Tag Archives: Kieran

SMART

Kieran – “The new smart meter is here! Do you want me to show you how you use it because it’s different from the old one?”

Me – “No, not really. I’m never gonna use it.”

Kieran – “So, now we can set it to tell us when…”

Me – “Oh… OK… You’re going for it anyway.”

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Midnight Murderer

Me, entering the bedroom whilst Kieran is trying to sleep and loudly dropping shit everywhere, including on Kieran, before he even wakes up

Me – “It’s amazing how close a killer could get to you before… Well, you’d just be dead. Is everywhere locked up?”

Kieran – “Yes and I’ve already brushed my teeth.”

Me – “OK…. I’m sure your murderer will really appreciate that.”

Taken from http://www.toonbarn.com/yu-gi-oh/

Yu-Gi-Oh! – S1 E1

My new favourite pass time is to work my way through Yu-Gi-Oh! on Netflix and every time someone uses the word ‘deck’ I replace it with ‘dick’.

I watched these when I was a kid but man, am I enjoying watching these far more now.

We will be doing an awful version of a series review, mostly just sharing our favourite re-imagined lines here, as well as anything else which makes us laugh.

Me and Kieran also have a running bet with the world in general that the card ‘Dark Magician’ will make an appearance in every one of Yugi’s battles. I will also be listing some other common cards as and when we see them.

So, it’s time to d-d-d-d-d-duel! (With penises)

Yu-Gi-Oh S1E1
Grandpa please, I don’t wanna touch your deck

Synopsis

The Heart of the Cards
High schooler Yugi Moto and his friends become embroiled in a deadly match of Duel Monsters when champion Seto Kaiba kidnaps Yugi’s grandfather.

Best Bits

“I trust in my Grandfather’s dick.”

“The dick senses my doubt…”

Grandad: “Blue Eyes White Dragon! So rare, so powerful, I never let it leave my hands!”
Me: “Literally was not in his hand two seconds ago.”

Monster’s Sighted:

  • Dark Magician (1/1)
  • Blue Eyes White Dragon x3 (1/1)
  • Exodia (1/1)
  • Gaia the Fierce Knight (1/1)

Recap

We forgot that this show gives the back story as to Yugi’s magical powers predominantly in the opening credits, so just know that everyone is cool seeing the little guy walking around with this hulking Millennium Puzzle necklace on all the time and sometimes randomly shouting “Yu-Gi-Oh!” when he starts duelling.
They’re also cool with the extra highlights in his hair and extra deep voice he gets too when he happily hands over all bodily control to a Pharoah from ancient Egypt trapped in the Millennium puzzle.
So Yugi is telling everyone at school about the game shop his Grandad conveniently owns and that sometimes he has rare cards.

YuGi-S1E1-2
Grandad’s shop has a strict ‘don’t touch my rare fucking cards’ policy

Kaiba, who is not only some duelling champ but also owns his own giant corporation, shows up at the shop asking to see some rare cards. Yugi’s Grandad shows him his Blue Eyes White Dragon – which is not a euphemism for anything – but won’t sell it because his very heart and soul is intertwined with this card. Not to mention only 4 exist in the entire world.

Obviously Kaiba is like ‘Bruh… what’s wrong with my money?’ and forces poor Grandad to go and duel with him at his offices. He is, however, nice enough to call Yugi at the shop to explain his Grandad is having a heart attack in the office foyer so he should probably come and pick him up right away.

Rushing over there with his friends we find out Kaiba bossed Grandad and took his Blue Eyes White Dragon from him. In a bizarre and clearly unthought out twist of events Kaiba rips up the card so it can never be used against him.

Now…. this would make more sense if a) in the upcoming duel against Yugi… he didn’t summon 3 Blue Eyes White Dragons and so just ruined the chances of owning all 4 in existence and b) if at this point he actually believed in this ‘heart of the cards’ bullshit people keep harping on about.

Anyway, Yugi’s friends Tristan and Téa (UK version names) take Grandad off to the hospital whilst Joey stays to cheer Yugi on while he transforms into Yami Yugi (who is a 5000 year old Egyptian Pharaoh who clearly liked to gamble) and duels Kaiba in a state of the art arena where the monsters appear to come to life. I’m not… entirely sure what they’re duelling for at this point because Grandad’s favourite card is loooooong gone, but either way Yami Yugi manages to summon Exodia and wipe out Kaiba’s entire hand.

YuGi-S1E1-3
Fancy seeing you here with all of your limbs

Let it be known that Grandad strictly said, earlier, no one had ever managed to summon Exodia due to the fact you need to put 5 cards together – for his limbs and head – in order to do so, but the heart of the cards and all that…

Yami Yugi, being all powerful and magical and shit, hits Kaiba with some powerful life lessons that basically give the poor man a breakdown, all whilst Kaiba’s younger brother is watching and wondering why is brother’s brain is leaking out of his ears.

Everything is cool, Grandad doesn’t die and we meet the mysterious man who has a brass button instead of an eye and a specific interest in Yugi.

YuGi-S1E1-4
This doesn’t impair my vision at all

See you next episode, folks!

Plans

Kieran – “So what are we doing for the rest of the evening, Moose?”

Me – “Figuring out a way for me to get out of going to work.”

Kieran – “Erm… I could say that you’re sick?”

Me – “I was thinking more long term.”

Kieran – “Break a leg?”

Me – “I’m really looking to never go back.”

Kieran – “Death?”

Me – “…. Yeah, alright then.”

Christmas Advent #10 – Christmas Wedding Planner

OK guys, I’m not gonna lie… this is less of a crappy Christmas film review and more like a review of Mom’s reactions to the crappy Christmas film. I vaguely know what happened in those two hours but much of it is pieced together from the tried and tested story line that Christmas films follow without fail.

So, we are in the middle of some mad amount of snow here in England and for some reason the house is really cold – bad insulation, I’m sure. We had just got settled down after a long ten minutes of trying to keep every body part covered, with Mom one end of the sofa and me the other, under a mass of blankets.


Me: “Right! Christmas film!”

Mom: “….. You’re facing the wrong way, now….”

Me: “FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”


We had also been decorating the house all day for Christmas and Mom was adamant that I should have a wreath hanging up in every single god damn room.


Mom: “Look! They’ve got two or three holly leaves outside the house… did I say leaves?”

Me: “Yes, Mom, they’ve just got three leaves hanging up outside….”


We’re introduced to a woman in the ‘business of love’ as she has decided to become a wedding planner. She is currently tackling her first job and planning her cousin’s wedding who is much more like a sister to her. Kelsie, the wedding planner, is super stressed so obviously she runs into someone at the coffee shop and has to babble profusely to show how stressed she is. As this is a thoroughly modern film we get to see the texts she is sending floating around on the screen, yet we still have to hear her inner monologue as she types out her own messages. It’s already all quite annoying.

Kelsie then walks into handsome man #1 and we are unfortunately privy to more of her private thoughts like a weird festive version of Bridget Jones. She lets this mystery man go first because she bumped into him, except this man is also getting 12 coffees, 12 muffins and a blueberry scone. She is gonna be soooo late to this party she organised herself.

Whilst in the coffee shop her cousin phones to request ice sculptors. Almost before the phone has gone down Kelsie’s aunt pops up on the other side of the screen. She has heard ice sculptors are being requested and she would really rather not. Witch.

 


Kelsie: “Can I get a blueberry scone?”

Barista: “I’m sorry, I just sold the last one to that handsome gentleman.”

