To Be Honest…. #1

We’ve all watched a film or TV programme where a character has the chance to come completely clean about what’s been happening to them. A chance to get help, reach out, stop being tortured or clear their name!

And they don’t take it because as a human race we just love saying ‘Oh no, I’m fine!’ even when our wife and children have been kidnapped and are being held hostage at a nearby abandoned warehouse by the local madman who lives solely on a diet of spaghetti hoops on dry, plain sponge cake…. or something like that.

Occasionally I’ll be popping back in with the most amazing examples of what would happen if people were honest in films and TV, with no context and no clues about what I’ve been watching other than what the character has been through.

Enjoy!

 

“That’s not really my Grandad, he’s just an old guy in the neighbourhood I found out was a Nazi at the concentration camps and I started blackmailing him so he would tell me stories about torture and the war and now I’m all kindsa fucked up and that’s why my grades have been slipping. Oh, and I killed a pigeon in the gym. I think I need help.”

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Yu-Gi-Oh! – S1 E4

If you have found yourself here and are wondering why everyone keeps talking about dicks, take a travel back to Yu-Gi-Oh! – S1 E1. You will find the rules there (there are none) so with that being said…

It’s time to d-d-d-d-d-duel!

Episode 4
“I’m so pumped to use Dark Magician again!”

Synopsis

Into the Hornet’s Nest
Yugi has to learn fast when he and his friends arrive on Pegasus’ island, where the rules of the deadly duels are unlike any Yugi has seen before.

Best Bits

“I implore you all to assemble your duelling dicks with care, with creativity and with cunning.”

“Let’s see how you like my Killer Needle.”

Yugi: “I have something else I think you want. My whole Duel Monster’s Dick.”
Weevil: “So you’d risk your Grandpa’s dick? Fine with me.”

 

Monster’s Sighted:

  • Killer Needle (1/4)
  • Mammoth Graveyard (1/4)
  • Hercules Beetle (1/4)
  • Feral Imp (1/4)
  • Basic Insect (1/4)
  • Dark Magician (3/4)
  • Celtic Guardian (1/2)
  • Summoned Skull (1/2)

Recap

Straight off the bat, on seeing the island they are heading for and about to disembark on, Joey can’t help but mention how big the place is and how hard it will be to find Grandpa. A) the man isn’t just wondering around in the wilderness so I imagine there will only be a few logical places for him to be kept and B) you’re looking for the man’s soul. I don’t… I don’t know… I mean I’m not sure… I’ve never possessed one, not even my own, so I don’t think that’s something you just leave lying around waiting for people to trip over. God knows we are all aware imagination isn’t Joey’s strong suit. In fact, it doesn’t appear any suit is Joey’s strong suit.

After a strange scene where Tristan finds it very hard to walk off a boat without acting suspicious we find out Joey has a cold because he almost drowned himself in the sea last episode. On seeing Weevil Joey is adamant he is looking to start trouble, despite the fact he is just standing out on the dock grinning inanely at everything.

S1.4.7
Yeah… that’s snot

The guards invite contestants to ‘follow the stairs’ in order to meet their host which is an interesting way of saying ‘he’s up there’ and everyone is forced to walk along what looks like part of the Great Wall of China.

S1.4.8
Nah, fuck that, I’ll just go home

Again Tea uses her stalking extraordinaire skills to spot ‘Bakura from school’ at a cool distance of 50 feet, hanging out alone in the woods. She ain’t the only one with skills as Bakura appears to have spotted them, too.

Back at the gates to the Great Wall there are a bunch of rumours flying around about how everyone needs to beat Yugi because he beat Kaiba in a terrible dog-eat-dog duelling food chain. We are all kindly interrupted by Pegasus, who has arrived to give a rousing speech to the masses and explain the rules of the game. Wager your star chips in duels in order to win 10 and make your way to the castle where you can duel Pegasus himself and a chance to win £3 mil. He also warns about some state of the art duelling grounds but let’s just gloss over that for now because I’m sure everything will be fine.

