everything can be motivated by food. In this case its a carrot but hey, each to their own.
Santa: “I hope you weren’t thinking about taking her up?”
Mary: “I’m not old enough to borrow the family car?”
Santa: “It’s a lot more complicated than that.”
As it turns out, reindeer have another precondition for flying, they fly for carrots and people who believe in Christmas only because there is a difference between knowing and believing… but seeing is also believing so how can Mary not believe in Christmas right now? We find her walking around in circles with a reindeer for a while until Luke shows up again and clearly believes in Christmas because they’re cool with him. Or he smells of carrots, either or.
In about two seconds Mary is knocked down by a reindeer again, but I believe they’ve just taken offence to her hideous hat which does not blow away when she borrows Luke’s dogs and hooks them up to the sleigh to get some practice in.
Luke: “Now if we just tie the reindeer to the dogs we’ll be in business.”
Me: “I need to see that on a Christmas card. Immediately.”
He carts her off to look at a big frozen love heart carved into the ice with their initials on it because he definitely hasn’t been thinking about her at all while she was gone. He also has the same condition we see in many men where they are required to live in the same village their entire lives and just wait for eligible women to fall into their laps.
Mary: “I’m sorry about what happened between us. I know I left kind of quick.”
Luke: “Quick? I came to pick you up for a movie and your parents told me you had moved.”
Me: “That’s how I wanna go.”
It turns out, when she returned 4 years ago, Luke wasn’t there, which explains Grant, I suppose. We’re sitting around reminiscing with Luke, mom, Donna and Bob the IT guy when and IN COMES GRANT. I wanted to predict this but this film is just so bizarre and everyone excepts everything so readily that it’s difficult to call them. Mrs. Claus, however, is in love with Grant when he comes in throwing around presents bottles of wine.
Apparently Grant is there to help, despite not knowing a) what she was doing or b) she was overworked.
Mary: “Luke, this is Grant. He is…”
Donna: “Her boyfriend.”
Mrs. Claus: “Boyfriend?”
Mary: “Grant? This is Luke. This is my… this is… he’s the mailman.”
Me: “Well, makes as much sense for the mailman to be there as Bob the IT guy.”
Awkward introductions complete, Luke is outta there and he’s never coming back. Mrs. Claus would usually be on his side but she just looks happy to have some wine that’s not been mulled. Grant, also, doesn’t seem to be bothered after his drive through a mountain and Mary feels she needs to explain. She feels she can do this by showing him around, so obviously they go to see the elves in the workshop. Grant is still none the wiser about who these tiny people skipping around producing toys on a major scale are, so I can only hope that when he meets her dad it might finally dawn on him.
Grant: “Why don’t I just get out of your hair? I’ll work on the Spotlight stuff in my room.”
Me: “a) you said you were there to HELP and b) what makes you think you have a room? and c) where are you going!? how do you know where this room is!?”
In our very first montage Santa is pissed about the IKEA-esque flat pack party the elves are having whilst putting up machines for toy making and even Gary is producing glittery progress reports these days. For some reason Luke is still hanging around, despite the fact mailmen don’t usually come in and have dinner with your family when they deliver the mail, but poor Skip is left alone to wrap presents when all of his team are stolen to help with production.
Donna is trying to check the naughty list but Bob insists on throwing shit at her, which seems to bring her much joy and she won’t be laughing so much when he throws a monitor at her, and the elves are also introduced to cameras.
As it turns out the elves still stop for cookie breaks every 17 minutes because they have the right work ethic and work is done between breaks, not the other way around. Mary bans all breaks, which is gonna make productivity go right down, and she also wants an update on Donna and Bob. She doesn’t have a black eye so I’m presuming he hasn’t thrown anything heavier than paper yet. Donna also asks about Luke, despite Grant being there, because the North Pole has made left her a changed woman.
Donna: “What happens in the North Pole stays in the North Pole.”
Me: “Yes, but let’s cover this again…. Grant is here.”
When she gets back Santa is in Mary’s office, messing with shit and playing with staplers, as far as I can tell. When Bob comes to give an update about the letters, and how these are all electronic now, Santa looks at him like he has no idea who the fuck that man walking around his toy shop is. Mary asks Donna to lead her father away, who has upgraded to getting around with a walking frame now, so Santa takes the time to ask Donna what she would like for Christmas this year because she’s the only one listening to him anymore.
Elsewhere Grant is now into art and has asked the elves to draw up his next business idea. He has really made a thing of destination shopping and suddenly Grant is up to date about Santa’s Village and wants to turn it into a resort. WHEN DID HE FIND OUT!?
