Category Archives: Work

Mystic Mouse

Myself and CW1 pretending to hold a seance with the computer mouse:

Me: “Is there anyone there?”

CW1: “Move down for yes and up for no.”

Mouse moves down for yes.

Me: “I’m not moving it, I swear.”

CW1: “Are you having a good day?”

Mouse moves up for no.

CW1: “Do you want to leave here?”

We both slam the mouse down so hard it flies off the edge of the desk and takes my water bottle with it.

Me: “Well shit.”

CW1: “Think we might be done here.”

 

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CW1 – “Open the blinds, CW4! Let’s get some light in here!”

CW4 – “True, the sun isn’t out so there shouldn’t be any glare.”

 

CW4 opens the blinds

 

CW2 – “My god….”

CW3 – “The lack of colour out there is impressive…”

Me – “It’s like we’re experiencing a flash back and the scenes are all muted down.”

CW2 – “Close the blinds, this is depressing!”

CW1 – “Wait!”

CW2 – “I can’t wait until we’re told to take it down because it’s a fire hazard or something.”

Me – “The giant ball of fire would never turn on us. Look how happy he is to see us.”

Think.

Our company made us travel down to London to take part in some awful training session where they collected 80 people in one tiny apartment (called an anomalous space because… London) and ultimately tried to nicely shoehorn everyone into one of four personality categories.

After reading some random statements and scoring them 1-4 based on how accurate they were about ourselves we put our scores into a turn of the century excel doc and out popped our answers. You were either a Thinker, Mover, Connector or Planner.

Either way this has absolutely no bearing on our lives other than to perhaps help the company understand in how many ways people could really despise their jobs and ultimately never feel any type of joy.


CW3: “I can’t be bothered with these calls…. that’s because I’m a ‘Mover’.”

CW1: “Fucking Mover… CW4, what were you? I bet you were a Connector.”

CW4: “Actually I was a Planner, but I think the spreadsheet was broke.”

CW2: “Yeah, my team was getting really angry about their results.”

CW1: “Wow…. Hayley, what were you? I bet you were a Thinker.”

Me: “Yep, and I can’t help thinking you are all absolute pricks.”

CW4: “HA! I like it, that was quick.”

Me: “I got nothing but thinking time.”

Small Talk

Skype Conversation 1 – man turns up at the office on the bank of desks behind ours, starts talking very loudly about the weather

Me – “His voice is grating on me.”

CW1: “Yeah, he’s way too happy.”

Me – “Oh, maybe that’s the part I’m responding to. It’s his happiness that is grating on me.”

 

Skype Conversation 2 – our entire team

CW4 – “That’s a COO that’s behind us, by the way. No swearing and don’t call him a wanker.”

Me – “Too late.”

Offensive Friendships

 

CW5: “I don’t know whether this message I want to send will offend anyone in the Whatsapp group.”

CW1: “What message?”

CW5: “Our friend has said there is a growing market for second-hand baby stuff and I’ve put ‘there is a growing market for second-hand babies, just ask Madonna’.”

Everyone: “Oooooohhhhhh…..”

CW3: “That’s good!”

CW1: “Of course you would think it’s good but I don’t know. Read your audience. If you know they won’t be offended then…”

CW5: “I think the others would get it but I don’t know about T.”

CW2: “If you’re having to question….”

CW3: “Is anyone in the group adopted?

CW5: “No.”

CW3: “Has anyone in the group adopted a child?”

CW5: “No.”

Me: “Is anyone in the group Madonna?”

New Year, Old Me

Me: “CW4, I just had a really productive hour, can I go home now?”

CW4: “I’d like more than just one hour….”

Me: “Well you’re not getting anything else out of me today, so I might as well not be here.”

CW2: “You could help me on Phillips?”

Me: “Oh no, you’re mistaken. I have work to do. I’m just not doing it.”

CW4: “I didn’t hear that. I hear nothing. I see nothing.”

Me: “So I’m good to go then, yeah?”

End of Days

Tomorrow, CW4 is leaving us to move to London. He is…. he is……

He is about as stealthy as the T-Rex from Jurassic park and when he visits the floor above ours in the building…. we can track his progress across the floor. He is also the reason restraining orders exist, I am sure. He is obsessively bulking and gyming all of the time.

When not stomping around looking for food or being reported by women he is most likely to be found complaining about how he doesn’t have a can of Stella in his hand.

So here I have documented his best (this being the operative word) moments, including the entirety of our last pub meal together. He actually leaves tomorrow, but myself and two other people are not around, so unfortunately I will be missing the moment he gets gifted with his leaving presents, including ‘The Wankers Guide to Masturbation‘. Which you can buy here. Forever alone, I guess.


CW1: “Wait, let’s see if we can hear him!”

All listening to CW4 walk around on the floor above us.

Everyone: “Yup!”

Me: “Imagine trying to go ghost hunting with him, you’d be screwed. ‘I think I hear something…. Wait, someone check CW4 wasn’t moving around in a neighbouring town.’

CW1: “In a hostage situation, if we were hiding, I’d be like ‘You can get the hell away from me.’

CW5: “Imagine his SAS training…”

Me: “Yeah, if he parachuted in on the roof of a skyscraper they’d hear him down on the third floor.”

CW3: “Can we ask him to walk…”

CW5: “Normally? I can try, I mean… Right now it just sounds like he’s trying to break his own feet.”

CW1: “But he’s not hurting anyone right now except his own feet.”

Me: “And the structural integrity of the building. If this place falls down they’ll need to do an investigation into CW4.”

CW4 returns…

CW1: “We can hear you upstairs. We tested this time.”

