Christmas Advent #22 – Christmas Next Door

It’s 6:54 on a Saturday morning…. Let’s just get on with it and see how awake I am by the end of this.

 

Cue city skyline, festive streets and a skating rink. At least I can always rely on Christmas film opening scenes to have my back. Wait, WHAT!? There is a woman, out on her front lawn just jamming a fuck off bow onto a life-like deer decoration. I really think that should count as both animal cruelty and a crime against fashion.

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The reindeer is watching where she’s going to try and shove that bow very closely

Oh great, Jessie Metcalfe has just pulled up in a sports car to tell this woman the entire street is insane and he would rather not turn his entire home into a fire hazard, thank you and goodbye. The residents of this street seem REALLY against this man who won’t decorate his house. Even this woman’s friend is trying to tell April if she puts one more decoration up in this house she will have turned into a crazy cat lady. That is until she spots two wooden cut outs of Santa beside the chair and loses her tiny mind.

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That’s not joy. That’s a cry for help from someone being held hostage by two wooden Santa cut-outs

Friend: “Oh my god! You still have these!?”

April: “Er, yeah, forever! Do you remember why Mom and Dad gave me these?”

Friend/Sister?: “Yes, I do. It was so you could get your picture taken with Santa Claus, even though you were too old to sit on this lap at the mall, and you cried all the way home.”

April: “No, I’m sorry. You can never be too old to sit on Santa’s lap.”

Me: “…. It’s too early for this shit.”

April: “Here, take a picture of me to send Mom.”

Friend/Sister?: “She will love it.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m sure she’ll really appreciate it.”


There is something which sounds a lot like a riot outside but apparently it’s just Jessie Metcalfe and his buddies and we don’t seem concerned that he might be starting WWIII out there. April has a really hard time understanding that not everyone is quite as crazy as her and I really don’t think adding wine to this mix is going to help any… Meanwhile, Jessie is with his buddies watching football and… what, do they have the fucking windows open or something? How is April hearing him from two doors down!?

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think he might be a happy batchelor…

Maybe it was simply seeing all those bros but when I stretched I managed to high five myself. Although… on closer inspection of these ‘bros’ I feel they’re probably married with kids and so ensues a conversation where two of them try to convince Jessie Metcalfe that he’s missing out. I don’t know about you but their opinions did absolutely nothing for me.


Jessie Metcalfe: “Look, it’s not that I don’t like kids, I’m crazy about my sister’s.”

Friend 1: “Then why’d d’you buy this big house?”

Me: “What does living in a big house have to do with not having children…? Do we all have to live in tiny bungalows?”


I have no idea what Jessie Metcalfe’s character’s name is but it sounds a lot like his friend calls him Uncle Claire. I mean, I’m all for this, and it turns out Uncle Claire won’t be going skiing this Christmas because Bridgette, who he has only been seeing for a few months and is not his girlfriend, is not a fan of the outdoors, either. There’s a lot of things she ain’t but I wonder what she is.

Prediction #1 – Bridgette is neurotic as all hell

Uncle Claire writes books, one of them even being a cookbook, and makes a mean guacamole, we are lead to believe. In complete opposition of this fun, giant house where we get to eat pizza and watch grown ass men run head-first into each other on TV, we go back to Santa’s workshop where we get to drink wine and be driven insane by April and her need for her sister to be engaged already. Her sister is in some sort of orchestra and she really thinks April should audition. Can’t wait to see what instrument this woman can play… Probably that weird stick with bells on.

The woman can’t audition without suffering from hiccups and still can’t get over her first audition where something so terrible happened she has taken it into adulthood with her to put her off ever playing music in front of an audience again. Let that be a lesson learnt.

Oh christ, she plays and teaches the violin. I do not mind when the conversation quickly diverts to her sister and how her boyfriend Steve has only recently bought a restaurant and is now working around the clock. People love owning restaurants in Christmas films, it’s one of the things we can really take away with us from this years advent challenge.