Mary: “Grant, you can’t bring people here.”
Me: “Why not, everyone else does.”
Grant: “Did you think you could keep it all a secret forever?”
Mary: “This place has been a secret forever and will stay that way.”
Me: “Explain Bob the IT guy.”
Mary asks for the plans to be destroyed as if their very existence will make it reality, which knowing this film it’s possible, and Grant is gonna double cross her like Burke tried with Ripley. Finally Grant is meeting Santa like this is totally all fine and everyone’s sitting down for dinner. Santa is drinking quite heavily and I find this odd. The only person missing is Bob the IT guy.
Grant is asking a lot of questions about the surrounding property and land, ignoring the flaming death stares Mary is giving him. He is also interested in a deer head hung up over the fire place.
Grant: “I can’t help noticing your interesting trophy.”
Santa: “I’m afraid me and Blitzen had a bit of a spat in 1981. He left me no choice.”
Despite the fact everyone else around the table is laughing Mary still has to explain to Grant that her Dad is only joking – he’s not that smart, for business purposes. Grant thinks this is the perfect time to task for his Christmas wish and proposes to Mary by kneeling next to her and smiling at everyone else in the room before she has even answered. Then he has to get up and run after her when she makes a break for it and this whole time Santa just wanted someone to pass him the god damn butter.
Grant: “What’s wrong?”
Mary: “Grant, Grant, Grant.”
Grant: “Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for.”
Mary: “What are you thinking?”
Grant: “Gee, I don’t know maybe I love you and we should be together for rest of our lives?”
Mary: “Yeah, but why now?”
Me: “Yeah, why can’t you make it later when the rest of or lives is much shorter?”
Mary asks for time to think it all through, even though apparently time wont change how Grant feels about her. … It might when she ditches him for Luke, though. Donna is now doing a relay with Grant and when he leaves the kitchen she enters. Mary is jut standing in there eating cake when they both realise Grant didn’t even bring a ring so can’t have been planning it like he said he was. I don’t know what that whole conversation was about, I was distracted by the cake.
Santa: “Evening-before pie?”
Me: “Erm, yes please.”
Santa steps out to give Luke some encouragement because he’s been hanging around for a million years and should just date his daughter already because fuck Grant, that shady little prick. Donna claims she has brought Bob some leftovers but notices he is not wearing anything Christmassy and so these mythical leftovers must literally disappear from her hands, because that woman does not hand that man one single scrap of food during this scene. Instead she has brought him mistletoe because… apparently he can wear her instead and she’s pretty Christmassy. Thinking back to the woman who showed up in a green sleeping back, who’d have thought Donna could become this new woman!? She must really love computers.
Back in her room Mary is going through old albums and oh… how I wish I could find this film somewhere to include screenshots of the terribly photoshopped, old photos of her and Luke which made me laugh so hard I gave myself a headache.
There is an uptick when Gary brings in the next progress report that productivity is up by a mil!
Mary: “Is that right?”
Gary: “You betcha!”
Mary: “You mean to tell me we’re making a million more toys than we were before?”
Gary: “A million times more? I wish, if anything we’re falling way behind.”
Mary: “You still don’t know what productivity means, do you?”
Gary: “It’s when you have… so….no.”
Mary: “What about all the reports?”
Gary: “You told me you wanted to see reports saying productivity was up and that’s what I gave you.”
Me: “I’m trying this at work.”
None of Mary’s changes are working and now Santa is all like HA. When she is told one of her machines isn’t working this is the last straw. Opening up the machine she finds all the elves are in there making the toys. According to Gary the gears and cogs got in the way and its news to Gary that the machine should have been making the toys at all. When Mary asks Gary what the hell he’s been doing this entire time he just walks off. I’m trying that at work, too.
Mary is out playing a solo game of ice hockey out on the ice because she’s as pissed as all hell when Luke turns up aaaaaagain.
Luke: “Have you been crying?”
Me: “She’s crying NOW. Use your present tense, man!”
Mary thinks she’s ruined Christmas from fucking up and business-ing the Village place to death and it’s all very definitely her fault. I mean she’s correct, I don’t know why Luke is trying to make her feel any better. I don’t know whether it’s because he was wearing mittens but when he goes to wipe a tear from her cheek he doesn’t wipe it away. He wipes it towards her nose. They have a touching conversation about their past when Mary finally feels ready to kiss Luke. Prediction #1 fired!!