Me: “Thanks for spelling that out for us.”


She chases this man down, rambles something about a therapist, and offers to pay him double for the scone which he turns down. He also turns down triple. He also turns down 7 dollars and a gift card to an unknowable shop. He must really love blueberry scones.


Barista: “I have a plain scone and blueberries from my lunch?”

Mom: “Awwwww that was nice of him. I don’t know what he expected her to do but… it was a nice thought.”


Despite the fact she is late to this party, Kelsie is taking time outside the house to text some anonymous person. When she finally shifts her ass into gear her cousin, Emily, has requested to be announced to the room and Kelsie sets off to do this until she stops to have a charming conversation with her Aunt Olivia. Her cousin has been standing in this room for a long time before she manages to get announced to the party and it was not worth waiting that 5 minutes for.

It turns out the guy from the coffee shop bought the scone for Aunt Olivia, which Kelsie was also trying to do, and now he knows everyone’s names too. Aunt Olivia introduces Kelsie to the editor or manager of some wedding magazine, who I believe she is probably trying to impress. She gives the wedding photographer’s name to the woman in secret and I can’t tell whether she was impressed or didn’t know who the fuck Kelsie was on about at all.

Handsome man #1 is Connor and he is also Emily’s ex-boyfriend. Due to this previous occupation he could apparently be planning to ruin the wedding or Kelsie’s new business or even steal all the family’s money…. however it is that he plans to do all of this. Kelsie keeps telling herself she is a fierce warrior for some reason but it never really works out. Obviously she walks over to Connor and jumps to some major conclusions about his tea leafing ways before Aunt Olivia makes a speech about Emily and her fiance, Todd.


Connor: “Seems like a nice guy.”

Me: “Wooooooow look at her fiance. Doesn’t he just look like the most vacant person ever.”


Connor can’t promise the wedding wont be ruined after all and Kelsie flails her arms at a bunch of people in order to follow him out the house and into his car. Connor reveals he a private investigator, hired to look into Todd, which to Kelsie means someone hired him to ruin the wedding. She just can’t get that delusion out of her head. Whenever Kelsie stops to listen to her inner monologue everyone around her must wonder what the fuck she is doing and whether she’s alright because she stops for quite lengthy periods of time to make weird faces and look around suspiciously. Connor, bizarrely, offers to be a team and she can help out to make sure the wedding doesn’t get ruined. He does tell her where he’ll be that evening though, in case she changes her mind, but to me it just sounds like slave labour.


Mom, realising this film was just a recording and not live: “Can we get this film over quicker by not watching adverts?”


Kelsie keeps texting this anonymous person, so knowing Christmas films it’s probably a dead relative. At the dress fitting Kelsie runs through the three bridesmaids: Jealousy, Bitterness & Clumsiness. Emily wants to get out of wearing the traditional family dress and basically asks how they can sugar coat this turd of news and let her mother know. Apparently Kelsie is doing this right now over text before she has to take a call from the mystery man himself. The backdrop of the restaurant looks rather festive.


Me: “We should have had some giant bows.”

Both looking around

Mom: “WHERE!?”

Me: ….. OK, maybe not in here…”

Mom: “The fireplace looks good, though.”

Me: “Well just look there and….. over by the curtains…. and…. the chair looks more festive and…. this blanket! And those thermal socks on the floor add a festive…. flair….”


All of the bridesmaids were discussing Connor which I totally missed when Clumsy throws cookies around the place. It’s alright though because Emily pops out in her dress.


Mom: “That’s awful.”

Me: “Huh? OH. Oh.”


Todd is at the door now, so Emily is carted off to get changed again before they let him in. Todd just wanted to drop by with surprises for the bridesmaids and Emily, which appears to be jewellery. Showing him out, Kelsie stands next to the door to take yet another call – this time from the caterer – when she sees Todd outside flirting with the receptionist and standing under some mistletoe. Kelsie cares not that the caterer is going through a divorce so can’t make the wedding and is more concerned by Todd giving what appears to be his number to the receptionist in her notebook. At the desk Kelsie thinks about looking in the notebook and is about to see what Todd wrote when Emily pops out again.


Mom: “She’s the most simple wedding planner I’ve ever met. Surely she’s there to tell the bride she looks hideous. Tell her to pick another dress and don’t be surprised if he cheats on you, if that’s what you turn up in.”

Me: “Maybe you should be a wedding planner?”

 


 

Some guy called….. Charl? Charles? Sharl? something is at the house and he is either the caterer, the wedding cake maker or a mad scientist. For some reason Emily wants to make gingerberad for the first time ever and wants to give this to all of her guests to presumably give them food poisoning. At this point Kieran walks in and the next thing I know, Michelle, the receptionist, is in the house. Apparently there has been an elaborate plan to get into Michelle’s bag and so Kelsie can check out the notebook.

Kelsie caves and visits Connor who is sitting in the same place in the restaurant he called her from like he’s been expecting her these past three days. He also has his files all over the table taking the ‘private’ out of ‘private detective’. There is an odd conversation where they try and order each other’s food when the the waiter pops up and appears to know Connor well. There appears to be some issue with Kelsie ordering the lobster for him so I’m presuming he’s allergic.

The big reveal here is that Todd’s family aren’t as well off as everyone thinks but as we’re suggesting bankruptcy here Connor believes they may just be after money. He also wants to use yet another party that Kelsie has planned to check out Todd’s finances.


Mom: “How do you know he’s not a fraud?”

Me: “What, Connor?”

Mom: “Yeah, he might want to get into his computer to steal the money!”


Good point, but it turns out Connor owns the resraurant he’s always sitting in with the mad chef/waiter who won’t stop talking and at any rate we could just kill the man with a lobster. Aunt Olivia is running late because she doesn’t want to hear about Tim and Linda’s boat (Todd’s parents) and there was a break from the film here whilst I laughed at Mom at the end of the sofa, caccooned in three blankets.


Mom: “You need more candles in here.”

Me: “I could set fire to those ones I MEAN LIGHT!”

Mom: “I’ve only just put that garland up there, you won’t fucking set fire to it.”


I was starting my own fire hazard instead of watching the film and looking out for all of their fire hazards. To say these people are supposedly bankrupt they still live in a big ol’ house they could sell to make money. They also have a boat they cold sell. There is a horrible moment when Kelsie is not paying attention to Linda and agrees to let her sing for her son’s first dance because she sounds like Celine Dion apparently.


Me: “…..”

Mom, hiding face

Linda: “Who do I need to kill to get a drink around here?”

Me: “But I like her, she’s relatable.”

Mom: “Wait! You missed it! There’s a pregnant woman carrying drinks around!”


Kelsie chases Connor down through the house and into the study, where he is casually trying to get on Tim’s computer by guessing the password. Apparently this is easy because people always pick something arrogant.


Mom: “Name of the boat.”

Kelsie, babbling on about finding the password

Mom: “The name. Of. The boat.”


They have just made it into the laptop when Tim walks in to his own study as is his right. Kelsie starts madly kissing Connor in an attempt to make all of this look very casual. Even more bizarre is the fact Tim actually leaves them to it.


Mom: “This film is so bad it’s made me sober.”

Kieran: “I’m going to watch the football.”

Mom: “I’d rather watch the football.”

Kieran: “I’d rather watch the fireplace thing they have between the films. I’d rather watch 2 hours of that.”


Back to the film….