The next day Jessie gets a calls from his mom where she lectures him about letting his niece and nephew down and…. this incredibly successful and eligible batchelor is called Eric. That is a huge disappointment after Uncle Claire… Uncle Claire is also a huge disappointment himself because he has gone to his agent to ask for another extension on his book. I guess there is only so much you can write about enjoying single life.


Agent: “Just between us… what’s taking you so long? I mean it’s not like you’re writing ‘War and Peace’.”

Me: “See? He gets it.”


Eric is getting tired of writing the same thing over and over again so goes home and turns up his stereo to help him concentrate. I don’t know how good the acoustics are in this street or how thin the walls are or even how good April’s hearing is but Eric’s music really puts her off her violin lesson she is teaching. HOW DOES SHE KEEP HEARING THIS MAN!? Unfortunately, while seeing out her student, she runs into a guy called Conrad and I can’t tell whether we all universally hate Conrad or she was just startled that the man was standing on her lawn, waiting for her. Conrad is also not a fan of the lack of decorations outside Eric’s house but the author has more important things to do like be out of coffee and need to go to the store.

I am hoping that Conrad lives between April and Eric, otherwise he is just hanging around on people’s lawns and waiting for them to leave their houses. There is a guy like that on Mom’s street dubbed as ‘Irish Mick’ who walks up and down the street all day long, hoping he might catch you on the way out so he can tell you how cold the weather is lately. Conrad, however, is offering up the services of the neighbourhood to decorate Eric’s house free of charge and with no input from him required.

Prediction #2 – When Eric finally requires the neighbours help they will be more than delighted to ferret around in their garages and slap all of their back-up Christmas decorations on the man’s lawn

Having this crazy guy camp out outside his house is the least of his problems because Nick, his agent, is calling and Eric is getting no more extensions to keep pumping out the drivel he has been capable of over the last decade. Just dedicate a paragraph to how big your TV is and be done with it. It is at this point I find a dog hair in my water, which is strange because we don’t own one.

Moving swiftly on… April rocks up at Steve’s restaurant with her violin. Unfortunately she is late for… something with Steve and her sister because she just had to play at a wedding and had to redo the wedding march three times because the groom kept trying to make a break for it. This also means she lost her chance for a surprise dinner date with Steve’s friend the ER doctor which would have been quite awkward because she is actually there to play violin and accompany her sister on the piano. Maybe she could have taken mouthfuls of dinner between verses, or something. Either way, Eric has just waltzed in with presumably Bridgette of the great indoors.

I don’t know about you but I would not appreciate April walking around the tables and playing her violin when I was trying to eat. This also means Eric recognises her and puts her off her music when Bridgette realises that is the music teacher with the annoying students her not-boyfriend has been telling her about the past few months. April interrupts their conversation about not-boyfriend and girlfriend plans over the festive season, which is probably for the best because I believe Eric was going to try and let her down not so gently, in a public place.

Oh, how about that, Eric’s sister won’t be making it back home just yet and has called up their mother to inform her a massive snow storm has thoughtfully cancelled everyone’s flights for the foreseeable future. It may just be me but their parent looks overjoyed that her daughter possibly won’t be back for a week and now she gets the grandchildren all to herself. I am starting to wonder if Eric’s sister and her husband may be making this snow storm up so they don’t have to go home for Christmas this year.

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‘Oh, honey! How thoughtful to get me such a lovely, early Christmas present!’

April also gets an early Christmas present from her sister, who is about as thoughtful as the snow storm, and has booked April in for an audition with her orchestra. That audition she clearly wanted no part of. Eric’s mom suddenly becomes everyone’s mom when she phones her son, pretending to have the flu, and tells him he’s going to need to take his niece and nephew in for the festive season.

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Shit… why did I lie so publicly about liking my sister’s kids?

Eric: “How long does the flu usually last?”

Eric’s Mom: “Oh, at my age… who knows?”

Me: “Might last forever! I might just simply die!”


