Christmas Advent #21 – A Christmas Wedding Date

What’s even more common at Christmas than an unrealistic business deadline? A Christmas wedding which eats into everybody’s own, personal celebration time!

I am starting this one very early in the morning so… we’ll see how this goes. When I look around I’m still unsure what my bleary ass eyes are trying to tell me, sometimes. And, for better or worse (ahhhhhhhhhhh see what I did there without meaning to!), I cannot find as link to this film. Just so you know. In advance. So! Let’s get into it!

 

Festive streets. Check. Office buildings. Check. Homeless Santa. Check. Giant Christmas lights that look like weapons of mass destruction. Check. Oh, should have guessed weapons of mass destruction were mentioned, there’s Trump tower! Just can’t keep away from anything that looks like a bomb, can he?

Some woman, living in the kind of apartment I’ve always wanted, is carrying a mirror around with her and brushing her hair 100 times. You have to have very specific hair in order to do that. If I do that either the brush gets stuck or my hair quadruples in size. Either way she hasn’t bothered with the top of her hair so when she assures herself she looks fabulous she can only mean from the ears down.

I’m not surprised she lives with alone with a cat because she keeps talking to herself and loves grooming. Oh, also, she’s being fired. Looks like she did too good of a job, merging those two banks that she was so proud to read about in the paper this morning, and now she’s no longer needed. I find the set up of this guys office bizarre and he has his back to his own door… That’s the sign of a massive bellend if ever I saw one.


Guy: “Becks, now don’t get angry, business is business, you know that. Here. A token of our appreciation.”

Becky: “It says ‘To Barry’.”

Guy: “Ooh! Here you go!”

Me: “Oh my god… is Barry getting fired too!?”


Yes he is. On meeting Barry I worry that, when he says he’s going down to Florida to spend Christmas with his folks, that he is never coming back. And his ‘folks’ won’t have seen him either. Oh, Barry. Becky has her own concerns, though, because the lucky bride has rang her up to ask where her RSVP is and she thinks Becky should get over her doubts about coming home, her dad has been dead for 3 years already, isn’t that long enough? Who cares if you have a strained relationship with your mom? Pffffft.

Becky… I don’t know what is going on with this woman… When she phones people up, trying to sell herself for a new job, she keeps asking to meet up with them on Christmas Day and then seems offended when no one will be in. Honestly, the most interesting part of the film so far is her cat. I am mesmerised by it.

With absolutely nothing else to do, Becky decides to head on home for the Christmas Eve wedding and cannot avoid the perky taxi driver who just wants to be everyone’s best friend. God help us all.


Taxi Guy: “Ah! Christmas weddings are the best! Who’s the lucky guy?”

Becky: “Oh, no, no, it’s not me. I’m just a guest.”

Taxi Guy: “Oh, sorry, Miss.”

Becky: “Don’t be. I mean, honestly, who has time for relationships these days? And marriage? It seems like one big investment.”

Taxi Guy: “Big investment?”

Becky: “Yeah, and like many investments a lot of them go bust.”

Taxi Guy: “Oh, I never figured marriage that way. I always thought of marriage as a gift you give yourself.”

Me: “And I have never, not once, thought of marriage that way.”


Taxi Guy is way too busy trying to convince Becky that marriage is the best thing that could ever happen to a person and seems not to have noticed that, around here, the rules of the road are completely different to everywhere else in the world. Apparently, here, people are allowed to pull off their drives without checking for traffic and you happen to be driving past then that is your fault.

Prediction #1 – Becky will blame banging her head in the taxi on the fact all this weird shit starts happening to her – like the Christmas feels.