I hate to point out Joey does not have a glove at this point so I’m not sure where he’s gonna store his star chips without just getting distracted by the pretty shiny object and trying to shove it up his nose. It might not seem like it but I do actually have a soft spot for this gullible moron.

Heading out on the island Yugi and the gang soon come across Weevil and try to challenge him to a duel before he runs off, cackling, into the woods. Being bombarded with an unnatural amount of moths isn’t enough to put them off and they just run after the little guy until they find him standing, waiting for them, in the middle of the woods.

S1.4.9
Oh, no, this is a totally normal amount of moths for this time of year

Cue Yami Yugi, who I have dearly missed. I’m not sure if Weevil is due another eye test anytime soon but he seems completely unfazed by the fact Yugi has just grown 3 feet and gone through puberty in the last two seconds. He’s probably just too smug about the fact he has lead them all into this trap and opened up a duelling arena in the middle of the ground. I’d be impressed by this technology but… this ain’t the 90’s anymore.

S1.4.10
Yeah, sure, impressive, but can I download apps on it?

Yami Yugi demands this is an all or nothing match and if he wins then Weevil gets the fuck outta dodge because he is taking both his star chips. He is so confident he’s gonna bet his whole deck on it – you know… seeing as he already gave one star chip to Captain Oblivious.

Already drawing a crowd, the pair get to it and materialise their monsters out on the ‘state-of-the-art’ arena. I’m disappointed to say no one else seems too impressed by this, despite the fact only Yugi and Joey saw this kind of technology when they battled Kaiba in the first episode. Weevil also takes the time to kindly (and loudly) explain how he stole the tournament rules beforehand which means he was fully aware the arenas offer field bonuses to monsters depending on the terrain they’re located on. Turns out woods and bugs… well, if you’ve ever had a bug fly straight into your face while taking a hike then, ya know, they love that shit.

Yami Yugi interrupts Weevil’s tirade by mocking the boy because it took him about 0.3 seconds to work all of this out on his own, no stealing required, and he happens to have a patch of wasteland terrain on his side of the arena that’s gonna make it all work out OK.

Things get a bit hairy when it turns out monsters with a field bonus are apparently resistant to magic but everything balances out when Yami Yugi draws, surprise surprise, Dark Magician. Even Weevil can’t help making a dig about this card being Yugi’s favourite and we’re only four episodes in.

S1.4.11
BFF’s

I should point out that Yugi’s friends show some sort of awareness that Yugi ‘seems like a totally different person when he’s duelling’, but it’s not enough awareness to… I don’t know… raise any further questions about it.

The episode ends with Yami Yugi destroying every one of Weevil’s cards on the field, saving Dark Magician and cutting Weevil’s life points down dramatically. Unfortunately we can’t escape before Weevil shows us some weird, pulsating egg sack he carelessly left out on the field, making a hideous mess everywhere.

I’m sad this is the first ‘To Be Continued’ episode because it only means we have to listen to Weevil talk some more. See you next episode, folks!

Yu-Gi-Oh! – S1 E3

If you have found yourself here and are wondering why everyone keeps talking about dicks, take a travel back to Yu-Gi-Oh! – S1 E1. You will find the rules there (there are none) so with that being said…

It’s time to d-d-d-d-d-duel!

Yu-Gi-Oh S1E3-1
Fuck Yugi, this is the Jo-Ey-Oh! show

Synopsis

Journey to the Duelist Kingdom
Yugi must travel to the Duelist Kingdom to rescue Solomon, and he is joined by his friends Téa, Tristan and Joey, who wants to save his ill sister.

Best Bits

“You’re either a champ or a chump. Cut this guy loose, he’s clearly fashion-challenged and deserves to be crushed in the games.”

“With these new magic cards, combined with your monsters, you’ll have a real strong dick.”

“Here, add this to your dick. It can be helpful in a tight spot.”

Mai: “OK, time to cut the cards.”
Rex: “Playing with your dick, huh?”