I understand the man’s frustration, the difference being my brother would rather trust a babysitter they had never even met before than drop his kids off with me for a few days. They certainly wouldn’t come back the same way they had left and they would have added quite a few choice words to their vocabularies. It is complete news to us that Eric thinks he suffers from some sort of Christmas jinx and that is why he usually leaves town for the season. I can only feel the fact he has to give up his over-compensating sports car and take his sister’s car instead, to even fit these children in, feeds directly into his delusion that he is cursed.


Nephew: “Nice driving, Uncle Eric.”

Eric: “What? I’m not used to driving this boat.”

Me: “I think I might know where you’re going wrong…”


These kids are immediately on the ball and ask why the hell Uncle Eric hates Christmas so much and where is their Christmas tree and cookies and stockings and strings of popcorn, damn it! What sort of Christmas hell is this, Uncle Eric!? I can’t believe that in this man’s giant house he only has one bedroom and is having to sleep on the sofa… One call from his sister kicking his ass into gear later, we are at the Christmas tree lot, trying out best not to pick a tree which looks like it’s been infested by bugs.

In a scenario much like Martin’s, when he picks his over-sized tree, Eric ends up bringing back a fir monster, just in time for April to see and watch him total Conrad’s lawn decorations in his attempt to get the thing off the roof of his car. We meet Chelsea and Liam, finally learn each other’s names and find out Eric has no Christmas tree ornaments.

Prediction #3 – April has more than enough ornaments to share

Bingo! April kidnaps the kids and takes them back to her house, filling their head with all sorts of festive decorating ideas that Eric wants no part of.

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April made all of her Christmas hostages learn a simple choreographed dance to perform inside of their glass cells

I can confirm the tree that they come back to decorate is not the same one they picked up and their festive cheer is really adding to Eric’s festive drought issues. The man won’t even let April climb a tiny ladder to put more decorations on because that is apparently how he broke his leg 6 years ago. I am going to say it was more than likely a faulty ladder or his inability to climb vertically than anything to do with Christmas being out to kill him. It’s out to kill a lot of people but a single batchelor really doesn’t fit the bill. Maybe once he’s married to April and has kids of his own he can really start looking of his shoulder with any real sense of dread.

Probably fearing electrocution, Eric passes the switching on of the Christmas lights to Chelsea. She doesn’t have a book to write.

Prediction #4 – Eric lost the love of his life over Christmas and that’s why he thinks he’s cursed and April is going to break that curse

I adore the Santa which has made it’s way onto Eric’s lawn the next day but immediately confused as to why April is outside putting up more decorations. She is a one woman fire-hazard all on her own.

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Oh, he’ll never notice that.

April and her sister’s mother will be joining them for Christmas day, just in time to meet Eric no doubt, who her sister is just full of questions about. Now… when April finally tells her sister Eric’s full name the penny drops and her sister tells her how Steve owns all of his books. This man’s face is on the front of every single one of his books so how did she not know who he was when she was staring at him in the restaurant while her sister played violin over his table!?


Sister: “His books are part of the reason why Steve still has not proposed.”

Me: “I’m hearing part of the reason. Could the other part possibly be your batshit insane sister?”

April: “What kind of books does he write?”

Sister: “The kind which give men great reasons to stay single.”

Me: “Well then they’re clearly not that good because Steve has been dating you for years already.”


Eric’s mom is having the best Christmas of her life, pretending to have the flu and no grandchildren running around the place. Eric, on the other hand? Still can’t write anything and is having to keep his relatives occupied by playing video games with them. I don’t know why they couldn’t have done this on their own but… When the kids bring up the fact they need to buy their parent’s Christmas presents I am immediately thrown off by the fact they actually need to go and buy supplies. That’s not… shopping for presents. That’s making them. Eric just wants to buy people gift cards and be done with it but is unable to withstand the pressure these kids are applying.

Prediction #5 – Bridgette will go down terribly with these children and so Eric will dump her for the violin teacher two doors down that they truly love

As predicted, Eric runs into April whilst Christmas shopping and she is way too excited to hear that Chelsea and Liam are with him. Or rather… waiting in line with Bridgette to meet Santa. Oh…. Christ no.