Mom: “OH MY GOD WHAT IS WITH THIS WOMAN AND THIS STUPID THING ON HER HEAD ALL THE WHILE!?”


Or maybe not… In all fairness Aunt Olivia is always wearing embellished head bands but the fact she is a grown ass woman means she has no excuse. She is also against this news of Kelsie making out with Connor but is happy for her to go off and test a bunch of cakes with Emily in front of the cake guy/mad scientist. There is something wrong with him in which he believes he is not good enough and wants them all to give up on him.


Cake guy: “Please, just give up on me. I put a whole lemon in that cake…. a whole lemon. What was I thinking?”

Mom: “Is everybody who lives in this village a fucking idiot?”


Back at her apartment that night Kelsie is still texting some anonymous person with ‘charming’ accounts of her day.


Mom: “She goes to bed with all the lights on.”


I have no idea what’s going on at this point, all I know is my Mother is sober and Kieran has disappeared into the upper regions of the house. Oh, and Connor thinks Kelsie is actually quite smart.


Kelsie: “I’m only sitting because I want to.”

Mom, look of despair

Me, dying with laughter

Mom: “How does she know he’s not fleecing them to keep his business open because no one is ever in that restaurant but them two!”


Kelsie is giving away Todd’s Wednesday plans with Michelle so they can follow him and make sure he isn’t…. I don’t know, the worst person on earth.


Me, skipping the ads: “It’s ok, we only have 50 minutes left.”

Mom: “You said that half an hour ago.”

Me: “That’s because time is actually going backwards watching this film.”

Mom: “Oh god, she has binoculars.”


There is some weird, terrible tailing of the victim and music is playing so I feel a montage coming on, which it does, while Todd walks up and down the street.


Me: “Is he…. Is he just walking up and down the street?”

Mom: “Well he’s been walking for 48 hours because them two have gone home and changed their clothes since.”


Suddenly we’re not following Todd and Connor and Kelsie are sitting in a restaurant.


Me: “Is this his restaurant? Oh wait, no, it can’t be, it’s full.”

Mom: “Yes, his restaurant doesn’t have people in.”


The waiter belives these people are engaged in some forbidden love and that calls for Shiraz. When Kelsie starts thinking to herself as she texts we realised we hadn’t heard it for a while but apparently Connor can hear thoughts because he heard her text. CALLED IT. SHE’S TEXTING HER DEAD MOM. He’s probably wondering why the fuck this woman is apparently texting and paying the phone bill of a dead woman.


Kelsie: “I know it sounds crazy but… We have to keep the people we love close.”

Me: “Yeah, but not pay their phone bill for them.”

Mom: “So does she go back and answer herself?”

Me: “Does her mom even have a phone?”

Mom: “Maybe she’s put the phone in the coffin with her? But then how does she carge it up in the coffin?”

Me: “Can’t be in the coffin then. She has to have a phone or the message wouldn’t send. She’s got her Mom stuffed in a chair like Norman Bates!”


They now have food and candles, which is really just drawing attention to these forbidden lovers, and they’re pretty distracted to say they’re tailing Todd.


Connor: “It’s funny, you’re not the pain the ass I thought you were gonna be.”

Me: “You’re worse. Why is he touching her?! Why are they holding hands!?”

Mom: “They’ll be planning their own wedding in a second. Can’t be worse than the job they’re doing already.”


When Todd turns up with Michelle, Kelsie turns on that shit fierce warrior she’s always banging on about and marches over there, shouting about some engagement with her cousin. Now Connor is there and Todd is all defensive because apparently Todd is just trying to buy Emily her dress, which is meant to be a surprise because he has known Michelle for years. Her husband actually set this whole thing up as he owns the restaurant. Connor decides it’s time to take crazy home. When Todd confronts him, probably to give him business advice on how to run a restaurant, Connor is hardpressed not to punch Todd in the face and manages to walk away.


Mom: “Walk away Connor. Walk awaaaaaaay. Con…. CON AIR! He so-no never mind.”


For some reason Kelsie keeps hanging around with Aunt Olivia, despite the fact she’s a dick. Mom is also calling that Aunt Olivia is the one who hired Connor in the first place. There appears to be some sort of black mail in his history and they paid Connor to never talk to Emily again….. Oh, I don’t know. Whatever it is, obviously Kelsie immediately goes to confront Connor about it but we have no idea what she’s gone to confront him about because we’ve lost the will to live.


Mom: “Quick! Fast forward the adverts!”

Me: “We’ve got 30 minutes left!”

Mom: “YOU TOLD ME…”

Me: “I said 50 minutes last time, not 15!”

Mom: “Actually, we should probably watch the adverts, it might make a nice break from the film.”


Kelsie walks into her apartment and her phone starts ringing.


Mom: “Well it ain’t your mother ringing.”


I  straight up died. That one caught me by surprise.


Me: “Do we drink Baileys or wine?”

Mom: “I ain’t drank any Baileys! If I have, this film’s sucked it out of me!”

Me: “I said do we, not did we!”

Mom: “I was gonna say! This fucking film, I never even tasted it.”


At the church, which may or may not be the rehearsel because everyone is wearing black, Kelsie apologises to Todd but hes more complimentary than offended. As far as I can tell a) Connor was planning to get back into her good books and b) this is the wedding despite all of the sombre clothing. Kelsie runs over to the restaurant when George (the waiter guy, apparently) tells her the freezer’s broke, which would ruin… whatever catering he was suddenly doing until it turns out it was all Connor’s idea and everything is fine. Connor does want to speak to her though and try to make this all better.

Connor just wanted to show her the deeds to the restaurant. George was gonna lose the place and Connor took what he thought was a loan from Emily’s Dad but turned out he told Connor never to go back or he would tell Emily he had blackmailed the family.

Suddenly the pregnant woman from the party is back and Mom is calling that the baby is Todd’s. Just as we get past the part where people should stand up if they’ve got any issues with the wedding – which are numerous – Connor bursts in better late than never with the pregnant lady. Aunt Olivia demands he is allowed to speak and we find out the pregnant lady is Monica, a former maid to Todd’s family. They kept her employed throughout the pregnancy until they found out the father was in fact Todd and then they promptly fired her. Because an angry pregnant woman is no threat whatsoever, oh no.

Kelsie looks more pissed off that she planned a whole wedding her cousin has just ran out of. When Todd tries to run up to Connor and beat him up he just falls over and stays on the floor for a bit instead. Kelsie goes out to speak to Emily, who is dismayed she didn’t know, although this is like being expected to know your cousin is still texting her dead mother and paying the phone bill for it. We are also expected to believe that Emily would rather ask how Kelsie’s love life is going with her ex after her own wedding was just ruined.

And out pops Connor! Emily graciously leaves the pair to chat and it turns out the dead uncle hired Connor….


Mom: The uncle who died!? How did he know!?”

Connor: “He called me near the end and heard from one of his friends I was a P.I. now. He felt something didn’t feel right about Todd.”

Me: “But…. the pregnant woman…. and he was already dead…. these two things aren’t connected.”

Mom: “She must be 18 1/2 months pregnant at least.”


Out in the courtyard there is an argument about who is going to end the wedding, because everyone is just glad it’s over, before Connor thinks everyone should stay because hes gonna propose and they’re gonna go inside and get married.


Mom: “They get married quickly in these films.”

Me: “Do you think they have shorter life spans so they have to get everything in quicker?”

Mom: “Oh good, she’s wearing the family dress.”

Me: “It makes her look pregnant.”

Mom: “You did say they move quick in these movies.”

