Category Archives: Inner Circle

Plans

Kieran – “So what are we doing for the rest of the evening, Moose?”

Me – “Figuring out a way for me to get out of going to work.”

Kieran – “Erm… I could say that you’re sick?”

Me – “I was thinking more long term.”

Kieran – “Break a leg?”

Me – “I’m really looking to never go back.”

Kieran – “Death?”

Me – “…. Yeah, alright then.”

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Apples & Pears

Mom – “I bought Matt some canisters to store his tea and coffee in and they range in size. So the biggest one has apples on it and that’s where his tea goes. Then the next is pears and that’s where his coffee goes.”

Me – “You already have this planned out for him, I see…”

Matt – “Apples for your tea, pears for your coffee; that’s how the old saying goes isn’t it?”

Mother’s Love

Mom – “Oh my god! I think I’ve just bit my tongue off!”

Mom commences to show us all her now bleeding tongue.

Chartlotte 2.0 – “Eurgh!”

Matt – “Oh, that’s bad…”

Me – “Well, you’ve bitten your tongue. You haven’t bitten it off.”

Mom – “Owwwwwww.”

Me – “How old are you?”

Mom – “…..”

Me – “Don’t give me that look, you’re the one who still hasn’t learnt the layout of your mouth yet.”

Mom, looking to Matt for sympathy – “But look at it!”

Matt – “Well, you’re never gonna get a man like that, are ya?”

Me – “Not if you go everywhere tongue first.”

Mom – “I fucking hate my kids.”

 

 

To Shop or Not To Die

Me – “We’re going shopping next week!”

Mom – “Oh! That reminds me I need to cancel my bowel screening.”

Me – “….. Are you cancelling a bowel screening to go shopping?”

Mom – “……….”

Me – “The fuck is wrong with you? I mean…. at least make my day and tell them that’s the reason when you cancel it.”

Mom – “No, I’m gonna tell them there’s been a death in the family.”

Me – “Why has someone got to die!? Why do you immediately go so dramatic!? Just say you’re at work that day!”

Mom – “Well mine sounds more believable.”

Me – “More believable than having a job!? And when you say ‘Oh, yeah, but can I rearrange for next week?’ they’ll be like ‘Oh…. Wasn’t a close relative then?’

Mom – “Well I’ll just say it’s the funeral instead, then.”

Me – “Just say you gotta work man! Why has someone got to die so you can go shopping!?”