 

Monster’s Sighted:

  • Exodia, briefly, as he sails over the ship’s railings (2/3)

Recap

We find out in this episode that Joey has a younger sister, Serenity, who sends him a videotape of her conveniently explaining how they haven’t seen each other for 6 years and she was dragged off somewhere to live with their Mom. Serenity felt compelled to send this video tape over to her brother because her death is apparently impending and she just wanted something fun for Joey to remember her by.

S1.4.1
Yeah, I know. I hate it when my family contacts me, too

Meanwhile Yugi has received an invite to Pegasus’ Duelling Kingdom on some island and Joey just happens to comment that’s where Yugi’s Grandpa is being held. Now… I distinctly remember the lifeless husk of Grandpa’s soulless body toppling over on the floor last episode, so I’m kind of concerned at this point what these teenage children have done with the husk. Do they know he still needs feeding and watering? Even without a soul?

Tristan is the only one having a hard time believing any of this… until he sees part of the invite specifying the winner could walk away with £3 mil. Despite not having his own invite to this competition Joey can’t help thinking about his sister’s medical bills and just keeps repeating the phrase ‘three million’ over and over again.

S1.4.12
Tristan wonders how quickly he can jump from the 4th floor

During a flashback we get to see how Yugi and Joey even met, which started when Grandpa dared Yugi to solve this random, Egyptian puzzle because ‘yolo, let’s sacrifice the grandkids’. Yugi made a wish for some real friends because, quite frankly, he was probably fed up of Grandpa trying to sacrifice him to the god’s and up turned Joey and Tristan. Although… their version of friendship appears to be somewhat warped and Joe insists they were only bullying Yugi in order to toughen him up for when the real bullies showed up. Apparently they did too good of a job because Yugi almost gets his face smashed in defending them from a bully who is about 10 foot tall and should definitely be serving time in prison rather than finishing high school. Yugi tries to balance all the shit Joey and Tristan dealt to him by reminding Joey if he hadn’t found the last, missing piece of the millennium puzzle Yugi would never have been able to solve it! Despite the fact Joey is the one who threw this puzzle piece out of a 3rd floor window in the first place…  Just thought I’d give you the opportunity to contemplate this friendship thing too, it took up like half of the episode.

S1.4.3
Security is very excited to see you

At some bizarre night hour all of the contestants, who from the panning shot all look overweight and lacking in vitamin D, are welcomed on board a giant ship and warned they better not be shit or they’ll be going home. Yugi is surprised to see Joey trying to sneak onto the ship for some reason – I mean… the boy literally told Yugi they would be doing this together during their bonding time on the roof – and gives up one of his own starting star chips in order to get his friend on board. Meanwhile Tristan and Tea are sneaking on as cargo. These kids must not have parents; at least Yugi’s Grandpa has no soul and doesn’t give a shit, what’s everyone else’s excuse?

Joey loudly announces on board the ship that now they only have one star chip each they are pretty much sitting ducks for the rest of the competitors. After over hearing their conversation a woman turns up and both Yugi and Joey lose their tiny minds like they have never seen a pair of boobs before. Rightly, in my opinion, she calls Joey out on his bullshit and introduces herself as Mai before walking off. Weirder still is the fact Tea and Tristan are sneaking around on board and following Yugi and Joey like some weird stalkers.

Never mind his friends are technically cargo right now, Joey is complaining about the shoddy accommodation and the fact everyone is sleeping on the floors. Except the finalists from the regional championships who get private rooms… ya know, like Weevil, who has just shown up with Rex so Yugi can be starstruck and Joey can brag about how great he is despite the fact I have never seen him play or win a single duel.

It’s at this point I realise how incredibly annoying and screechy Weevil’s voice is as I, unfortunately, have to listen to him join the long line of people who are impressed by how Yugi beat Kaiba. Poor Kaiba. The last we saw of him his brain was still melting out of his ears.

S1.4.4
Evil Motherfucker-ing 101: Tip your glasses any chance you get

Paying no attention to Weevil’s sinister undertones and weird tip of his glasses, Yugi continues to be super friendly and polite and worries he may be taking part in cheating when Weevil tries to give him the vaguest tip about duels on the island. Pro tip: you might need more strategy.

Wow, buddy. Thanks. Maybe go and tell that to Joey.