Me: “Look Mom, the next film is called ‘Will You MERRY Me’.”

Mom: “Right. Film’s over. I think I need a stiff brandy…..”


When asked to review this film mom gave the following statement.

Best. Film. Ever

 

 

http://www.hallmarkmoviesandmysteries.com/finding-father-christmas/about-finding-father-christmas

Christmas Advent #4 – Finding Father Christmas

It’s taken quite a few hours for me to get over the horrific guitar solo of a confused mailman that I witnessed yesterday, but I think it’s really made me the person I am today…. Scared, confused and hesitant to continue with this Christmas advent challenge.

However Christmas is a time of hope and today I am hoping this film can be better. Please, sweet baby Jesus, let it be better.

Two seconds in and it’s not better. A young girl is watching a woman’s woeful acting from the side of a small stage while she has some sort of nervous breakdown. Turns out she’s actually performing any one of the pieces from a Christmas Carol where Scrooge is having a nervous breakdown – and really who can blame the man.

Anyway, the young girl thinks this would be an opportune time to run off and mess with the actress’ shit in her dressing room, reciting the lines along with her, which she can hear through a conveniently placed vent.

Breakdown scene complete, we hear the woman collapse and the sounds of people rushing over to her. When the girl starts bleating ‘Mom! Mom?’ over and over again it all becomes painfully obvious. The woman doesn’t a chance because someone always dies at Christmas. In fact, I’m beginning to fear the season. Either way the girl’s mom just becomes another piece of festive fodder to add to the death toll.

In present day this girl, Miranda, is now an efficient business woman with an approach to work which is much like my own; say no to everyone, that way everyone is equal. This gets her out of any number of Christmas activities her assistant is trying to sign her up to.

At dinner with her friend we uncover more layers in the complex life of Miranda.


Miranda: “It just reminds me that…. Eventually she might have told me who my father was but she never got the chance.”

Me: “Ohhhh shiiiiit!!!!”


Miranda then gets a phone call from a Rick Torrence, who I immediately assume to be a relative of the infamous Jack Torrence, and claims he has found something of her mother’s she might want whilst he was cleaning the theatre for refurbishment.

He believes a good place to meet would be the exact stage her Mom died on because that is nice, neutral ground for them both. He hands her an old suitcase looking thing and she goes on her merry way. As she leaves there are some sheets draped over the seats in the audience that have suspicious red smears on them…. The kind of smears the body of a builder, being dragged away after Rick killed him because the theatre is his and outsiders could never understand their relationship, might leave behind. She doesn’t seem concerned anyway, shes got a box to rifle through.

Inside this case Miranda finds a jewellery box with a butt load of accessories inside. It’s a god damn Christmas miracle that they’re not all tangled up into one giant ball she will never be able to undo after all those years.She also finds a bunch of old photos, taken of herself with her mother, that all look incredibly….. new and… not aged at all… in incredible HD quality….

Glossing over this point there is an envelope hidden in the lining of the box with a pamphlet to ‘The Tempest’, a play I presume her mother had performed in. Also in the envelope is a picture of a guy dressed up as a sinister Santa, sitting on a chair with a small boy on his knee. Turning the picture over there is some writing on the back and for the benefit of viewers Miranda kindly reads it out to us. What I hear is ‘Carlton Heath Vermot’ and can’t help thinking that is an incredibly long and posh name.

Two seconds later Miranda is on the internet and proves me entirely wrong. She is actually referring a town called Carlton Heath in Vermont. *facepalm* She finds herself on the official website for the town and, at the bottom, finds an address of the photography studio in the town who supplied all of the pictures on site.

Jumping to conclusions – the hobby of all good Christmas film characters – Miranda believes she will find aaaaall of the answers to her questions at this little photography studio who may or may not have taken the snap of Santa and the miserable looking child.

Before heading off on another whirlwind adventure she fits another dinner in with her friend.


Miranda: “What does a little boy in Vermont have to do with Shakespeare in California?”

Me: “I’ve heard if you can answer that question you actually find out the secret of the universe.”


And we’re off to Vermont! Because her friend could not answer the million dollar question. The inn Miranda rocks up at has been ruined for me, thanks to film #3, and the entire thing just screams fire hazard. I don’t catch a word of the conversation between Miranda and the woman who owns the inn on account of watching the fire like a hawk, waiting for the garland hanging over it to catch alight and burnt the entire town down.

Stepping outside Miranda is most put out to find she has no signal but is quite interested in the man carrying firewood into the inn who gives her directions to the town in the absence of her GPS working. Despite the fact his hands are full she does not bat and eyelid when she introduces herself and tries to shake his hand, leaving him to struggle with his wood (heh.)

She also doesn’t bat an eyelid at the scary ass nutcracker figure on the high street, so maybe she just doesn’t register social and visual cues at all. When she gets their the photography studio is no longer in business and when asking the innkeeper about it on her return it turns out the family have all disbanded. Miranda opens up about the photo and gets slapped back in return.


Catherine: “You came all this way because of someone you don’t know?”

Me: “Alright Judgey McJudgerson. You’re the one who started this conversation.”


The innkeeper continues to put her foot in it when she plays the ‘Mom’ card and after hearing of the woman’s untimely demise (sparing the gory Dickensian details) she is suddenly more than accommodating. Apparently the picture looks mighty familiar and she is sure her husband would know more about it. Catherine ropes her son Ian in – the firewood collector – to help out Miranda and find his Dad to help solve this mystery.


Catherine: “The way Santa is dressed… We called him Father Christmas back then.

Me: “Back then when? We call him Father Christmas now. How old does this woman think she is?”


Ian gives Miranda the grand tour of town which includes the church and a bizarre tale of people being smuggled out to avoid capture, using the secret tunnel under the church that leads out into the woods. Apparently, on Christmas Eve, you can still hear them singing carols as they escaped. That’s a pretty fucking relaxed break out if you ask me.

Hoping his dad will be able to help them out, Ian takes them over to the local theatre – there are more of these then I first presumed – who was named after local actor James Whitcomb. They stop for slightly too long when she asks about this man and I’m already betting that was her Dad. Prediction #1 has been primed and ready to go.

Walking through the theatre I can’t blame Miranda for looking nervous because everything about this town is begging to catch on fire. Ian remarks his Dad should be just about ready to stop for the day and walks off through some doors and into the actual theatre…. room. My apologies for not knowing the anatomy of a theatre, I did not know this film would be so theatre-y.

Up on the stage Ian’s dad is reading from A Christmas Carol and you just know, at some point, this woman will be forced to step up and perform the role (Ian’s Dad probably dies from some festive freak accident) because she knows all of the words. Prediction #2 ready and waiting. Bonus prediction #3 for Ian’s Dad dying. Yeah… that’s the game I’m playing now to get me through this.

Miranda couldn’t bring herself to actually follow Ian into the proper stage area and so instead stands in the foyer while she listens to Ian’s Dad perform the very same part her Mom kicked the bucket to. It’s all far too much for her and she just up and leaves the building, despite the fact she has no way back to the inn and her GPS doesn’t work right now.

When Ian finds her again outside she does a good job of not really explaining anything about her past, yet still appears to be annoyed at the man when he invites her to the Christmas play. Inevitably Miranda starts doubting everything she has ever known about life and Ian has to pull out a wild card in order to make her consider staying:


Ian: “I don’t know what bought you here… but I’m glad it did.”