SUDDENLY! Grant is there! Making a lot of noise starting up his snowmobile and somehow managing to look pissed off despite having huge wrap-around sunglasses on. When he roars off into the distance I’m really not sure how he got there in the first place without them hearing. He must have literally just dropped out the fucking sky.
Grant: “Cheating on me, Mary? Me? And with that iceberg hillbilly!?
Me, snorting water across the room
Grant tries to leave the room with his rendering of the North Pole retreat and, you know what, it’s so easy to get there just let him have it, man! She shouldn’t be leaving her address around the place, anyway. My eye started twitching at this point and got distracting so all I know is Grant pretty much just walked out, Mary was crying and Santa looked disappointed that his home was about to be made into a resort.
We find Donna asleep in the wapping room with Bob the IT guys because apparently that shit is comfy to sleep on. Like the good assistant she is she rushes to Mary’s side, who is suffering from depression now its Christmas Eve and she just gave away her parent’s address to everyone she knew. She calls another meeting that can be summed up with the words ‘I fucked up, guys’.
As it’s Christmas Eve and they’re behind on all of the toy making, she thinks now is the perfect time for breaks and lets them listen to Slade instead while they drink what is probably hot coco punch and eat cookies. In all the confusion Mary makes a break for it, followed by Santa, who finds her sitting out in the sleigh.
Mary: “I really blew it. How could I have been so wrong about somebody? What if I ruined everything?”
Santa: “You just have to believe, Mary.”
Me: “What, believe she ruined everything? Easy.”
Santa drags her off to show her a bunch of toys he made with his own hands since she took over, like he used to do in the old days when there were less children or something, but apparently now they have enough toys to get going thanks to Santa. For some reason, in the toy shop, Mrs. Claus is trying to pull away the toy machine with rope and elves when Luke turns up because news travels fast through the mountain pass and he heard what happened with Grant. Then they are off in the sleigh because Mary believes that she fucked up enough to get the reindeer off the ground.
Grant is rushing to the chopper which he got from…. Where? He will use this to get to the airport, to catch a plane back home to the board room where the people are already waiting. Now I’m not sure, but I think he might have called them prematurely away from their families for this. The helicopter guy is more concerned by the sleigh chasing him down and apparently we’re back in the city and the helicopter has taken him the entire way there? I’ve lost all sense of space and time, I guess Santa’s Village does that to you.
After a high octane helicopter/sleigh chase where the helicopter out runs Santa’s reindeer, Grant is suddenly at the office with this world class idea for Santa’s Village Resort. Apparently he wants to spent 90 mil in northern Canada and they actually look impresssed by this picture. Somehow the board doesn’t see Mary fly past the giant window in front of them in her sleigh and head for the roof.
She runs in just in time, covering up her Santa suit with a coat, and the board seem to think this is her proposal. She kiboshs Grant’s idea by mentioning the words ‘avalanche’, ’30 below’ and ‘Inuit town’. Then she spins the story that Grant has lost his tiny mind and needs to take some rest because hes babbling about Santa’s Village and we all know that’s insane. Grant tries to disprove this with the single picture of a man, walking two reindeer, that he took with his phone and which Mary passes off as the petting zoo. Suddenly the boss is demoting Grant because mental health isn’t a problem.
Mary: “Don’t be too hard on Grant.”
Hamilton: “Don’t worry. It is the season of forgiveness after all.” *pushes elevator button for ground floor*
Mary: “Oh, actually I’m going up.” *points up and reveals white fur-trimmed sleeve under coat*
Hamilton: “Oh, I see.”
Me: “See what? A woman wearing a white furry jumper under her coat?”
Mary: “Thanks for understanding. Is there anything I can do for you?”
Hamilton then pulls an old school toy train out of nowhere and I can’t tell what’s supposed to be wrong with it but I replayed this part multiple times and all I can hear him say is:
“I was hoping to handle a beer with my grandson.”
I mean…. I’ve lost interest at this point but I do know prediction #1 and only came true so I am at 1/1 right now!
Mary runs back up to the roof where she left Luke and the reindeer and off she goes delivering presents around the world like the efficient business woman she is. She has, however, brought internet to Santa’s Village and he is looking at planning a holiday for himself when he hears Mary coming – because she has to deliver presents to her own family – and drops out the chimmney.
Everyone is very happy to see each other again and it looks as though she’s never going back to the city again, whilst Grant is committed to a mental health facility.
Again, I can’t find a link to this one but apparently there were 2!!!