Weevil continues to cast a very discerning eye over the other competitors and is amused to see the commoners still trading cards at this late in the game. Fuck their happy faces and relaxed boat journey, he’s gonna retire to his rooms and probably screech at his own reflection in the mirror some more.

Meanwhile Mai is complaining about the lack of showers in the commoner quarters but never fear! Rex walks by just in time to offer her the shower in his luxury room. I’m sure that has no connotations attached to it whatsoever… And up on deck it’s a good job we still have Tea and Tristan sneaking around and spying on people, otherwise how would we have ever known that ‘Bakura from school’ is on the ship too, unbeknownst to anyone who isn’t a stalker.

S1.4.5
“Look, I’ve been stalking him for years, I know Bakura from 30 feet away when I see him.”

Joey has been trading hard but still needs some extra help from Yugi who happily hands over Time Wizard. Better believe we’ll be seeing that guy again soon…

Still completely naive to life Yugi hands his rare cards over to Weevil to examine, when the little bug-eyed psycho turns up on deck and starts harping on about how great his win against Kaiba was. I mean… I don’t remember Yugi and Kaiba’s duel being televised or anything but everyone sure as shit seems to know exactly what went down there.

S1.4.6
Don’t listen to them, Yugi! Blissful ignorance looks so good on you!

Yugi happily hands over the entire Exodia set to which Weevil confesses he has been trying to come up with some way to combat the most powerful cards in existence since hearing about them. Inspiration strikes, however, and Weevil’s strategy is to just throw the damn things overboard. Joey shortly follows them on some misguided idea that if he drowns in the sea trying to save cards then he will be able to save Serenity too. He only manages to retrieve two cards before Yugi is forced to jump in after him to save his ass. I don’t know, I’d say not drowning would be a better approach to helping your sister…

Luckily Tristan and Tea were stalking out on deck and were at hand to haul them both back onto the ship. The guards sure are conveniently missing at this point. Joey coughs up half the sea and the truth about his sister on deck.

She’s not dying. She’s just going blind. She wasn’t even wearing glasses in that videotape she sent over, she might find that improves things a little… Anyway, there is an operation to save her eyesight but I presume it’s probably around £3 mil or so. Seeing as Yugi only cares about his Grandpa’s soul and Joey only cares about cold hard cash I can only guess that money is coming to Joey either way.

Yugi sure is a good friend to have around, these days…

No duels in this episode and only some terrible back story about Serenity’s need for a pair of glasses. I’m sure Weevil could show her a few more tips.

Hopefully see you and Grandad’s soul next episode, folks!

Midnight Murderer

Me, entering the bedroom whilst Kieran is trying to sleep and loudly dropping shit everywhere, including on Kieran, before he even wakes up

Me – “It’s amazing how close a killer could get to you before… Well, you’d just be dead. Is everywhere locked up?”

Kieran – “Yes and I’ve already brushed my teeth.”

Me – “OK…. I’m sure your murderer will really appreciate that.”

Taken from http://www.toonbarn.com/yu-gi-oh/

Yu-Gi-Oh! – S1 E2

If you have found yourself here and are wondering why everyone keeps talking about dicks, take a travel back to Yu-Gi-Oh! – S1 E1 (which has been beefed up a little). You will find the rules there (there are none) so with that being said…

It’s time to d-d-d-d-d-duel!

YuGi-S1E2-1
I had crazy hair in the 90’s too

Synopsis

The Gauntlet Is Thrown
When Maximillion Pegasus, the creator of Duel Monsters, triumphs over Yugi in a game of real magic, he claims the soul of Yugi’s grandfather, Solomon.

Best Bits

Joey: “I can’t play Duel Monsters to save my life. What is it, Yugi? Why can’t I ever win? Teach me what I’m doing wrong.”
Yugi: “Well, let’s start by checking your dick, Joey.”

“With no magic in your dick your monsters will get creamed every time.”