Me: “Why? Are there no 30 year old women in this county? Was he just going to chop wood for the rest of his life until a suitable woman checked into the inn that he could ensnare and propose to?”


You laugh but that shit happens at Christmas.

The next day, at the continental breakfast buffet, it’s hard to tell the food apart from all of the Christmas decorations and ornaments that have encroached on the table. Someone is gonna end up eating a bauble and that is not a euphemism. Suddenly a woman named Ellie shows up at the breakfast table with her two sinister children.


Small girl: “You need to drink hot chocolate with a candy cane to stir it.”

Miranda: “That sounds good.”

Small boy: “We have it every year before we go shopping for presents.”

Me: “They must be off their tits on that shopping trip.”


When Miranda goes back up to her room there is a coat waiting for her, because for some reason she didn’t expect New England to be so cold in winter. This coat has been magically provided by Ian who I can only presume chopped that down in the woods too. When she catches up with him she asks if there is an internet cafe in town she could use but instead he leads her off to his office.


Miranda: “This is nice.”

Ian: “Not what you were expecting?”

Miranda: “Not unless you’re Batman.”

Me: “…. I don’t even… know…”


Tuns out Ian was actually a lawyer but gave up on that life because he’d rather chop wood, help people write their wills and orphans find new homes. He’s festive that way.

Miranda is googling very specific search terms when Ian’s dad, Andrew, rocks up to help with her ‘quest’. Seeing the mythical Santa photo Andrew makes a weird ass noise that would have had anyone else asking ‘are you alright, love?’. On closer examination Andrew confirms that, yes, that is Father Christmas. Well…. yeah, we knew that. Are you seriously telling me, this entire time, they were merely trying to find the Dad in order to confirm the man dressed as Santa was indeed dressed as Santa and in fact Santa and Father Christmas were one and the same? Is that the tenuous story line they went with in order to give Andrew any worth!?

After this monolithic revelation Ian goes out into the town to hand out gift baskets to the locals because it’s a small town and everyone is aware that Ian’s Dad is a fucking moron! *ahem* My apologies. I was quite enraged by this for quite some time. That is until the following happened during our gift-giving montage.


Ian, opening a shop door and shouting in: “Merry Christmas, Ruth!”

*Screaming from inside the shop*

Me, dying: “I think Ruth just fell off the ladders. Women do that a lot at Christmas.”


After a busy day of gift giving, Miranda is feeling rejuvenated and is even considering staying in town and continuing her search.

Mirands fibds an empty inn with a kote pinned uo – too far away to see. Hears. Arols in the distance and almost gets mowed down by santa who bids her merry christmas as he. Hsrges past. They light up a tree which is actually lretty nice looking u like some of the trees i hqve already seen this season.

Dad dressed as sqnta so may bave secretly veen truing to off their new guest

Oh theres your mom, thats so nice of her to help. Your dad coukdnt make it?

Miranda is fu king blind

Miranfa is gonna get oissed and meets some kore quests and their husbqnds. Allie and Peter and miranda were both raised by actoes ans is this guy the bou from the picture? They reminice for all of five seconds before ian pops back up and asks if miranda wants to go carolling

I feel carolling us anoth3r of those things you might have missed out on

Thats a narrow escsor

No ku k thiugu, its like a ckbga line of csrolling. Very forward children wjo eyeball people they soeak to and hold strangers hands and tell them they shpuld live here. Im feeling some cult vibes again here. Maybe it really is like the overlook…. Once yiu check in yoi never checj out

Andrew takes a bit of a turn and o fesr there mat be another one to add to the death toll but he ibsists he is fine and off they go carolling. If anything happens yo ansrew now, this man she doesnt even know, shes going to be heartbroken. However i feel he may not be able to perform at th3 threatre and both herseld and Peter sill step ib. Prediction number 2838e639474

Back at alkies oeters family home it gets more feative

Every year it gets more festive. Oretty soon we wont have room for the furnttie

Wont even have room for th3 fire thqt start

There amongts ohitos id the same one miranda has and oreduction number one is complete. Ba k st the inn ian comes to see qgats up because he is concerned avout this guest he has known for teo seconds when she seems down.

Eqrlier ellie menti9ked my mother veing an acrress but you are the only one i told tgar

Imaging and real ian problens again

Andr3w has a leadbon the photo and knows where the ellersons are whp owned the srudio. Can get in touch and help.

Well im off to learn my lines. Only two dats to the show ans my mind has been a such siece kately

Here comes the demebtia!

Who the hell is hames 2hitconb but can meet msrgarwt his wife. Miranda still hqs a fear of th3 stage but suddenly dclares she must go home. I guess eh has syndrome where afraid if fibding out.

Miranfa finally reveqls the grim truth kf her mothers to ian whilst sitting in front of the srage because thats a sound place to be when youve just confronted her on veing nervous of th3 thrwatre. And noe comes the catch of who her fath3r could have been. Foe some reqson she shows ian the hpto but doesnt mention that she asw the ssme one in oeters house. However she does hand him ove4 a bracelent with the toens christmas angel on i cant rememeber being mentionwd vwfo43 this.

From these big jumps and conclysions we are huessing james whitcomv is her father, however seeing as james has been married to marge for 40 years that means he cheated on her. The temoest thrwatre is the whitcomb tbeatrs.

Let me help

You cant

I have tk try

Please dont feel sorry for me

Dont thibk he was feeling sorry for yoh love. I thibj he jusr wabts something else to do other than chop woof

Satans children.

Tuens out ketes father was alsp james. I missed some her3 as i had to relocate becaue of kieran shaving and the tv aerial being shocking. It was like the people were t4yibg to breaj out of th3 tv but i. Sure we didnt miss any particylar plit piints.

Ian turns up in a sleigh with prqncer oulling it who is a horse and not q redineer

Jstuat i. Case you wer2 wond3ring this is what they wrong the song avout?

Manplai ing 101 righr here folks

Sleighing around. Being there feels right be ausw he has a connectipn in his heart but it maybecause the inn has trapped him and his eterbal soul gorece

Andrew keeps gping around saying come ib and know me vetter man. Cath claims hes just oracticing. I think hes on a slow decline that ends with butchering all of his guests with an axe.

Turns out Peter is the biy in the ohoto and james is his father, in which case she is certain he is also her father and she must now leave because she has not substantiated this truth.

If i stay and they find oit th3 r3al seapn im here nothing would wver be the ssme for that family. Everything he did, was…. James wojld never be the swme to that fsmily

Yeah, probably best not to gice margaret a shock, she founds like she might be old and she doesnt have that many christmases left to enjoy

Ian is more concerned with miranda stayong and spending cheistmas with hom vecause if cheisymas films tesch us anything its that you can fall in love inside a week and have a fairytale marriage without knowing each others flaws.

After the woman lets him kiss her, twi e! She r3minsw gim she still has reservations yo fky out tomorrow and shes leaving regardless. So whatever ian.

Of course rhis is the time for tragedy to steike to delay her leacing and ian gets a call that his dad has been rushed to hispital. Off they rush (i hope in that sleigh) to find out andrew had a mild heart attack

What exsctly does mild mean?

The ecg shows no damage to his heart

I thinn sge should gave used cheese yo explsin it. Like th3 difference vetween parmesan and mozarella

The family and friends feel the hospital waiting room is the vest place to doscuss cancelling the chsitmas pkay andrew csn no longer take part in. When mirands tries tp put her two pennys worth in she gets shit down by ian because he remembers shes a heartless business woman who says noy to ecertone she comes across

If youre ever in the north-west….