For some really fucking bizarre reason this guy is handing out Christmas ornaments to his passengers and everything looks like a dual purpose weapon in this film. The guy also claims he only knows Becky’s name because it was on her luggage tag but both me and Kieran believe…

Prediction #2 – Taxi Guy is Santa! And has shaved his beard off for the warmer climate

I can’t wait to see how and why Becky’s relationship with her mother is so strained when her mother seems delighted to see her and has even made her her favourite cookies. Maybe Becky’s issue with her parent was the fact she kept feeding her carbs. Isn’t that the ultimate form of motherly love? Seeing as the woman is far too busy waiting for her daughter to return and baking cookies, she never got around to redecorating any of the rooms and Becky has to face a picture of… Chad. It’s basically a cube with hair, wearing a football jersey.

Prediction #3 – Chad is invited to this wedding and Becky will need to forgive him or even possibly fall in love with him over the span of one evening


Becky: “So are you going to the wedding?”

Mom: “Unfortunately I’ve got to open the diner. It’s pretty dead around the holidays but the sign says ‘Open 7 Days a Week’.”

Becky: “Well, business is business, right?”

Mom: “Well, there are people who depend on me, you know? Folks with no family? Where would they go if I wasn’t there for them?”

Me: “I think the point is they wouldn’t go anywhere. They’d stay home.”


The more and more I see these pair together, the more and more I get the distinct feeling most of the issues actually lie with Becky. Feeling a little guilty about the fact she abandoned her mother, alone, after her father died Becky decides the most she can do is give her that Christmas ornament from beardless Santa. I, personally, would have plunged it into the side of her neck but her mother is far too nice and hangs it up on the tree, instead.

The next morning Becky realises she is way late for the wedding when her mother calls her to check she is awake and that the wedding starts at 1pm sharp. I hate sunny Christmas films, probably because we never actually get a white Christmas around here and this all feels way too real. Either way, Becky is working her way down that sunny street and leaving a trail of destruction behind her as she interacts with every person who just wants to get through their Christmas Eve.


Girl Scout: “Would you like to buy some Christmas cookies?”

Becky: “Cookies? No, I don’t want to buy any cookies. Cookies make you fat and especially around the holidays there is a lot of temptation. So no, I don’t want to buy your cookies.”

Me: “Could have just walked past her and ignored her…”


On entering the blast radius of the wedding venue, Becky is accosted by someone called Jenny who used to be fat and now has fake boobs that she wants people to touch. When someone called Molly walks out in an identical dress I realise these are bridesmaids and Becky probably feels a way about not being asked to be her best friends bridesmaid, despite the fact she hasn’t spoken to or visited these people for 3 years.

This is the worst wedding ever. Worse than the two I actually attended and inadvertently almost ruined. Jenna is being lead down the aisle by Chad who almost bolts at the sight of Becky and when Alison, the actual bride, shows up, the woman at the keyboard…. well I don’t know what the fuck that was, quite frankly. This entire thing is a shit show.

I recognise that vicar!! Or whatever you call them. I am very sure he is normally on the Christmas circuit, too. At least Becky feels the same way I do about this guy inviting God down to this little love-fest. Maybe if they had actually invited God he would have remembered to bring the rings, unlike Mark’s best man who has to borrow a random one from the crowd, instead. Such a beautiful ceremony.

The way Becky marches up to the bar after that train crash you would have thought she was going for the hard liquor but lets us all down by ordering a water. There is a strange interaction with some drunken guy who is a sex pest and… why has Chad’s coach been invited to this wedding? Either way, he thinks it’s probably best to go over to Becky and ask her to stop shaking the wedding gifts that are not hers. Oh, fucking hell, these two greet each other by…. singing to each other. Singing to each other.

Apparently no on has seen this woman for 10 years, 4 months and 3 days but her dad only died years ago. Personally I would have ran the fuck away from Chad when I realised he had been counting the days we were apart because that makes him either a very accurate stalker or he has been counting down the hours to his sweet revenge. Thank god she was only drinking water! It’s going to make navigating out of this hell hole much easier.

Chad is delighted hear that Becky is married to her job and has lead a boring life whilst he went away to Paris, learnt to cook, fell in love and now owns a restaurant.


