Category Archives: Inner Circle

Sabotage

Mom – “Don’t forget to put that stew in the fridge.”

Me – “Does it need to go in the fridge? I’m heating it up again tomorrow.”

Mom – “Yes! It’s got meat and veg in it! You’ll give yourself food poisoning!”

Me – “….”

Mom – “No. Don’t even think about giving yourself food poisoning to get out of work. I saw that face… It’s the kind of face I’d pull when I’m thinking….”

Together – “Is it worth it?”

Graveyard

Me – “Mom….?”

Mom – “Yes?”

Me, pulling out a drawer full of hairdryers – “What is this?”

Mom – “It’s where I keep the hairdryers. No one uses them now.”

Me – “It’s like you’re running some kind of hairdryer retirement village right here from the dresser…. We’ll just forget about them until they don’t work anymore.”

Mom – “Just like in real life, then.”

Me – “….”

Nan-isms

On the Jungle Book remake:

We’re not watching that again, I know all the lines. I’m the stand-in in case anything goes wrong.

On the film Titanic:

I’ve seen that bloody film so often I know the time on the Captain’s watch.

On a TV series on Netflix:

Emma: We watched this before but I don’t remember what happens in it…

Nan: I do.

 On me leaving the house:

Me: Right, I’m going now. I’ll pop down again soon.

Nan: Is that a promise or a threat?

Never Alone

Me, checking Friday night plans – “Is it just me tomorrow until you get back from work? Please tell me it is.”

Mom – “No, Matt and Charlotte will be in but they’re going out.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “So they’ll be here but not here.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “You know what I mean!”

Me – “I do. I just think there are better ways to go about it.”

There’s Water In My Rust

CW6 – “Does anyone else think the water tastes of metal?”

Me – “Yeah.”

CW6 – “What, have you still been drinking it?”

Me – “Yeah, I’ve drank water that tasted like metal before. I haven’t died yet. It’s probably fine.”

CW6 – “What!?”

Me – “You’ve clearly never been to Bilston…”

CW0 – “If you’re not happy with it maybe you should email the Office Manager?”

Me – “Sure. You can send ‘We don’t get paid enough to drink rust.'”

CW0 – “Sounds good to me.”

 

Always Take the Weather With You

Nan – “Well the other day when I watched the weather it said Tuesday would be sunny. But now it’s just said it’s going to be cloudy with some rain. I’m going to wait for ‘Countryfile’ and see what they say.”

Me – “Do you particularly trust the ‘Countryfile’ weather forecast?”

Nan – “Oh yes. I’m much more likely to believe what they say about Tuesday.”

Me – “What’s happening Tuesday?”

Nan – “Nothing.”

Me – “…… Then what are you so bothered about the weather for?!”

Auntie Jan – *Shrugging*

Who’s Who

Please note: when Mom says ‘Gary Oldman’ she pronounces this as ‘Gary Old Man’

Me and Kieran entered the living room halfway through a film she was watching

Kieran – “Oh, it’s got Kevin Costner in it.”

Mom – “It’s also got whatshername in it… Him! Tommy Lee Jones!”

Me – “Whatshername… Tommy Lee Jones….”

Mom – “And it’s got that man who played the Oldman vampire.”

Kieran – “Gary Oldman?”

Mom – “Yeah!”

Me – “Mom… do you think Gary Oldman is an actual vampire? And the film ‘Dracula’ was just a bizarre documentary of his life?”

Mom – And it’s got Ryan…”

Me and Kieran – “Gosling?”

Mom – “No, the one that was married to Scarlett Johnson.”

Me – “Oh dear Christ…”

Kieran – “Oh look, there’s Gary Oldman the vampire!”

Me – “Bit brave, meeting everyone on the beach…”

Invite Your Elders

Note: My brother’s birthday is Thursday. He wants a Sunday dinner for his tea.

His Nan is very old and gets confused easily.

Matt – “I’ve invited Nan for Sunday dinner.”

Mom – “Sunday dinner, Matt?”

Me – “…. Did you tell your Nan Sunday dinner?”

Matt – “Yeah, that’s what it is. … On a Thursday… No I’m sure she understood I said it was for my birthday. … But she did think my birthday was on Wednesday… Oh God, I need to go and phone her back.”