Since getting a new Receptionist/Office Manager at work things have been going…. downhill.
The other week a roof tile fell in and all the toilets flooded. I know it seems like this probably wasn’t the Office Manager’s fault but when the problem was reported to her and she simply replied with ‘Oh, I’ll see if I can call someone’ while the tiles were collapsing and toilet water was flooding out into the hallway and down the elevator shaft….. well, you know.
For some of our more delicate employee’s the simple change from free clementines and tangerines to full blown, fuck-off oranges has been…. traumatic to say the least.
Here was CW2’s run in with his first office orange:
God, I can’t peel this at all.
Oh for god’s sake it’s covered in the white stuff. I hate the white stuff.
I still haven’t peeled it and I’m getting juice everywhere.
I’ve got juice down me.
I’ve got juice in my keyboard.
Oh, buzzin’! I’ve got a segment!!
…. I just got stabbed in the face with a seed…
I don’t even like oranges…
I’ve got orange juice in my eye!!
And finally, we closed this event with CW2 choking on his orange before giving up and declaring his hatred for the office fruit.
It’s the thought that counts.
I thought about it and I couldn’t be bothered.”
Uncle Phil – on Christmas
Mom – “Eurgh, I forgot to tell you yesterday what happened at work. This woman came in….”
Me – “Well, this already sounds like the beginning of a shit day.”
Me – “We’re going shopping next week!”
Mom – “Oh! That reminds me I need to cancel my bowel screening.”
Me – “….. Are you cancelling a bowel screening to go shopping?”
Mom – “……….”
Me – “The fuck is wrong with you? I mean…. at least make my day and tell them that’s the reason when you cancel it.”
Mom – “No, I’m gonna tell them there’s been a death in the family.”
Me – “Why has someone got to die!? Why do you immediately go so dramatic!? Just say you’re at work that day!”
Mom – “Well mine sounds more believable.”
Me – “More believable than having a job!? And when you say ‘Oh, yeah, but can I rearrange for next week?’ they’ll be like ‘Oh…. Wasn’t a close relative then?’”
Mom – “Well I’ll just say it’s the funeral instead, then.”
Me – “Just say you gotta work man! Why has someone got to die so you can go shopping!?”
Every time I see some light at the end of the tunnel… the tunnel caves in and these weird ass, blind cannibals who have lived underground for years start chasing me down.
Me – suffering a hellish work month set to end approx. 2018
After a long day at work, sometimes your Manager just needs to get things off their chest.
RM – “Sometimes I like to make buffalo sauce and drink it bit by bit.”
Me – “Is this where we’re at with the day?”
Kieran: “So, the house survey is done and they’ve found that it’s built on a…”
Me: “Indian burial ground!”
Kieran: “…. No. A coal reserve.”
Me: “Fucks sake. The Black Country is so boring.”
Mom, sitting in the dining room – “Come on anyway, let’s go sit in the more comfortable room.”
Me – “Is… is that what we’re calling the living room now?”
Nan, cackling to herself in the dining room.
Me, getting a drink – “You alright in here?”
Nan – “Ahhhh don’t worry, I won’t hurt you after dark.
Me – “Oh, well, that’s great Nan, but it’s two in the afternoon.”