End of Days

Tomorrow, CW4 is leaving us to move to London. He is…. he is……

He is about as stealthy as the T-Rex from Jurassic park and when he visits the floor above ours in the building…. we can track his progress across the floor. He is also the reason restraining orders exist, I am sure. He is obsessively bulking and gyming all of the time.

When not stomping around looking for food or being reported by women he is most likely to be found complaining about how he doesn’t have a can of Stella in his hand.

So here I have documented his best (this being the operative word) moments, including the entirety of our last pub meal together. He actually leaves tomorrow, but myself and two other people are not around, so unfortunately I will be missing the moment he gets gifted with his leaving presents, including ‘The Wankers Guide to Masturbation‘. Which you can buy here. Forever alone, I guess.


CW1: “Wait, let’s see if we can hear him!”

All listening to CW4 walk around on the floor above us.

Everyone: “Yup!”

Me: “Imagine trying to go ghost hunting with him, you’d be screwed. ‘I think I hear something…. Wait, someone check CW4 wasn’t moving around in a neighbouring town.’

CW1: “In a hostage situation, if we were hiding, I’d be like ‘You can get the hell away from me.’

CW5: “Imagine his SAS training…”

Me: “Yeah, if he parachuted in on the roof of a skyscraper they’d hear him down on the third floor.”

CW3: “Can we ask him to walk…”

CW5: “Normally? I can try, I mean… Right now it just sounds like he’s trying to break his own feet.”

CW1: “But he’s not hurting anyone right now except his own feet.”

Me: “And the structural integrity of the building. If this place falls down they’ll need to do an investigation into CW4.”

CW4 returns…

CW1: “We can hear you upstairs. We tested this time.”

CW4: “I think you’re joking though.”

Me: “We are not.”

CW1: “For lent we think you should give up storming.”

CW4: “I can’t even give up smoking, let alone storming.”

Me: “Storming is life!”

CW6: “That needs to be a t-shirt.”


Myself and CW3 pretending to shoot ourselves in the head due to regular CW4 bullshit.

Me: “Actually that kinda hurt, my nails are too long.”


CW4, during office table tennis tournament: “I’ve got my last match tomorrow. Someone’s gonna lose.”

Me: “Yes; statistically someone will lose.”

CW4: “Yeah, but pray it isn’t me.”

Me: “You want me to pray for you?”

CW3: “Hayley doesn’t pray.”

CW6: “If Hayley prayed for you, you’d burst into flames.”

Me: “I probably wouldn’t even mean to. It would just happen.”


CW4: “I didn’t like the man who presented. He kept doing weird hand movements.”

Everyone, watching CW4 flap his arms around: “…….”

CW4: “What was it CW3 said? He said limp….”

Me: “Limp-wristed?”

CW4: “No, no, Limp Biscuit!”

Me: “Oh my God, Fred Durst was presenting at a Google Training day!?”

CW4: “I don’t think that was his name.”

Everyone: “…………….”


CW4: “Is psychology the one where you have to answer riddles?”

Me: “I’m not trying to Indiana Jones my way into a tomb…”

CW4: “No, like if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around.”

CW5: “That’s philosophy.”

CW4: “What’s that?”

CW5: “You literally just…… Never mind.”


More than once CW5 has put pepper into CW4’s tea.

CW5: “For his last day I was going to prank him by putting cyanide in his tea.”

Me: “That’s a big step up from pepper.”

CW5: “It’s the natural progression.”

Me: “I mean… whether he leaves on his own two feet or he’s carried out, the important thing is he is leaving.”


The Final Meal

It should be noted that CW4 did invite the receptionist who he is not so secretly in love with.

She said she’d come along.

She did not.


CW4: “I feel so stressed.”

CW5: “Well most people have a break between jobs. You leave Friday, move to London during the weekend and start work on Monday.”

CW4: “Yeah, that was a dick move.”

Me – “That should probably be written on his gravestone. ‘Here lies CW4. That was a dick move.'”

CW4: “The only day of rest I’ll have is the Saturday. Every Saturday, on my way to Asda, I go to the park with a can of beer, smoke a cig and watch the swans.”

Me: “I can’t, I’m actually dying right now. I can’t breathe.”

CW6: “Do you ever reflect on your previous weeks there?”

CW4: “Yes!”

Me – “The bench feels a bit different today…”

CW4: “I don’t sit down.”

Me: “Oh shit, he doesn’t even have time to sit. He’s got places to stomp.”


CW1: “So who is getting him smashed at the social?”

CW4: “I’m not going.”

Everyone: “What!? Why aren’t you going?”

CW4: “Well why are none of you going? CW6 never goes. CW3 is on holiday. CW7’s wife is pregnant. CW1 has a wedding. Hayley…”

Me: “I hate people.”

CW4: “Hayley hates people! Why do I have to go!?”

CW1: “Because it’s your last one!”

Me: “It’s not on rest day is it? He can’t go on his rest day.”

CW4: “Nah, that’s not it.”

CW1: “Then what is it?”

CW4, looking wistfully at the ceiling: “………………..”

CW6: “I’ve never seen him so quiet.”

Me: “I imagine that’s the face he pulls when he’s watching the swans.”

CW6: “I hope he has sad music playing in the background…”


CW1: “Highlights? Lowlights? Speech?”

CW6: “Yeah! Speech!”

