Monthly Archives: January 2017


CW2 – “According to Urban Dictionary the name CW7 means ‘prettiest girl in the world.'”

CW7 – “Oh thank you.”

CW4 – “Even though you’re a grown man.”

CW7 – “A compliment’s a compliment. I take them where I can get them.”



CW5 – “At least Trump is attempting to do everything he said he would. That’s more than you can say for most politicians.”

CW6 – “Yeah…. I don’t think that’s necessarily a good thing, mate.”

CW5 – “Why? He’s just trying to protect his own people.”

Me – “That’s the equivalent of me trying to protect my family by killing everyone else in the street.”


Mom – “My order still hasn’t come! What do I do now?!”

Me – “Well like the woman said yesterday you need to get back to House of Fraser so they can deal with it.”

Mom – “Ooookkkaaaaayyyyy……”

Me – “…. Am I going to have to do this with you? Again?”

Mom – “No…. You’re just going to have to do it for me. I need to shower.”

Me – “No, you need to learn how to do this shit for yourself. What’s going to happen when I move out?”

Mom – “I’ll drive to your house and ask you to do it for me. And use your shower.”

Me – “What if I live over an hour away?”

Mom – “I’ll come the night before. And bring my own towel.”



Me, getting to the bins with my Maltesers Box – “I don’t get it. There’s a paper bin, food waste and drinking cans bin and a plastics bin…. Where the hell do I put this?”

CW3 – “Paper bin.”

Me – “You think?”

CW3 – “Yeah. Hard paper.”


Misheard: Your Face

CW2, coughing – “I’m sorry CW6, I have an old man rasp at the minute.”

CW6 – “I’m sorry?”

CW2 – “I have an old man rasp when I laugh; it makes me cough.”

CW6 – “Oh, I thought you said you had an old man mask.”

Me – “I love it. Like she has an old man mask at home and for some reason she thought she should tell you and apologise about it at work.”



Kieran – “Shall we go for a drink down the local pub?”

Me – “Yeah, sure! Or we can drink in the house and not get stabbed.”

This is not an overreaction on my part. The pub around the corner from my house (The Talisman) is cordoned off by police tape more often than it isn’t. May I also point out this pub is literally over the road from a children’s centre/primary school.

Early last year a drug raid was done on the place and, subsequently, a few weeks followed with dirty banners hung up outside the building with ‘Save our Tally’ scribbled on them.

Eventually the pub reopened, because apparently evening out the rocky patch of land they called the car park and having some parking spaces painted on the floor meant they were now upstanding citizens and definitely weren’t ever going to sell drugs on the premises again.

Or stab anyone. Or shoot anyone.

It’s amazing what a clearly outlined parking space can do for your mental well-being.


Eau De Holiness

Took place whilst I was playing an extraction mission (saving hostages) on Xcom 2:






CW5 – “You might not like Trump but he has no political experience and he just won the greatest political race in America.”

CW6 – “He also has the thinnest skin in America.”

CW5 – “I wouldn’t know, I’ve never seen it.”

CW6 – “….. Were you trying to be funny?”

CW5 – “No, I don’t know what you’re so obsessed with his skin for.”

Everyone – “………….”


If you’re not napping, you should be.” – Me to manager


Misread: Diet

RM – “I’ve been watching this programme called ‘How to Diet Well’. I think you should watch it if you want ideas on eating more healthily.”

Me – “I don’t think so. I just looked it up and read ‘virtual gastric brand’ as ‘virtual garlic bread’.