Prediction #6 – April is going to go and meet Santa too

April takes her chance and whisks Eric away in order to help him buy a present for his mom. Meanwhile, Bridgette is wondering how fucking long this is going to take because, as a not-girlfriend, she is not required to look after these children. We also hear that the one year Eric bothered to buy people presents they were in his car when it got stolen at the mall. So far we have breaking a leg and losing a car as to the reasons why Eric doesn’t celebrate Christmas. With another hour to go I can’t wait to hear what else the man has.

Settling on handmade jewellery for his mother, directed by April, Eric does something which freaks me out a little. In order to check how it looks he asks if April would try it on. I don’t…. It just feels strange. Like you’re looking at this woman and trying to imagine her as your mom… it’s all…. very odd. Which leads us straight into the revelation that April is single and isn’t that a surprise.

Luckily Bridgette is there to ruin the moment and text for help from the queue to meet Santa about 10 feet away from where Eric is admiring April’s neck and trying to super impose his mother’s face on hers. After a fun-filled day with these kids it is no wonder they’ve all passed out on the sofa when Eric’s mom rings him up. I feel he probably shouldn’t have muted the weather man, who was just commenting on the strange week of weather they will be getting, to listen to his mom pretend to cough some more.

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God, he’d better be buying this. I’ve got the book club around at 2.

Prediction #7 – Thoughtful snow storm is on the way to… Eric’s neighbourhood

Eric bravely leaves his relatives to make their own Christmas cards on his very expensive glass table in order to pretend to work on his book some more.

Prediction #8 – His next book will be the beginning of a new series about how men should commit to relationships and how to survive with women

Prediction #9 – Eric’s new book will inspire Steve to propose to his girlfriend because the man can’t live without directions from a book

April’s sister is always wearing really nice kimono jackets and I’ll say! Here we are at day 22 and April’s Christmas audition is also set for the 22nd December. Kismet! April tries to enjoy her Christmas baking scene but can’t stop staring at that reminder on the fridge that she’ll be getting hiccups in a few days time. Not listening to a word his relatives have just said, Eric happily sends them over to April’s house for more glue and a million hours later realises they’re no longer in the house. I am really surprised they can’t hear him calling them from his own living room, we hear everything fucking else around here.

We finally learn April’s sister is called Elaine and is helping his niece and nephew make Christmas cookies.

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Elaine is laughing because if she does not she will murder this man and force him to make Steve marry her

April is going to have a busy 22nd! That’s the day of the neighbourhood Christmas carolling, too! That’s if anyone makes it that long, it looks as though the cookies are being decorated with PVC glue. Eric never even makes it out the door because he gets distracted by April’s extensive record collection which used to belong to her dad and we hear how he used to be a Jazz pianist and Eric suggests there is more to him than being a batchelor writer.

Lawn Santa thought that would be the perfect time to creep back on to Eric’s lawn until Eric brandishes him over his head like Leatherface brandishing his chainsaw. Packing the kids off into their room, Eric tries to unwind with his bros  but keeps finding glitter all over the place.


Eric: “Erm… can you not leave your empty beer cans lying around? There are kids in the house, ya know?”

Me: “I can’t even begin to understand that opinion of an empty beer can.”


Eric’s bros are worried that the ‘last man standing’ might be going down in a ball of flames and soon they’ll have nowhere to go to play poker until 2 in the morning. That’s fair but at least he’ll be busy whilst April is on a date with the ER doctor at Steve’s restaurant. As soon as the ER doctor gets up Elaine is sitting in his seat, bugging April about the audition and handing over Eric’s books in order for Eric to sign.

Prediction #10 – April is going to check out some of these books and wonder who the fuck this guy even is

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April loves a good picture book

Of course Eric is just letting his bros out the door when April is being dropped off by the ER doctor. He is feeling some way about this but I am more concerned that she is not carrying a single book on her when she marches up to her house. You had one job, April!