Chad: “I thought I had everything figured out but… I figured wrong. That fell apart 3 years ago.”

Me: “Were you… were you dating Becky’s Dad?”

Becky: “I’m sorry.”

Chad: “Oh, it’s OK, we weren’t meant to be together. She was always on the go, always had some place else she needed to be that was more important…”

Me: “Like the grave…”


When Molly interrupts this delightful conversation about hating women who are too busy to settle down, by kissing Chad, Becky thinks that some things never change. I mean… the man was very clearly not enjoying that but, whatever. Luckily our attention is diverted by the sex pest and the best man who are doing shot and shouting about their old football team. Doesn’t this day just keep getting better? Yes, it does, because when Molly laughs she snorts like a legit pig.

Prediction #4 – A million years ago Becky thought Chad was cheating on her with Molly and left before he could explain

I thought this shit was over but now we’re being forced to sit down and eat while Alison hand feeds Mark wedding cake at the top table. Vomitous. I look up when Jenna starts speaking and am alarmed by the fact she seems to have broken her own wrist just to get out of this never ending event. The conversation has turned to having crushes on teachers and why Becky and Chad’s relationship failed so, I don’t blame her.

I’m glad Molly has been dragged away but am worried for my very soul that someone has called her up and handed her a mic. That voice. That laugh. I thought we had it bad with Cynthia but she’s got nothing on Molly, here. When Molly cannot help making fun of Becky everyone seems alarmed when the woman storms out of the venue and why she didn’t find that joke funny about her being forever alone and living with a beautiful cat as amusing as the rest of the guests. With absolutely nowhere else to go she wonders the street, crying, until she finds her way to her mother’s diner and hogs the women’s bathroom.

I don’t know how long she was moping in there for but Chad has had time to turn up and order apple pie and coffee in that time. He manages to cheer Becky up when he informs her Molly is still a cocktail waitress and has gotten nowhere with her life but when Becky claims that’s totally cool because she has everything she could ever want I adore her mom’s face across the counter, clearly calling bullshit.

Still being hopelessly in love with Becky, Chad thinks they should take another chance together and this woman just keeps saying ‘business is business’ to people like it actually matters to them and she couldn’t possibly hang around until lunch tomorrow with the man when she needs to get home, feed her cat and find a job. Not appreciating the truth bombs being thrown at her from every direction now, Becky heads on home to have a lie down and think about all the people she has already been mean to in the past 24 hours and how much she probably still loves Chad.

And that is why, the next morning, she wakes up to find it is Christmas Eve all over again! Not that she realises this when she checks her phone in the morning and has to have her mom explain it to her while dragging her luggage to the curb and thinking she has a taxi to catch. Worried that her mother may be getting dementia it takes the paper boy lobbing the Christmas Eve edition at Becky to start believing something may be up. Like… reliving the same day over and over again or seeing Santa in the reflection of a shop window. Becky is completely unphased that she is talking to this spectral man who is not really there and just keeps shouting at him about how he was supposed to have picked her up.

As predicted Becky blames that bump to her head for her hallucinations and none of this is down to fate trying to show her how jaded she has become in the last 10 years, 4 months and 3 days. All Becky needs to discover is why the hell she has been put in this never ending cycle and it will all go away. Oh christ… that means she has to keep sitting through that wedding, over and over again. Please woman! For the love of god just find your soul so we can get out of here! What I do adore is Becky coming to terms with this horror show.


Becky: “Do you ever get the feeling that you’ve done something before?”

Chad: “Like deja vu?”

Becky: “No, like you and I, having this conversation in this exact same spot.”

Me: “Yeah. Deja vu.”


Becky has turned to the hard liquor during her second run through and is also freaking out Chad when she starts predicting what will happen next and why the hell couldn’t she have warned the man about that fucking oncoming laugh from Molly? How many times? At least Becky has the presence of mind to leave before Molly’s speech and call the airline asking for an earlier flight out of this hellhole. Unfortunately, Santa is on the other end of the phone and lectures her on her lack of Christmas spirit.