“It’s got to have something to do with that weird eye of his…”

 

Monster’s Sighted:

  • Dark Magician (2/2)
  • Celtic Guardian (1/2)
  • Summoned Skull (1/2)

 

Recap

So, as it turns out, through many gruelling dinner breaks playing Duel Monsters at school, everyone now realises Joey fucking sucks at this game.

Yu-Gi-Oh S1E2-1
Ahhhh, I remember that expression fondly from when my own dreams were crushed

Begging Yugi for help only results in the crushing realisation that he can’t even put his own deck together properly. Yugi thinks his Grandad might be able to help but even he has his reservations about training the boy – maybe he doesn’t think he has that many good years left in him – but agrees to help as long as Joey puts in long ass days and sleepless nights. Sounds too much like work…

Instead of all that, we all sit around and watch the Regional Championship Finals on TV:
Weevil Underwood the Bug Guy vs Rex Raptor the Dino Guy

Viewing is interrupted for everyone to point out how useless Joey is and for Grandad to bring in a package for Yugi. It was sent from Industrial Illusions which, as we find out, is the company responsible for making the Duel Monsters cards.

Just pulling at straws and reminding everyone how cool he is, Yugi points out it might be because he beat Kaiba, the world champ, and even forced the guy to drop out of the tournament because of him. No one wants to hear Yugi’s shit so they carry on watching the Finals and see Weevil trash Rex to win the Regional’s.

Presenting Weevil’s trophy is the one, the only, creator of Duel Monsters and president of Industrial Illusions… Maximillion Pegasus!

Yu-Gi-Oh S1E2-4
Severe edges and low camera angles are kinda my thing

You’ll remember this guy as the evil looking bastard at the end of Ep1. He kindly invites Weevil to a bold new tournament he will be hosting at Duellist Kingdom with the ulterior motive of drawing in all of the duellists who hold the Millennium items he is looking to steal.

Back at the shop Yugi has finally opened the package but is rightly put off by its contents.

Yu-Gi-Oh S1E2-5
The kind of care package your crazy stalker sends over once a month

Deciding not to wear that glove or very easily lose those tiny, flimsy stars Yugi decides to just play the tape instead. What ensues is a bizarre, magical recording of Pegasus who pulls Yugi into a duel with a strict 15 minute time constraint in the ‘Shadow Realm’ while everyone else is frozen out. Oh, yeah, and Pegasus can apparently read minds.

We get a delightful history lesson where Pegasus admits he didn’t invent this game and if the pharaohs who played this game, in different dimensions with real monsters and real magic and almost destroyed the whole world, ever found out he would be done for serious intellectual property fraud. Luckily, one pharaoh locked the magic of the game away and shoved all that energy into 7 different items, one of which is hanging around Yugi’s neck and another is shoved in Pegasus’ eye. Unfortunate.

With some dirty ass tricks Pegasus wins the match, reveals he has a Millennium eye (despite flashing this thing at Yugi already, he needed it spelling out for him) and, in order to ensure Yugi turns up at Duellist Kingdom, he takes his Grandfather’s soul for good measure.

Yu-Gi-Oh S1E2-6
Don’t go into the light!

The episode ends with Yugi shouting at the TV, all his friends looking at him in confusion and no one paying attention to the empty, husk of a Grandad lying on the floor behind them.

See you and Grandad’s soul next episode, folks!

Mystic Mouse

Myself and CW1 pretending to hold a seance with the computer mouse:

Me: “Is there anyone there?”

CW1: “Move down for yes and up for no.”

Mouse moves down for yes.

Me: “I’m not moving it, I swear.”

CW1: “Are you having a good day?”

Mouse moves up for no.

CW1: “Do you want to leave here?”

We both slam the mouse down so hard it flies off the edge of the desk and takes my water bottle with it.

Me: “Well shit.”

CW1: “Think we might be done here.”

 

Taken from http://www.toonbarn.com/yu-gi-oh/

Yu-Gi-Oh! – S1 E1

My new favourite pass time is to work my way through Yu-Gi-Oh! on Netflix and every time someone uses the word ‘deck’ I replace it with ‘dick’.

I watched these when I was a kid but man, am I enjoying watching these far more now.

