Category Archives: Inner Circle

Mother’s Love

Mom – “Oh my god! I think I’ve just bit my tongue off!”

Mom commences to show us all her now bleeding tongue.

Chartlotte 2.0 – “Eurgh!”

Matt – “Oh, that’s bad…”

Me – “Well, you’ve bitten your tongue. You haven’t bitten it off.”

Mom – “Owwwwwww.”

Me – “How old are you?”

Mom – “…..”

Me – “Don’t give me that look, you’re the one who still hasn’t learnt the layout of your mouth yet.”

Mom, looking to Matt for sympathy – “But look at it!”

Matt – “Well, you’re never gonna get a man like that, are ya?”

Me – “Not if you go everywhere tongue first.”

Mom – “I fucking hate my kids.”




The Less You Know, The Better

Me: “Why are you carrying the toilet brush around with you?”

Kieran: “I needed it.”

Me: “… Yeah, OK.”



Kieran: “So what’s going in the pasta then?”

Me: “Mushrooms, peppers, broccoli, onion and garlic.”

Kieran: “Mmmmm sounds dee. Proper dee.”

Me: “If we have kids can you not speak like that?”

Kieran: “Why?”

Me: “Because I don’t want them speaking like utter bellends.”



It’s the thought that counts.

I thought about it and I couldn’t be bothered.”

Uncle Phil – on Christmas



Tough Day at Work

Mom – “Eurgh, I forgot to tell you yesterday what happened at work. This woman came in….”

Me – “Well, this already sounds like the beginning of a shit day.”


To Shop or Not To Die

Me – “We’re going shopping next week!”

Mom – “Oh! That reminds me I need to cancel my bowel screening.”

Me – “….. Are you cancelling a bowel screening to go shopping?”

Mom – “……….”

Me – “The fuck is wrong with you? I mean…. at least make my day and tell them that’s the reason when you cancel it.”

Mom – “No, I’m gonna tell them there’s been a death in the family.”

Me – “Why has someone got to die!? Why do you immediately go so dramatic!? Just say you’re at work that day!”

Mom – “Well mine sounds more believable.”

Me – “More believable than having a job!? And when you say ‘Oh, yeah, but can I rearrange for next week?’ they’ll be like ‘Oh…. Wasn’t a close relative then?’

Mom – “Well I’ll just say it’s the funeral instead, then.”

Me – “Just say you gotta work man! Why has someone got to die so you can go shopping!?”



Kieran: “So, the house survey is done and they’ve found that it’s built on a…”

Me: “Indian burial ground!”

Kieran: “…. No. A coal reserve.”

Me: “Fucks sake. The Black Country is so boring.”



Mom, sitting in the dining room – “Come on anyway, let’s go sit in the more comfortable room.”

Me – “Is… is that what we’re calling the living room now?”


My What Big Teeth You Have…

Nan, cackling to herself in the dining room.

Me, getting a drink – “You alright in here?”

Nan – “Ahhhh don’t worry, I won’t hurt you after dark.

Me – “Oh, well, that’s great Nan, but it’s two in the afternoon.”