I am comforted to find that this film is only an hour and 45 minutes long and, with adverts, that should make the entire thing a lot less painful. Becky thinks it would be prudent to drop in on the vicar and ask him what he meant in his wedding speech about a master plan for everyone’s lives but ends up just freaking the guy out because he hadn’t shown anyone his speech yet. Which he was writing… a few hours before the wedding… I have zero idea how to vicar but I would definitely just have a stock speech I pulled out at every event.

Somehow the woman has managed to make her day worse by getting water thrown over her on the way to the wedding. The weather is… pretty hot I mean… it would have dried in a few minutes if she had let it but she, instead, elects for the most hideous dress she can get hold of in the hopes it might ward of sex pests.

Becky seems to be having a lot more fun this time around, which also includes doing shots with the sex pest. Apparently bright colours and alcohol attract them so… you should probably avoid all of that. Alcohol also makes you slightly insane when you bump into your ex-boyfriend. Fair warning.


Chad: “Who are you? What happened to the old Rebecca? The one that I fell in love with.”

Becky: “The one you cheated on? Yeah, she’s gone now. She’s been replaced by a better Rebecca.”

Me: “The drunk, colourblind one.”


The next run through, Becky manages to get herself escorted off the property and sent to jail. She is right, the new Rebecca is way better than the old one. Her mom attributes her daughter’s crazed ramblings about being ‘stuck’ to being under a lot of stress from work. She does actually give some sound advice about trying something completely new when you feel like you’re stuck in a rut, which is nice, and is very touched when Becky asks to spend the day with her and ends up being dragged to the diner.


Mom: “Well, it’s not the same since your father passed away but… I really can’t imagine this town without it.”

Becky: “So many memories…”

Mom: “Oh… all of them good ones.”

Me: “Not a single robbery at gun point? Not one brawl? Wow.”


Becky is all forgiven by her Mom because it’s Christmas and she’s very lonely at this time of year so I feel that Becky is well on the way to escaping Christmas Eve.

For some reason Becky has only just remembered she has a company credit card but the day she bothered to buy herself a new car and fancy dress merely ends with her sitting around, eating popcorn and being lectured by Santa on the TV about her materialistic ways. Eurgh, that means more bonding time with her mom. Again. Day after day. At least she is eating something new every day and is actually present at the diner when Alison turns up for her pre-wedding coffee.

This film is sending some real mixed messages about women needing to be very thin and not eat cheese, bacon, pancakes or ice-cream. Alison is also there to break the news to her best friend that Chad never cheated on her with Molly and she’s a total idiot for thinking so. That’s probably why, after the ceremony, Becky decides to approach Chad by singing to him, instead and heading outside for a drink. People are very OK with being sang at, around here.

Despite hearing from her best friend that Chad never cheated on her, Becky still claims he did, right to his face… and no one seems bothered enough to properly correct her and tell her what really happened! There is still half an hour left of this film, other than that revelation, what the hell could be left?


Becky: “So what do you do for fun?”

Chad: “I don’t even know where to start.”

Becky: “Well, what about ice skating.”

Chad: “Ice skating? You hated ice skating.”

Becky: “Well, no, I hated falling down. But people change.”

Me: “Now I simply adore falling down.”


The next run through of Christmas Eve, Becky signs up for both ice skating lessons and baking lessons from her own mother. If she kept fucking up this day she could become a pro skater and baker in time for the Christmas Day she actually gets to enjoy. Now I can’t even balance properly on my own two feet so I was predictably awful at balancing on two thin blades ON ICE.

Eventually the woman begins to improve so I guess she just wasted a good 6 years of her life attending the same wedding over and over again. To the point of falling asleep during the ceremony, which I cannot blame her for, and stalking Chad to the skating rink early on Christmas Eve morning so she can sing her way into the room and announce her arrival.


Becky: “They’re having a Christmas Eve morning special. Wanna be my partner?”