We will be doing an awful version of a series review, mostly just sharing our favourite re-imagined lines here, as well as anything else which makes us laugh.

Me and Kieran also have a running bet with the world in general that the card ‘Dark Magician’ will make an appearance in every one of Yugi’s battles. I will also be listing some other common cards as and when we see them.

So, it’s time to d-d-d-d-d-duel! (With penises)

Yu-Gi-Oh S1E1
Grandpa please, I don’t wanna touch your deck

Synopsis

The Heart of the Cards
High schooler Yugi Moto and his friends become embroiled in a deadly match of Duel Monsters when champion Seto Kaiba kidnaps Yugi’s grandfather.

Best Bits

“I trust in my Grandfather’s dick.”

“The dick senses my doubt…”

Grandad: “Blue Eyes White Dragon! So rare, so powerful, I never let it leave my hands!”
Me: “Literally was not in his hand two seconds ago.”

Monster’s Sighted:

  • Dark Magician (1/1)
  • Blue Eyes White Dragon x3 (1/1)
  • Exodia (1/1)
  • Gaia the Fierce Knight (1/1)

Recap

We forgot that this show gives the back story as to Yugi’s magical powers predominantly in the opening credits, so just know that everyone is cool seeing the little guy walking around with this hulking Millennium Puzzle necklace on all the time and sometimes randomly shouting “Yu-Gi-Oh!” when he starts duelling.
They’re also cool with the extra highlights in his hair and extra deep voice he gets too when he happily hands over all bodily control to a Pharoah from ancient Egypt trapped in the Millennium puzzle.
So Yugi is telling everyone at school about the game shop his Grandad conveniently owns and that sometimes he has rare cards.

YuGi-S1E1-2
Grandad’s shop has a strict ‘don’t touch my rare fucking cards’ policy

Kaiba, who is not only some duelling champ but also owns his own giant corporation, shows up at the shop asking to see some rare cards. Yugi’s Grandad shows him his Blue Eyes White Dragon – which is not a euphemism for anything – but won’t sell it because his very heart and soul is intertwined with this card. Not to mention only 4 exist in the entire world.

Obviously Kaiba is like ‘Bruh… what’s wrong with my money?’ and forces poor Grandad to go and duel with him at his offices. He is, however, nice enough to call Yugi at the shop to explain his Grandad is having a heart attack in the office foyer so he should probably come and pick him up right away.

Rushing over there with his friends we find out Kaiba bossed Grandad and took his Blue Eyes White Dragon from him. In a bizarre and clearly unthought out twist of events Kaiba rips up the card so it can never be used against him.

Now…. this would make more sense if a) in the upcoming duel against Yugi… he didn’t summon 3 Blue Eyes White Dragons and so just ruined the chances of owning all 4 in existence and b) if at this point he actually believed in this ‘heart of the cards’ bullshit people keep harping on about.

Anyway, Yugi’s friends Tristan and Téa (UK version names) take Grandad off to the hospital whilst Joey stays to cheer Yugi on while he transforms into Yami Yugi (who is a 5000 year old Egyptian Pharaoh who clearly liked to gamble) and duels Kaiba in a state of the art arena where the monsters appear to come to life. I’m not… entirely sure what they’re duelling for at this point because Grandad’s favourite card is loooooong gone, but either way Yami Yugi manages to summon Exodia and wipe out Kaiba’s entire hand.

YuGi-S1E1-3
Fancy seeing you here with all of your limbs

Let it be known that Grandad strictly said, earlier, no one had ever managed to summon Exodia due to the fact you need to put 5 cards together – for his limbs and head – in order to do so, but the heart of the cards and all that…

Yami Yugi, being all powerful and magical and shit, hits Kaiba with some powerful life lessons that basically give the poor man a breakdown, all whilst Kaiba’s younger brother is watching and wondering why is brother’s brain is leaking out of his ears.

Everything is cool, Grandad doesn’t die and we meet the mysterious man who has a brass button instead of an eye and a specific interest in Yugi.

YuGi-S1E1-4
This doesn’t impair my vision at all

See you next episode, folks!