CW4: “I think you’re joking though.”

Me: “We are not.”

CW1: “For lent we think you should give up storming.”

CW4: “I can’t even give up smoking, let alone storming.”

Me: “Storming is life!”

CW6: “That needs to be a t-shirt.”


Myself and CW3 pretending to shoot ourselves in the head due to regular CW4 bullshit.

Me: “Actually that kinda hurt, my nails are too long.”


CW4, during office table tennis tournament: “I’ve got my last match tomorrow. Someone’s gonna lose.”

Me: “Yes; statistically someone will lose.”

CW4: “Yeah, but pray it isn’t me.”

Me: “You want me to pray for you?”

CW3: “Hayley doesn’t pray.”

CW6: “If Hayley prayed for you, you’d burst into flames.”

Me: “I probably wouldn’t even mean to. It would just happen.”


CW4: “I didn’t like the man who presented. He kept doing weird hand movements.”

Everyone, watching CW4 flap his arms around: “…….”

CW4: “What was it CW3 said? He said limp….”

Me: “Limp-wristed?”

CW4: “No, no, Limp Biscuit!”

Me: “Oh my God, Fred Durst was presenting at a Google Training day!?”

CW4: “I don’t think that was his name.”

Everyone: “…………….”


CW4: “Is psychology the one where you have to answer riddles?”

Me: “I’m not trying to Indiana Jones my way into a tomb…”

CW4: “No, like if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around.”

CW5: “That’s philosophy.”

CW4: “What’s that?”

CW5: “You literally just…… Never mind.”


More than once CW5 has put pepper into CW4’s tea.

CW5: “For his last day I was going to prank him by putting cyanide in his tea.”

Me: “That’s a big step up from pepper.”

CW5: “It’s the natural progression.”

Me: “I mean… whether he leaves on his own two feet or he’s carried out, the important thing is he is leaving.”


The Final Meal

It should be noted that CW4 did invite the receptionist who he is not so secretly in love with.

She said she’d come along.

She did not.


CW4: “I feel so stressed.”

CW5: “Well most people have a break between jobs. You leave Friday, move to London during the weekend and start work on Monday.”

CW4: “Yeah, that was a dick move.”

Me – “That should probably be written on his gravestone. ‘Here lies CW4. That was a dick move.'”

CW4: “The only day of rest I’ll have is the Saturday. Every Saturday, on my way to Asda, I go to the park with a can of beer, smoke a cig and watch the swans.”

Me: “I can’t, I’m actually dying right now. I can’t breathe.”

CW6: “Do you ever reflect on your previous weeks there?”

CW4: “Yes!”

Me – “The bench feels a bit different today…”

CW4: “I don’t sit down.”

Me: “Oh shit, he doesn’t even have time to sit. He’s got places to stomp.”


CW1: “So who is getting him smashed at the social?”

CW4: “I’m not going.”

Everyone: “What!? Why aren’t you going?”

CW4: “Well why are none of you going? CW6 never goes. CW3 is on holiday. CW7’s wife is pregnant. CW1 has a wedding. Hayley…”

Me: “I hate people.”

CW4: “Hayley hates people! Why do I have to go!?”

CW1: “Because it’s your last one!”

Me: “It’s not on rest day is it? He can’t go on his rest day.”

CW4: “Nah, that’s not it.”

CW1: “Then what is it?”

CW4, looking wistfully at the ceiling: “………………..”

CW6: “I’ve never seen him so quiet.”

Me: “I imagine that’s the face he pulls when he’s watching the swans.”

CW6: “I hope he has sad music playing in the background…”


CW1: “Highlights? Lowlights? Speech?”

CW6: “Yeah! Speech!”

Me: “Shouldn’t he wait for tomorrow on his actual last day?”

CW6: “But a lot of us aren’t here.”

Me: “I know.”


CW4: “I don’t think I had any problems with any of you. I mean, I’ve never worked with you two. (Me and CW1.) I wish I had.”

CW3: “Hayley doesn’t.”


CW4, talking about the receptionist: “I asked her to thread my eyebrows and I wondered how that would work because I’ve only ever had them done by a dude….”

Me: “Yeah… women have opposable thumbs too.”

CW4: “Actually, I was thinking about the view I would have when she leans over…”

Everyone: “OH DEAR JESUS CW4!”

CW5, downing beer.


CW4: “I said I’d have to cut down my drinking when I move to London, but that’s not gonna happen, is it?”

CW6: “Nah mate.”

CW1: “You might have to when it’s 10 quid a pint.”

CW4: “I’m gonna have to find a new park…”

CW6: “Do you name the swans when you’re there?”

CW4: “I named one Daniel.”


Getting back to work and seeing the receptionist has put up a sign at the desk.

CW3: “Ooh, receptionist is currently unavailable.”

Me: “That’s just for CW4’s benefit.”


CW5: “How do you think he’ll react to the book we got him?”

CW3, putting on a voice: “Huh, huh, huh, you guys know me so well.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s it. I don’t even need to be here tomorrow.”


CW6 found a video that sums up both a) CW4’s natural stomp and b) the video we made of all the guys trying to reinact that natural stomp, which I can’t include here because here doesn’t technically exist, as far as they are concerned.

For other CW4 related posts, if you’re really that interested, check out the below because… HE AIN’T EVER COMIN’ BACK!
(I realised this is a bit confusing as someone left and he changed from CW5 to CW4…. I’m sure you can figure out which speaker he is from the dumbassery leaving his mouth, though.)

The ‘H’ is Silent
Fire Drill 101
Technique
Paranoia
Skincare
Laughter is the Best Medicine
Morals
Bro’s Gold