The next day a snowman has joined Santa on Eric’s lawn and he finally decides to confront Conrad about it who is adamant it is the work of Christmas elves and not him. I get the feeling that Eric should stop throwing them on the curb outside his house and the reason they keep coming back is some innocent pedestrian thinks they have been blown off the lawn and keeps returning them. Try throwing them in the nearest skip. If they come back then you know they’re possessed and you need to contact your local priest.

Thankfully April’s violin music calms him down just enough to head inside and fold some washing up, which he is still doing when she brings his books over to be signed for Steve. Despite the fact that he was just folding his washing up right in front of them, April points out the stockings the kids have made from Eric’s socks and hung up, much to his alarm. Apparently asking April about her late night is more important than saving his socks and making sure the woman definitely doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Eric signs these books with the generic messages authors have to keep on hand before complimenting April on her music skills and offering to help her with her hiccup issue when auditioning. Eric immediately asks his phone, like the woman has never thought about googling how to get over it herself and, if she hasn’t, then she’s clearly been living under a tinsel-covered rock. One of the methods to reduce stage fright is to laugh as much as you can and I can only imagine who much more insane that would make the woman look at the side of the stage.


Eric: “OK, well method 4 seems a little more reasonable. Imagine every seat in the audience is filled with a clone of your favourite person, preferably someone who encourages you.”

April: “Well that seems more reasonable.”

Me: “It sounds about as reasonable as imagining everyone naked, which is also one of the worst pieces of advice ever. You’re supposed to be concentrating on your music, not the new robot uprising which would definitely happen and then the clones start ripping each other apart and the music just makes them angrier until they all turn on you and start detaching your limbs like you weren’t a fleshy human. So… don’t do that.”


Prediction #11 – Eric is gonna rock up at the audition and all will be well, no hiccups included

The next evening Eric and Bridgette are heading off to a Christmas party with his agent and she is less than happy to find these kids hopping in the back of the car and coming along for the ride. Not even the promise that they will be locked up in another room with some Christmas films is enough to put a smile on this woman’s face. Not even alcohol is enough to put a smile on this woman’s face!

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For God’s sake someone put a drink in that woman’s hand before she kills a man!

Nick is concerned his client is going to miss the deadline of his book and breach his contract, which would be fun Christmas viewing, but simply walks off and hopes for the best. God knows how the rest of that evening went because the next day April is offering to take Chelsea and Liam ice skating when Eric will be too busy being a failing writer. Or, rather, he lied and is trying to make the existence of his niece and nephew up to his not-girlfriend by cooking her dinner, which goes well right up until the point it turns out she hates children and Eric is nothing like his books promised her. If Bridgette is happy to date that kind of guy then I think it’s fair to throw her out to the wolves already.

I presume the children probably revealed Eric’s real plans that evening because April is well aware his date has gone terribly when he turns up early to the ice rink and forces him into some skates. It also turns out April did read those books she was holding on to and tells the man he really needs to find some new material because it seems a lot like he’s saying the same thing over and over again but in different words. Smashed it, April! This is of course the perfect time for Eric to walk April two houses down the street and hear how much she loves Christmas.


April: “Gosh, how can you deny that Christmas is just the best time of year? The air, so cool and crisp, you can smell fireplaces…”

Me: “You can smell fireplaces? You should really probably go and check that out…”


We finally find out that Eric proposed to someone in the past, right there on Christmas Eve, but she had fallen in love with someone else by then. I think feeling you have a Christmas curse because of this one incidence and never celebrating Christmas again is a bit far but… he’s made a somewhat successful career out of it so who am I to say? Cue the kids interrupting their first kiss before it can materialise – because we have to save these things until the end of the film – and everyone goes their separate ways. Until the morning, that is…

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I got laaaawn ornameeeeeents, they’re multiplyyyyyin’

The kids are overjoyed about these multiplying lawn ornaments and Eric finally gives up and lets the elves have their way. There has also been a bizarre lump of snow on his lawn this whole time that I just cannot work out. It’s not like he’s been clearing the drive every day and dumping it there because it hasn’t changed for the entire film. Maybe it will all crumble away at some point and we’ll find another fucking lawn ornament.