Well thats a bit vagie, kiarana. You gonna help him out mor3?

Whilst getting r3aey to leave miranda sees it sbowing, something ian has been thrwtsning the entire time shes been there and shes lrobably gonna emget snowed in or ger flight cancelled.

Looks like theyre rigjt, we hageng a white christmas

There has veen snownon the groind this entire time!!! Was that not friggin white ebough for gim!?

Ian takes abothrr shoy at holding miranda hostage on this mountain, reminding her that id she leaves now nothing will change because she hasnt ruoned another familieis image of theit father yet based on wild guesses and accusations.

After crying at the woman she caves and decides she doesnt n3ed to get back to the office anyway, fuck those guys. She has internet in the offoxe, she can work remotely.

Apparebtly she is srayu9ng because, besudes ian, she just wahts a family ro belong in. Now andrew and cath are trwdting all of their guests in the same way so she is under some delusion they velieve she is a daugter of theirs and i hope they keep charging her for th3 room

Ian has agreed to play scrooge and when they rock uo at the threatre pete and his mom margaret are waiting. Margaret looks like a hard ass bitch so i think shell be fine if mirana vr3aks the news. Shes probably already aware.

Here i got disteacted by a robin outside of the window who was eyeballijg me from the fence but i do catch miranda being invited to the cast party at oetes house after the show. That invite…. That woman knows ya’ll.

A merry cheistmas to everybody! I dont know wgat dat it is! I dont know antthinf!

I did have my suspicions…

Ian and miranda take part in a festive montage wgile they oracrice lines and i just feel my version of miranda playing acrooge would have been better. Maybe she still wjll be ause ian still csnt rememver his lines backstage but rhey do gave realistic fake beads here in vermont.

Village if the damned kids are taking to 5h3 stage and we get to see none of the pkay because suddenlt everyone is bowing and leke are very impressed. Im sure itbwas great.

And i told rhat dr i might not be able to acr in the show but th2r3 is nothing in the world stopping m3 drom wat hinf it

Except for those creeping cataracts we found after your hwart attack…

Miranda carcyes ian talking to margaret over the photo which caused all this controvery and is mighyu pissed. She rjns off into what looks a library and finds some short poem written bu james whitcomb

Margaret rocks up with what looks like a string of vaubles around her eck and claims the poem doesnt sound much like james, although he did uses to write. They found it aft3r he died and f4amed it and so i oresume itbwas her motu34 who wrote it to him.

Back at rhe inn ian has another strugfle on his hands eith miranda and they appear to be going to christmas dinner. She wants to know about the phito and he is quite shocked to ve accused of telling everyone her busikess but at least miranda is getting the same vibes that msrge knows.

Mirabda is vack to h3r big city office wats, douvtibf she should be here so ian pulls out a pr3wen5, another tacric to stop her from leaving. Its a replica bracelejt with the cheiatmas angel. Never fear folks

I would love to witness the rest of their lives and see what else he keeps oulling ouy.

Off we go back to marges and oeters because apparebtly thats an extensipm of the inn and we csn never meave. Julia, one child of the drad, has made a stocking for miranda at the fire

Oh julia thabn you is brwustifl

Dont thank me

Alright thenfine, fuck off kid

Aroudn dinner people a43 wuite taken with miranda but marge is just watchinf her like a hawk. Og this womab jnows.

Were you born sewttle

Born cakifornia but mived when young

How come?

Mother gor a job

Kind of job?

Actrees

Like our grabdfatger

Cue the childr3n veing booted out

Marge begins asking wuestions avout her mothers name and when she finds out recites the poem. Its all out now!! Miranda tries to make an escaoe but marge is taking no prisoners.

If miranda wasnt keen on christmas vefore this certaibky isnt helpinh

My dather was also an acotr and his name was james

What did say

My mither necwr told me who hewas and neve rold me bame

Than how are you saying this shit!?!?!

Peter is piiiiisssed and orwsumes miranda wants money. Everyone goes charging after miranda when she t4ies to make a break for it but marge is more cobcerned by sayinf she has james eyes

I suspdxtes the first moment i sww you

How? How does that haooen?

It turbs out that marge was trying to divorxe the dad when he was cslled away to go and actbin the tempestm im not syre how people velieced they were married for 40 years at this point or how msrge know the stort she is now recounting.

Peter got sick with p eumonia and eve convinced james to go back home and look after his fsmily. When oeter recivered james abd marge realisrd they wsnted to save the marriage despite the fact he had got anothrr woman pregnant. James apparnrlt yold marge everythinf and she forgave him but didnt tell name

Yourmother must have loced him very very much to let him go and i dont know how she did that

Easy. It must have been heaven for her.

…..

It also turns out that somehow james didnt know he had anothrr child even though…  Marge did? Or suspected.

Marge is all forgivung apparrntly. Tpld you she was a bad ass.

Tje devils children announce ther3 are carollarrs downstairs and ian is out that door like a shot vecause thisbis fsr more than he abticipated leaving marge and miranda to share a frw wordsm i dont know what kieran srar5es hoovering.

The film ends with ian andirands up a hill in their sleigh, pretending they are not freezing their asses off and glissing over the fsct the horse that pulled their sleigh keeps disapprsring intermitrently vetween shors.

Either way miranda has apparrntly gicen up offixe life and is going to work at the inn chipping wood with ian for thr rest of thrir lices.

Anyone fancy a trip to vermont?

https://i0.wp.com/i1346.photobucket.com/albums/p699/gnidrah1/e1cba9fac305f29385a73a5b050530b6-650-80_zpsvyfwqeoh.jpg

Christmas Advent #3 – Christmas Mail

Day 3 – we’ve covered New Year’s floats (because Andy lied to us about everything and it wasn’t Christmas and I still hate her) and gingerbread baking competitions. Now it’s time to tackle the life and times of a postman during Christmas.

The first 5 minutes of this film pretty much covers all of the hardships one can expect to encounter when delivering mail: tripping over garden hoses, balancing a million boxes without breaking your neck and/or arms, the wind getting into your open letter bag and stealing your letters, dogs stealing your letters and finally women with crazy eyebrows and even crazier laughs accosting you in the street.

When this man first introduces himself to this crazy woman who has rescued the rogue letter from her tea leaf dog, Rudy, I thought he called himself ‘Mad the Mailman’ and for quite a long time that’s all I heard. Mad the Mailman. Of course, it’s Matt, but the whole film is a lot more fun when people go around shouting ‘Mad!’ for no reason. The woman fails to introduce herself and just walks off with Rudy and a briefcase.

There are a few odd scenes in the mail room where it looks like Mad and his boss have been green screened on to the backdrop of people sorting through mail, but as the boss then turns around and walks off into the set he was clearly, physically present on at the time…. it’s all just bizarre and confusing.

The boss is walking through all of the mail room offices barking orders until he comes across a Christmas wreath and takes great offence to it, citing it as a fire hazard. He throws this one at a passing mailman, but you can imagine how unimpressed he is when he walks by an office with fairy lights, Christmas wreaths, a Christmas tree and stockings. Think of the fire you could start in there!

Of course the woman in this room is our briefcase toting stranger from that morning and claims she has been sent on a special assignment to reply to all of the ‘Dear Santa’ letters they receive from kids. Cue the much needed sassy coworker, Sally, who walks in just as the boss is leaving.


Mystery Woman: It’s the best job. I get to travel all over the world and work 2 months out of the year.

