Tag Archives: Work

Two Words. Rhyme with… Serial Killer.

CW2 – “Why isn’t Hayley playing charades with us?”

Me – “I’m good thanks, I’d rather listen to this podcast about police finding about 9 dismembered torsos in some marshland.”

 

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Mystic Mouse

Myself and CW1 pretending to hold a seance with the computer mouse:

Me: “Is there anyone there?”

CW1: “Move down for yes and up for no.”

Mouse moves down for yes.

Me: “I’m not moving it, I swear.”

CW1: “Are you having a good day?”

Mouse moves up for no.

CW1: “Do you want to leave here?”

We both slam the mouse down so hard it flies off the edge of the desk and takes my water bottle with it.

Me: “Well shit.”

CW1: “Think we might be done here.”

 

Views

CW1 – “Open the blinds, CW4! Let’s get some light in here!”

CW4 – “True, the sun isn’t out so there shouldn’t be any glare.”

 

CW4 opens the blinds

 

CW2 – “My god….”

CW3 – “The lack of colour out there is impressive…”

Me – “It’s like we’re experiencing a flash back and the scenes are all muted down.”

CW2 – “Close the blinds, this is depressing!”

CW1 – “Wait!”

CW2 – “I can’t wait until we’re told to take it down because it’s a fire hazard or something.”

Me – “The giant ball of fire would never turn on us. Look how happy he is to see us.”

Think.

Our company made us travel down to London to take part in some awful training session where they collected 80 people in one tiny apartment (called an anomalous space because… London) and ultimately tried to nicely shoehorn everyone into one of four personality categories.

After reading some random statements and scoring them 1-4 based on how accurate they were about ourselves we put our scores into a turn of the century excel doc and out popped our answers. You were either a Thinker, Mover, Connector or Planner.

Either way this has absolutely no bearing on our lives other than to perhaps help the company understand in how many ways people could really despise their jobs and ultimately never feel any type of joy.


CW3: “I can’t be bothered with these calls…. that’s because I’m a ‘Mover’.”

CW1: “Fucking Mover… CW4, what were you? I bet you were a Connector.”

CW4: “Actually I was a Planner, but I think the spreadsheet was broke.”

CW2: “Yeah, my team was getting really angry about their results.”

CW1: “Wow…. Hayley, what were you? I bet you were a Thinker.”

Me: “Yep, and I can’t help thinking you are all absolute pricks.”

CW4: “HA! I like it, that was quick.”

Me: “I got nothing but thinking time.”

Offensive Friendships

 

CW5: “I don’t know whether this message I want to send will offend anyone in the Whatsapp group.”

CW1: “What message?”

CW5: “Our friend has said there is a growing market for second-hand baby stuff and I’ve put ‘there is a growing market for second-hand babies, just ask Madonna’.”

Everyone: “Oooooohhhhhh…..”

CW3: “That’s good!”

CW1: “Of course you would think it’s good but I don’t know. Read your audience. If you know they won’t be offended then…”

CW5: “I think the others would get it but I don’t know about T.”

CW2: “If you’re having to question….”

CW3: “Is anyone in the group adopted?

CW5: “No.”

CW3: “Has anyone in the group adopted a child?”

CW5: “No.”

Me: “Is anyone in the group Madonna?”

New Year, Old Me

Me: “CW4, I just had a really productive hour, can I go home now?”

CW4: “I’d like more than just one hour….”

Me: “Well you’re not getting anything else out of me today, so I might as well not be here.”

CW2: “You could help me on Phillips?”

Me: “Oh no, you’re mistaken. I have work to do. I’m just not doing it.”

CW4: “I didn’t hear that. I hear nothing. I see nothing.”

Me: “So I’m good to go then, yeah?”