Meanwhile, April is feeling confident enough to call ahead and confirm she will be at the audition later that day. She really did leave that a bit late… Eric is also sending over new pages to his agent and is HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT!?

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Just. Look. At this. Look at this!

Jesus Christ it’s like finding weird symbols out in the woods made of sticks and you realise you’re on cult property now. Otherwise known as April’s front lawn. She’s mithering around and rearranging the ornaments to distract herself from the upcoming audition which means she is perfectly placed for Eric to come up, tell her to play the festive piece he has heard her practicing and return her plate that I didn’t know he had even stolen. At least April is glad to hear he’s exploring a new avenue for his writing and she inspired the entire thing.

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Catching pneumonia is all part of leading a happy batchelor lifestyle

The woman cannot help mentioning the neighbourhood Christmas carolling again before she marches away to audition in what can only be described as a kill room. Maybe they picked it because the hundreds of screaming victims before her have proven how wonderful the acoustics are in there.

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Oh an audition you say? Here? In this sterile empty room? Sure, that seems legit.

While April is playing with absolutely zero hiccups we are treated to a very short Christmas montage where Chelsea and Liam are putting even more fucking decorations on that damn tree! Unfortunately, Eric has to drag them away from this pointless activity to go and see his agent Nick who is worried the publisher may not like the new pages as much as he did. Eric is still nice enough to give his agent a present that the man is just shocked is not in the shape of a gift card.

I still cannot get over Eric’s beige jumper and maybe that’s why Conrad initially looks so shocked to see the man joining them for carolling. The men shake on the fact they have come to the mutual agreement that Conrad is completely fucking insane before everyone walks off into the night to stand threateningly in front of people’s houses.

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Just keep smiling, honey. Don’t show them your fear.

We all take a break for hot chocolate and cookies which also gives Eric the perfect opportunity to ask how the audition went and invite April to watch a movie with Chelsea and Liam that evening. This means it is the perfect time to encounter Bridgette on Eric’s doorstep and April quickly runs away because that woman has a mean scowl on her. Bridgette merely rocked up to tell the man he shouldn’t be a part of the dating world, for the good of the community, and April turns around just in time to see the man kissing the woman on the cheek.

Completely oblivious the next morning, while dropping these kids off with April, Eric tries to rearrange the movie night and April stares at him in horror as she thinks he is trying to cheat on his girlfriend with her because claiming she is working slamming the door in his face. No doubt Eric wants to attribute this to the Christmas curse but there is no way he can blame the curse when his agent meets with him to tell him the publishers adore his new book and want to sign him up for two sequels.

I really do believe the man just said he would be calling his book ‘Uncle Christmas’…. What are these people seeing in him!? April is helping Chelsea and Liam wrap presents which is when she comes across a necklace Eric has brought. Apparently it is not for their Nan, who Eric has already bought a gift for which clearly goes against April’s original advice to the man, and so presumes it must be for Bridgette. The kids don’t bother to correct the woman on this point and nor do they bother to look out the window where Eric has pulled back up with a car jammed full of lawn ornaments.

I adore his mother on the phone who has claimed the Dr wants her to rest indoors for one more day… as she is waltzing around the streets doing her Christmas shopping. Luckily Eric is far too happy about the news from his publisher to question all of the background noise in his mother’s house and even shares the good news with April when picking the kids back up. It is only now that the man thinks there may be anything wrong with the woman because she keeps turning him down but, as always in these films, only gives a vague reason as to why. If she had just shouted at the man that morning this would have been all cleared up already…

But theeeeeeeeen we wouldn’t be waking up on Christmas Eve to a far too happy Uncle that is forcing his relatives back out on the ice rink to meet up with his bro’s kids. It also turns out bro #1 was the guy who kept putting ornaments on Eric’s lawn so it’s a good job he didn’t go too crazy at Conrad. Back at home, while cutting out pieces of foam into nondescript shapes, the kids reveal to Eric that April thinks he is buying necklaces for Bridgette. Unfortunately his message to her goes unheard because she is back to playing at the restaurant with Elaine.