Sally: So what do you do with the other ten months?



Mystery briefcase woman dodges the question by reading out some ‘Dear Santa’ letters but Sally is understandably more interested in this job where you only work 2 months out of the year. Unfortunately for Sally, Mystery Woman clams up and so it’s back to the daily grind for the beleaguered office worker.

Mystery Woman starts reading a letter from a girl called Emily, whose parents have died (standard Christmas film death) and is now living with her Uncle who she wishes had a friend his own age to…. kiss him and stuff. I do not know what Emily’s Uncle has been letting her watch or whether she just realises he is an incredibly lonely man on some deep, subconscious level but I think she could have used her letter to ask for any number of things which are far more likely to come true, like cooking lessons for her Uncle, because I think he just burnt spaghetti.

Emily receives her reply where we learn Santa’s number one rule: He is not allowed to bring friends who will kiss and stuff for Christmas. I guess he got sick of trying to cram all of those mail order brides into the back of his sleigh every year.

Later that evening Sally rocks up at Mystery Woman’s house, uninvited, with this ‘Welcome Party’ no one knew they had ordered.


Mystery Woman: “How did you find me?”

Sally: “Honey we work for the USPS, we know where you live.”

Me: “Well if you’re gonna give us her home address could you at least give us her name too!?”


Christie North. There it is.

When Christie sits there avoiding Sally’s questions like Lewis Hamilton evading tax she gives up and concentrates on getting pissed on eggnogg instead. I presume it’s eggnogg. There’s always eggnogg. I think I like Sally.

Back in the mailroom she’s now hellbent on hooking up Mad the Mailman with the mysterious Christie North. I’m more interested in why they would be receiving mail from France, which Sally seemed impressed by but not shocked when she finds a letter from the country. They’re not the central mail hub of the world…. I mean, I’m not entirely sure where they are but I’m pretty sure such a place doesn’t exist.

The boss is back, telling Sally her Christmas hat is a safety hazard because she might get it caught in the sorting machine and I’m beginning to believe the man has a deep-seated fear of Christmas. Maybe one year the tree set on fire and fell on him. Either way he’s being promoted to a corporate position and asked Mad to come to his office so he can tell him he’s promoting him to Assistant Mad Manager.


Mad: “I don’t think I’m manager material.”

Boss: “Yeah, aren’t you erm…. raising an orphan or something?”

Mad: “My niece.”

Me: “…. and they want this guy in an office where he can interact with more people?”


As it turns out that whole orphan comment was just thrown in there in case, from the various clips of Mad hanging around with his niece Emily and burning the spaghetti, viewers still hadn’t connected the dots and thought this guy was just the Mad Mailman.

In reality the boss believes Christie has been sent to spy on him and actually says the words ‘I’m being watched’. At this point Mad is thinking none of this shit is worth it and just wants to go back to being chased by dogs and tripping over garden hoses.

He looks even more terrified when his boss hands him a red, clip-on tie that matches his own psychotic neck wear, like he’s just inducted him to his mail room cult. His first mission, to earn the trust of this cult leader, is to tail Christie and figure out what her deal is. Wasting no time he shoots right over to her office and at least this time she’s not dressed as an overgrown elf. She is however still decorating her office and at this point it actually is a fire hazard. Legit, she’s gonna set fire to the building.

There are an odd few moments where Mad and Christie just awkwardly laugh at each other before he backs out of the office and wonders away into the building. Back at her desk Christie is being plagued by more of Emily’s letters asking if Santa can’t reconsider sending that friend over. Apparently a family of two just isn’t big enough, so I’m hoping Christie’s next move is to send over a puppy she has also trained to steal people’s mail.

At home, Mad has just had to turn down a bizarre offer to go on tour with his friend’s band, who fly out on Christmas day, and Emily is looking on and thinking she can’t believe he’s turning down this opportunity, despite the fact if he went on tour she would be left at home with no childcare and would probably starve to death inside a week. Obviously Uncle Mad suddenly remembers that ol’ electric guitar hanging around inside the broom cupboard and sits staring at that for a while to pass the time.

At work, for some bizarre reason, Mad is bringing Christie’s mail to her now. He even goes so far as to start reading some of these letters, which brings about the unfortunate conversation where he has to explain his relatives are dead.


Christie: “Are you still close?”

Mad: “Oh, she passed.”

Christie: “I’m so sorry. I cant imagine how I would feel if any of my brothers or sisters were to pass away.”

Me: “…… any?”

Mad: “…… any?”


At this point Mad gets a call from Emily asking where the matches are and whether the stove should be clicking. If you ask me this is just the standard sort of call you can expect from your adopted 6 year old and there isn’t that much cause for alarm.

It also appears she has dragged him out of work with the threat of setting fire to the house in order to set him up with Mrs. Johnson, some old woman who lives down the road but who has brought over dinner and cookies. I mean, it’s a fair trade, right? She’ll be dead soon anyway….

Anyway, Emily is back to writing letters to Santa which is alarming to me at this point because there is now an actual correspondence going on. I was very sure this was a one letter sort of deal that Santa signed up for. The boss seems to think the same as, during another disjointed conversation where Mad finds out Christie really hates coffee, Mad is called into the office where the boss is despairing over her role here. Where will it end?! When will kids stop replying to all those damn letters!? Regardless, I think Mad is kinda enjoying his new cult follower job because it brings him past the flammable office fairly often.

In the staff room, taking a break from work, Christie pulls out her own hot chocolate mix and while innocently making a drink for Mad he is stealing her damn personal mail that’s sticking out of her handbag!! Oh, and her name is spelt Kristi. Something the boss is not impressed by and feels knowing this woman’s full name and address wouldn’t help him in any way. He’s clearly never Facebook stalked someone.

Mad goes to pick Emily up from her friend’s house when a house wife suddenly drags him into a room with a bunch of other middle aged women and claims they’re all part of a group. The SPSG. The Single Parents Support Group! And today’s topic is dating for Divorced parents! The ringleader of this new, terrifying cult asks Mad to speak on the matter, despite the fact he is not divorced and is not a parent. When he points this out to them they straight up ask when the last time he had sex was.

Now…… now…. what happens when you watch this film with your kids? Will they be more heartbroken by the fact Santa is not directly receiving their letters and they’re ending up in the mail room of a neurotic cult leader? Or more intrigued by what sex is and why Mad hasn’t had any in a while? Knowing kids they’re going to be far more interested in the questions you’d rather not answer.

It’s not surprising Emily has nightmares that night about something happening to Uncle Mad, she’s probably damaged on some level by that group of women clawing at her Uncle and trying to stop him from leaving the house. It would explain why she starts asking about boys, notebooks and zebras in one long, garbled string of questions.

Mad retreats as if a pitbull were chasing after him and immediately puts in a call to the only woman in his former band who is part hippy and part having a nervous breakdown. Apparently, as the only woman he knows, he thinks it would be best if she spoke to Emily about boys, regardless of whether Emily knows this woman or not. I got distracted by wine at this point so I don’t know what agreement we came to but Kristi does put in a call to Mad to hang out again some time so he can steal some more of her personal belongings.

Hippy woman is suddenly at the house after flying in from god knows where and abandoning the rest of the band while they prep for this major Christmas tour. After telling Emily she has a gift for her, which needs to be opened in secret in another room (and we literally never find out what it is), hippy woman appears to be telling Mad to abandon this child and go on tour with them instead – in a round about, definitely not saying those specific words kind of way.

