Tag Archives: Family


On the Jungle Book remake:

We’re not watching that again, I know all the lines. I’m the stand-in in case anything goes wrong.

On the film Titanic:

I’ve seen that bloody film so often I know the time on the Captain’s watch.

On a TV series on Netflix:

Emma: We watched this before but I don’t remember what happens in it…

Nan: I do.

 On me leaving the house:

Me: Right, I’m going now. I’ll pop down again soon.

Nan: Is that a promise or a threat?

Never Alone

Me, checking Friday night plans – “Is it just me tomorrow until you get back from work? Please tell me it is.”

Mom – “No, Matt and Charlotte will be in but they’re going out.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “So they’ll be here but not here.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “You know what I mean!”

Me – “I do. I just think there are better ways to go about it.”

Always Take the Weather With You

Nan – “Well the other day when I watched the weather it said Tuesday would be sunny. But now it’s just said it’s going to be cloudy with some rain. I’m going to wait for ‘Countryfile’ and see what they say.”

Me – “Do you particularly trust the ‘Countryfile’ weather forecast?”

Nan – “Oh yes. I’m much more likely to believe what they say about Tuesday.”

Me – “What’s happening Tuesday?”

Nan – “Nothing.”

Me – “…… Then what are you so bothered about the weather for?!”

Auntie Jan – *Shrugging*

Who’s Who

Please note: when Mom says ‘Gary Oldman’ she pronounces this as ‘Gary Old Man’

Me and Kieran entered the living room halfway through a film she was watching

Kieran – “Oh, it’s got Kevin Costner in it.”

Mom – “It’s also got whatshername in it… Him! Tommy Lee Jones!”

Me – “Whatshername… Tommy Lee Jones….”

Mom – “And it’s got that man who played the Oldman vampire.”

Kieran – “Gary Oldman?”

Mom – “Yeah!”

Me – “Mom… do you think Gary Oldman is an actual vampire? And the film ‘Dracula’ was just a bizarre documentary of his life?”

Mom – And it’s got Ryan…”

Me and Kieran – “Gosling?”

Mom – “No, the one that was married to Scarlett Johnson.”

Me – “Oh dear Christ…”

Kieran – “Oh look, there’s Gary Oldman the vampire!”

Me – “Bit brave, meeting everyone on the beach…”

Invite Your Elders

Note: My brother’s birthday is Thursday. He wants a Sunday dinner for his tea.

His Nan is very old and gets confused easily.

Matt – “I’ve invited Nan for Sunday dinner.”

Mom – “Sunday dinner, Matt?”

Me – “…. Did you tell your Nan Sunday dinner?”

Matt – “Yeah, that’s what it is. … On a Thursday… No I’m sure she understood I said it was for my birthday. … But she did think my birthday was on Wednesday… Oh God, I need to go and phone her back.”


Mother, I’m Drunk

This is a post to chronicle last Saturday evening when I got drunk with my Mom and she watched the last two episodes of The Musketeers on Netflix, whilst Kieran looked on in equal parts bemusement and sober horror. I had to decode these drunken conversations from the notes I use to record everything. It was tough going:

Man on TV, looking out into the distance – “Open the gate! The Spanish are here!”

Mom – “Really!? How does he know they’re Spanish from that distance!? They could have been anybody!”

Later in the evening, after the first bottle of wine:

Me – “Can I be a musketeer?”

Mom – “Of course.”

Me – Where is my sword?”

Mom, realising it would be a bad idea for me to have a sword – “… Being sharpened.”

Me – “Where is my gun?”

Mom, realising a gun was no better – “We need a license.”

Me – “Where is my armour?”

Mom, thinking a musketeer is a terrible occupation for me – “At the workshop.”

Me – “Do I have anything to be a musketeer right now!?”

Mom – “You have the hair?”

Into the second bottle:

Me – “Ah shit, I just dropped red wine all down myself…. Luckily it’s too late in the day for me to care.

During an emotional scene where the Captain happily faces his impending death with all guns blazing:

Mom – “This is ridiculous…”

Me – “What is? That he’s going to die? Are you crying!?”

Mom – “Because I’m so angry! It makes no sense! LEAVE HIM ALONE AND LET HIM LIVE!”

Me – “You know how TV works mother! He has to die!”

Mom – “NO HE DOESN’T!”


The Captain is lying on the floor surrounded by three of the Musketeers bleeding slowly to death:

Mom, sniffing gently to herself – “Well I think it’s bullshit.”

Me – “I will make a TV series for you Mom. Where all the people respond to every situation like a normal human being and they all use common sense. Would that make you feel better?”

Mom – “….. Yes, please.”

And coming towards the final scenes of the series where everyone looks wistfully into the middle ground:

Me – “Why does everyone look like Jesus?”

Once the series had finished and there was no more wine:

Me – “Do you think I could get a floor to ceiling wine rack built? Would that be enough wine?”

Mom – No. You need a cellar. Forget looking for a house with a garage or a drive. You don’t need a car anyway, you’ll be too drunk all the time. You just need a cellar. And I’ll live down there.”

Me – “Fucking cellar goblin.” 

You know you’ve spent your 25 years wisely when you find yourself decoding the drunken notes where you called your Mom a cellar goblin…