Me: “Shouldn’t he wait for tomorrow on his actual last day?”

CW6: “But a lot of us aren’t here.”

Me: “I know.”


CW4: “I don’t think I had any problems with any of you. I mean, I’ve never worked with you two. (Me and CW1.) I wish I had.”

CW3: “Hayley doesn’t.”


CW4, talking about the receptionist: “I asked her to thread my eyebrows and I wondered how that would work because I’ve only ever had them done by a dude….”

Me: “Yeah… women have opposable thumbs too.”

CW4: “Actually, I was thinking about the view I would have when she leans over…”

Everyone: “OH DEAR JESUS CW4!”

CW5, downing beer.


CW4: “I said I’d have to cut down my drinking when I move to London, but that’s not gonna happen, is it?”

CW6: “Nah mate.”

CW1: “You might have to when it’s 10 quid a pint.”

CW4: “I’m gonna have to find a new park…”

CW6: “Do you name the swans when you’re there?”

CW4: “I named one Daniel.”


Getting back to work and seeing the receptionist has put up a sign at the desk.

CW3: “Ooh, receptionist is currently unavailable.”

Me: “That’s just for CW4’s benefit.”


CW5: “How do you think he’ll react to the book we got him?”

CW3, putting on a voice: “Huh, huh, huh, you guys know me so well.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s it. I don’t even need to be here tomorrow.”


CW6 found a video that sums up both a) CW4’s natural stomp and b) the video we made of all the guys trying to reinact that natural stomp, which I can’t include here because here doesn’t technically exist, as far as they are concerned.

For other CW4 related posts, if you’re really that interested, check out the below because… HE AIN’T EVER COMIN’ BACK!
(I realised this is a bit confusing as someone left and he changed from CW5 to CW4…. I’m sure you can figure out which speaker he is from the dumbassery leaving his mouth, though.)

The ‘H’ is Silent
Fire Drill 101
Technique
Paranoia
Skincare
Laughter is the Best Medicine
Morals
Bro’s Gold

Sabotage

Mom – “Don’t forget to put that stew in the fridge.”

Me – “Does it need to go in the fridge? I’m heating it up again tomorrow.”

Mom – “Yes! It’s got meat and veg in it! You’ll give yourself food poisoning!”

Me – “….”

Mom – “No. Don’t even think about giving yourself food poisoning to get out of work. I saw that face… It’s the kind of face I’d pull when I’m thinking….”

Together – “Is it worth it?”

Graveyard

Me – “Mom….?”

Mom – “Yes?”

Me, pulling out a drawer full of hairdryers – “What is this?”

Mom – “It’s where I keep the hairdryers. No one uses them now.”

Me – “It’s like you’re running some kind of hairdryer retirement village right here from the dresser…. We’ll just forget about them until they don’t work anymore.”

Mom – “Just like in real life, then.”

Me – “….”

The ‘H’ is Silent

CW4 – “I can do an impression of everybody here! Except for Hayley and CW2.”

CW6 – “Do CW5!”

CW4 – “That’s easy! I do his all the time, it’s just posh.”

CW6, in a ridiculously posh accent – “Hello there.”

CW5 – “That’s not how I speak!”

CW6 – “Turning up with a top hat and a cane. And a monocle.”

CW4, in a posh accent – “Hello. I’ve just come back from shooting peasants in the park.”

Me – “Peasants!?

CW6 – “Did you mean pheasants?”

Me – “He’s so rich he has disposable peasants on his land.”

CW4, to CW5 – “Right, come on, let’s go to the gym. I’m pumped.”

Me – “Shooting peasants will do that to you…”

CW6, in a posh accent – “Tally-ho gents!”

CW3 – “Are you not going with them?”

Me – “Don’t be silly, we’re from Wolverhampton. We are the peasants. CW6 can’t leave the office with them, he’ll be shot and plucked…”

Mortgage 101

Me – “I don’t want to see the mortgage advisor later, he’s cutting into my Friday drinking time.”

CW1 – “Drink at the mortgage advisors.”

Me – “Yeah, he’ll definitely say ‘you seem like a responsible young adult to lend money to’.”

CW4 – “I’m seeing a mortgage advisor later too.”

Me – “Am I…. Am I going with you?”

CW4 – “Ha! No. It’s because I had to phone them the other week and I went ‘Look, yeah…’.”

Me – “Oh my god is that what you opened with? You also seem like a responsible adult that can be trusted with lots of money. I feel good about us getting these mortgages CW4!”

Mystery Getaway

CW1 – “Why does your holiday say 1st – 9th inclusive?”

CW6 – “To say I’m off those days too.”

CW1 – “Oh right… Well I declined it anyway.”

CW6 – “What!?”

Me – “Yeah, I deleted it too. In all fairness I delete everyone’s holidays when you email them over. I treat you all fairly.”

CW3 – “Yeah, then you wonder where are.”

Me – “No, I never wonder that.”

And On the Sixth Day…

Yesterday, Claire shared a photo of what an old classmate of ours looks like now:

Just for background’s sake… Before this I had asked Claire if there were dinosaurs in the bible (I am very anti-religion and so keep any teachings/brainwashing at about the arm’s length away of Mr. Fantastic but Claire, although not religious, keeps getting blessed by religious figures and so, for my purposes, was more than qualified to ask this question).

Her answer was that our old classmate and his fiance did not make the cut for the Bible.