Back at the office things have kicked up a notch with the boss’ paranoia and he asks Mad to wear a wire to his dinner with Kristi. Worried Mad might have feelings for the elf next door he reminds him there is a strict policy on office relationships and he could fire him for that shit. Instead he has just recorded their own conversation and replays the line where Mad denies having any feelings for this woman. Let’s wait for this one to come back and bite him in the ass… although it might not be long because he has just invited Kristi to an indoor picnic.

Randomly, Kristi starts speaking Mandarin to their take away delivery guy because Mad needs a reason to question what the fuck it is she’s actually doing there.


Me: “Did she just say dolphins don’t believe in Santa Claus?”

Kieran: “Yup.”

Me: “Well, fucking hell.”


All of a sudden, after a call from Emily, this indoor picnic is becoming an outdoor picnic or just…. regular picnic, except it’s an hour from now because Mad is going home to change first before he carts Kristi off to meet his niece. This, for some reason, has made Kristi very nervous and Sally is there to lend a helping hand.


Sally: “First off, lose the glasses.”

Me: “Alright Sally, she can’t help it if she needs to wear glasses!”


Out in the park Emily finds Kristi speaking to a dove, or what I suspect was actually a very clean pigeon, and just goes up to talk to the crazy bird lady. Kristi lets Emily feed the bird and the kid ends up leaving her glove on the bench because kids have no grasp on how much those things cost and no, we’re not buying another pair, your hands will just have to freeze now, good job, kid. Rushing after Emily and The Hippy with the lost glove, Kristi is surprised to see Mad when he pulls up to greet them.

For some reason this causes her some doubt as she hides behind a tree for a bit before making her getaway. Now… she was aware what she was going to the park to do and who she would be meeting. Why would meeting this child first, and letting her feed the clean pigeon, in any way change what she had set out to do in the first place?

Turns out because she presumes the hippy is actually Emily’s mom. Another standard festive mix-up.


Mad: “Actually, I do have someone from work I invited down here.”

Hippy: “Really?”

Mad: “A girl.”

Hippy: “Blonde? Talks to birds?”

Mad: “Maybe likes birds…. Sounds like her.”

Me: “There are some serious conclusions being jumped to here.”


Back in the mail room there is some confusion as Sally and Mad piece together the parts of this mystery. There are two parts. Kristi was supposed to go to the park. Kristi never showed up. BAM. Done.

Because they work for the postal service Mad doesn’t even have to try very hard to stalk poor Kristi and shows up at her house. When he sees Emily’s missing glove he jumps to some more conclusions and asks her if she’s the crazy bird lady. It never takes very long for these issues to be resolved, because American Christmas movies hate for there to be any doubt or envy at Christmas, and so two scenes later Kristi has figured out that Mad is just an Uncle, The Hippy is just a friend and everything is grand.

Apparently another secret power of being an elf is to get changed in record time because suddenly this woman is changed and ready for dinner, even if she is being greeted as ‘The Bird Lady’ when she turns up at Mad’s house. Cue the festive Christmas cookie decorating montage. Also cue the absolute madness of a CGI edible glitter fight. Imagine that how you wish.

When The Hippy (aka Heather but I’ve grown fond of her other name now) starts asking Kristi awkward questions about past boyfriends I wish I had had the subtitles for Mad the Mailman enabled. They would have read as follows: HA! HA HA! HAAAAAAAAA! Ha.

Next up is a scene that made Kieran physically leave the room because going to use the toilet was easier than sitting through The Hippy and Emily singing, while Mad played the guitar. After that riveting performance I am doing my best to forget, Emily and The Hippy make the most unsubtle getaway out of the room – Emily even stops to press play on a little CD player as she goes – and naturally, the only thing which can happen now is for Mad to ask Kristi if she would like to dance. I, personally, would have taken a running dive out of the bay window.

The guitar playing really did a number on me and so, I will admit, while Kristi was telling Emily a bedtime story, which I am sure was very revealing of her own life and past…. I had left the room to check on the washing because I just needed to not be watching this film for a while.

Back in the mail room I’m actually happy to see the boss losing his shit about the efficiency of bags containing unopened letters compared to those containing opened letters. When no one is taking his research seriously he asks for all Santa letters to be put in the ‘Dead Letter’ truck, which I presume means they’re gonna be driven off and burnt on a pyre that the postal cult leader oversees. When the postal cult leader rocks up in Kristi’s flammable workshop to take away all of her letters, he reveals the ugly truth that Mad the Mailman was just spying on Kristi and stealing her mail; something he cannot either confirm or deny.


Matt: “That was before I knew you. That’s changed. I…. I’ve fallen in love with you.”

Me: “Cue the tape recorder.”

Tiny, tinny Mad the Mailman: “I don’t have feelings for Kristi North.”


Well, that was the final straw. Mad throws his clip-on tie back in his cult leaders face and leaves the safety of the scary, paranoid fold. He’s on his own now, folks.

When crazy boss of the century threatened Mad the Mailman with being thrown back on the streets, I thought he meant full on fired. What he actually meant was back on the streets delivering mail. After all those threats to straight up fire the man for much lesser offences I can’t help but feel I’ve been let down by the system.

Sally doesn’t feel quite the same as she is getting the motherfucking Postmaster General involved. I do not know my famous American buildings but if I did I would have been able to tell you which famous American building the Postmaster General was sitting in when he received Sally’s email. On Mad’s rounds another postman rocks up and delivers a letter to him which seems like post-ception.

Back at home The Hippy reveals the band has been signed by a label and he has to come on tour with them because it’s his big break! (Please god no, no more of that guitar…) It turns out the Postmaster General was actually offering Mad the Mailman the Manager’s job, demoting their crazy cult leader back to the mail room and now things are all a bit complicated. Emily steps in to say that, for the love of god, she doesn’t give a crap where they go she just wants him to get some damn friends his own age.

The bright lights and fame of tour life are too strong and Mad’s first duty as Manager is to fire his old cult leader, then fire himself and hire Sally in his place. Although Mad is happy to let Kristi run away to the ends of the earth, Sally remembers she works for the USPS and she can find anybody.

Apparently you can put out an alert on someone and all of the postal workers will look out for them whilst doing their rounds. They will then ambush a person while they are going about their daily lives and haul their asses in to the office. It’s madness!

After being dragged back to the office and told the whole, long-winded truth by Sally, Kristi panics and tries to steal a mail van in order to not miss Mad flying out of the state. Unfortunately, as an elf, she never learnt how to drive and so Sally has to do the honours. I’m pretty sure Sally’s car was in the same car park as the mail van but whatever, we need to stick with the theme of the film here.

Realising they have barely missed Mad they drive off in the vague direction of the airport but have no idea where to go. That is until various Christmas lights on people’s lawns and houses start lighting up and directing them. When Kristi shouts at Sally to follow Rudolph – a lawn ornament, actually – Sally is beginning to think she’s got some crazy ass bitch in this mail van with her, but chucks a sharp left anyway.

Eventually we catch up with Mad, The Hippy and Emily and there is a strange call between Kristi and her Dad, who appears to be Santa and so now I’m believing all the elves are his children, where she tells him she won’t be home for Christmas. Instead, god help us, she’s going touring.

I have no link to this one, so unfortunately I cannot share the horror that was a series of terribly photo shopped postcards from the tour during the credits. I can’t even find any evidence that these exist online. The world is gonna turn a blind eye to this one and pretend this shit doesn’t happen under its own roof.

I suggest we all do the same.