Chad: “I haven’t seen you in over 10 years and the first thing you ask me is to go ice skating with you?”

Me: “Actually, the first thing she did is sing to you so this request is dramatically more normal.”


Becky is now freaking out everyone in town with her expanse of knowledge of them and all of their inner workings but that’s apparently OK and no one is going to report her to the police because she is bribing them with cigars.

I am confident that when Becky buys out the entire girl scout’s cookie stock and starts handing them out to people on the street that this is the final run-through and we’ll never have to deal with this awful wedding ceremony again. Although… Becky has been working dramatically on improving the entire thing which is astounding, seeing as she only has a few hours every morning to sort this shit out.

I missed (I say ‘missed’) a bit when Kieran started talking to me but it appears that Chad and Becky have completely ditched the wedding so she can invite Chad to a tiny, hidden table and serve him a meal she cooked for him. In order to end this hellish day Becky invited her mom to the reception, just in time to hear Becky giving her own speech about how great everyone is and how she has become a totally different person in, apparently, only 24 hours. I’m surprised her mom isn’t getting her committed.

Both me and Kieran are perturbed to see the sex pest inviting Becky’s mom to dance, which Becky doesn’t notice because she’s too busy staring at Chad and reminiscing about the last 6 years she has spent reliving the same day.

To prevent from confusing herself, I feel that Becky should have gone to bed wearing different clothes and doing her hair differently so she could tell she wasn’t damned to an eternity of terrible wedding receptions and doesn’t keep talking to random Christmas ornaments given to her by taxi drivers.


Becky: “Why are you so shiny when I’m so blue?”

Me: “Well, that’s just a question for the ages, isn’t it.”


Chad is nice enough to turn up at her house, cook her breakfast and make sure it is portable in case she doesn’t have time to eat it before her flight. Still worried she may take that flight I am confused why he also pops a marriage proposal. He was really setting himself up for potential misery with that little stunt…

I do appreciate, however, that when Becky heads out to tell Santa the taxi driver she won’t need that lift to the airport after all and is never leaving home again… she doesn’t actually have a job she needs to get back to. She does have an apartment to sell but that’s about all.

Honestly guys, I think you should appreciate the fact there was no link to this film so you couldn’t possibly be tempted to go and check it out for yourself. I took this one for the team!

 

 

Prediction board – 3/4

  • Prediction #1 – Becky will blame banging her head in the taxi on the fact all this weird shit starts happening to her – CORRECT! It was fun to watch her hit her head though.
  • Prediction #2 – Taxi Guy is Santa! And has shaved his beard off for the warmer climate – I…. still don’t really know who the taxi guy was… INCORRECT?
  • Prediction #3 – Chad is invited to this wedding and Becky will need to forgive him or even possibly fall in love with him over the span of one evening – I mean, technically it was more over like 6,000 years of Becky’s limbo-ed soul time but as far as Chad is concerned… CORRECT!
  • Prediction #4 – A million years ago Becky thought Chad was cheating on her with Molly and left before he could explain – CORRECT and CHECK to the eye roll.

 

  • Horse and Sleigh: I believe in this case this would have been classed as animal cruelty
  • Piano: The singing was enough, let’s not give them a musical instrument, too
  • Carolling: Does the impromptu singing from Becky and Chad count?
  • Christmas Montage: No one deserved a montage today
  • Fire Hazards: Only the wedding guests after taking all those shots
  • Relative(s) died a tragic death during a past Christmas: I wasn’t paying enough attention to know when Becky’s Dad died.
  • Snowing on cue: We’ve had many a sunny Christmas film, this year! I guess you have to include non-snowy states, too.

 

I now know that trying to watch a ‘cheery’ and ‘uplifting’ Christmas film so early in the morning is a terrible deal. For me. Unfortunately I’m going to have to make a few more bad business decisions because early morning is the only time left for me to review.

God. Help me. Tomorrow. Or whenever you’re ready, buddy.

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