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Save the all caps and urgency for a real emergency, buddy!

We get a surprise visit from Eric’s sister, brother-in-law and mother who come by with a mass of presents and his mother finally reveals she was never ill at all. If me and my future kids ever have the misfortune of me being a mother she is all of my mother goals. At least the entire family is impressed by his massive Christmas tree and his cooking but not impressed enough with him to actually read any of his books.

Inspired by his entire family asking who April even is and why he’s such an idiot, Eric rushes out to the restaurant and demands to talk to the woman between the tables, chasing her around while she tries to drown him out with her violin. April is so shocked by the fact he actually brought this hideous necklace for her she simply passes her violin to the nearest customer… which she might want back because she passed her audition.

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April had really been hoping this necklace was for Bridgette so she’d never have to see it again

April, being the kind of woman she is, is more than happy to go back and meet Eric’s entire family but they cannot do this until it has begun snowing on cue and the film has ended.

Ya know… this film really wasn’t all that offensive. Especially when I consider how early I started watching the damn thing. If you don’t want to be too offended either, head right on over here.

Now…

 

Prediction board – 5/11

  • Prediction #1 – Bridgette is neurotic as all hell – Oooooh yeah. CORRECT!
  • Prediction #2 – When Eric finally requires the neighbours help they will be more than delighted to ferret around in their garages and slap all of their back-up Christmas decorations on the man’s lawn – Turns out this was never needed because Eric found the Christmas cheer all on his own. INCORRECT!
  • Prediction #3 – April has more than enough ornaments to share – Hell. Yes. CORRECT!
  • Prediction #4 – Eric lost the love of his life over Christmas and that’s why he thinks he’s cursed and April is going to break that curse – CORRECT!
  • Prediction #5 – Bridgette will go down terribly with these children and so Eric will dump her for the violin teacher two doors down that they truly love – Those kids felt nothing for Bridgette! I don’t know whether that’s actually worse! They literally cared so little for her that they had no feelings whatsoever! INCORRECT!
  • Prediction #6 – April is going to go and meet Santa too – I really thought this was coming! But no. INCORRECT!
  • Prediction #7 – Thoughtful snow storm is on the way to… Eric’s neighbourhood – Not a single snow storm, either! How incredibly unthoughtful of it. INCORRECT!
  • Prediction #8 – His next book will be the beginning of a new series about how men should commit to relationships and how to survive with women – CORRECT!
  • Prediction #9 – Eric’s new book will inspire Steve to propose to his girlfriend because the man can’t live without directions from a book – We can only presume here and as this is a big life event for Steve I will not say he did marry into this batshit insane family. INCORRECT!
  • Prediction #10 – April is going to check out some of these books and wonder who the fuck this guy even is – CORRECT!
  • Prediction #11 – Eric is gonna rock up at the audition and all will be well, no hiccups included – Disappointingly he did not show up naked and laughing manically to try and alleviate April’s stress. INCORRECT!

 

  • Horse and Sleigh: Well, if Eric had had one in his house April probably would have heard the fucking thing.
  • Piano: There was a piano! It only accompanied April but it was there! CHECK!
  • Carolling: Carolling in cult-size proportions! CHECK!
  • Christmas Montage: It was short lived but it was there. CHECK!
  • Fire Hazards: Despite it being in snow, every single person’s god damn lawn was a fire hazard. It was beautiful. CHECK!
  • Relative(s) died a tragic death during a past Christmas: I…. I don’t know!
  • Snowing on cue: I think it snowed a bit… it wasn’t exactly on cue though.

 

Today wasn’t quite as painful as yesterday but my god it’s taken about 3 hours just to review this damn film. Good job needing to be at work on time isn’t a thing right now! Although I feel early morning’s are not good for my predicting skills.

In fact, this year, apparently nothing is good for my predicting skills. Looking at you, tomorrow.

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