Category Archives: Verbal

Two Words. Rhyme with… Serial Killer.

CW2 – “Why isn’t Hayley playing charades with us?”

Me – “I’m good thanks, I’d rather listen to this podcast about police finding about 9 dismembered torsos in some marshland.”

 

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SMART

Kieran – “The new smart meter is here! Do you want me to show you how you use it because it’s different from the old one?”

Me – “No, not really. I’m never gonna use it.”

Kieran – “So, now we can set it to tell us when…”

Me – “Oh… OK… You’re going for it anyway.”

Midnight Murderer

Me, entering the bedroom whilst Kieran is trying to sleep and loudly dropping shit everywhere, including on Kieran, before he even wakes up

Me – “It’s amazing how close a killer could get to you before… Well, you’d just be dead. Is everywhere locked up?”

Kieran – “Yes and I’ve already brushed my teeth.”

Me – “OK…. I’m sure your murderer will really appreciate that.”

Mystic Mouse

Myself and CW1 pretending to hold a seance with the computer mouse:

Me: “Is there anyone there?”

CW1: “Move down for yes and up for no.”

Mouse moves down for yes.

Me: “I’m not moving it, I swear.”

CW1: “Are you having a good day?”

Mouse moves up for no.

CW1: “Do you want to leave here?”

We both slam the mouse down so hard it flies off the edge of the desk and takes my water bottle with it.

Me: “Well shit.”

CW1: “Think we might be done here.”

 

Plans

Kieran – “So what are we doing for the rest of the evening, Moose?”

Me – “Figuring out a way for me to get out of going to work.”

Kieran – “Erm… I could say that you’re sick?”

Me – “I was thinking more long term.”

Kieran – “Break a leg?”

Me – “I’m really looking to never go back.”

Kieran – “Death?”

Me – “…. Yeah, alright then.”

Apples & Pears

Mom – “I bought Matt some canisters to store his tea and coffee in and they range in size. So the biggest one has apples on it and that’s where his tea goes. Then the next is pears and that’s where his coffee goes.”

Me – “You already have this planned out for him, I see…”

Matt – “Apples for your tea, pears for your coffee; that’s how the old saying goes isn’t it?”

Mother’s Love

Mom – “Oh my god! I think I’ve just bit my tongue off!”

Mom commences to show us all her now bleeding tongue.

Chartlotte 2.0 – “Eurgh!”

Matt – “Oh, that’s bad…”

Me – “Well, you’ve bitten your tongue. You haven’t bitten it off.”

Mom – “Owwwwwww.”

Me – “How old are you?”

Mom – “…..”

Me – “Don’t give me that look, you’re the one who still hasn’t learnt the layout of your mouth yet.”

Mom, looking to Matt for sympathy – “But look at it!”

Matt – “Well, you’re never gonna get a man like that, are ya?”

Me – “Not if you go everywhere tongue first.”

Mom – “I fucking hate my kids.”

 

 

Views

CW1 – “Open the blinds, CW4! Let’s get some light in here!”

CW4 – “True, the sun isn’t out so there shouldn’t be any glare.”

 

CW4 opens the blinds

 

CW2 – “My god….”

CW3 – “The lack of colour out there is impressive…”

Me – “It’s like we’re experiencing a flash back and the scenes are all muted down.”

CW2 – “Close the blinds, this is depressing!”

CW1 – “Wait!”

CW2 – “I can’t wait until we’re told to take it down because it’s a fire hazard or something.”

Me – “The giant ball of fire would never turn on us. Look how happy he is to see us.”