Category Archives: Inner Circle

SMART

Kieran – “The new smart meter is here! Do you want me to show you how you use it because it’s different from the old one?”

Me – “No, not really. I’m never gonna use it.”

Kieran – “So, now we can set it to tell us when…”

Me – “Oh… OK… You’re going for it anyway.”

Advertisements

Midnight Murderer

Me, entering the bedroom whilst Kieran is trying to sleep and loudly dropping shit everywhere, including on Kieran, before he even wakes up

Me – “It’s amazing how close a killer could get to you before… Well, you’d just be dead. Is everywhere locked up?”

Kieran – “Yes and I’ve already brushed my teeth.”

Me – “OK…. I’m sure your murderer will really appreciate that.”

Plans

Kieran – “So what are we doing for the rest of the evening, Moose?”

Me – “Figuring out a way for me to get out of going to work.”

Kieran – “Erm… I could say that you’re sick?”

Me – “I was thinking more long term.”

Kieran – “Break a leg?”

Me – “I’m really looking to never go back.”

Kieran – “Death?”

Me – “…. Yeah, alright then.”

Apples & Pears

Mom – “I bought Matt some canisters to store his tea and coffee in and they range in size. So the biggest one has apples on it and that’s where his tea goes. Then the next is pears and that’s where his coffee goes.”

Me – “You already have this planned out for him, I see…”

Matt – “Apples for your tea, pears for your coffee; that’s how the old saying goes isn’t it?”

Mother’s Love

Mom – “Oh my god! I think I’ve just bit my tongue off!”

Mom commences to show us all her now bleeding tongue.

Chartlotte 2.0 – “Eurgh!”

Matt – “Oh, that’s bad…”

Me – “Well, you’ve bitten your tongue. You haven’t bitten it off.”

Mom – “Owwwwwww.”

Me – “How old are you?”

Mom – “…..”

Me – “Don’t give me that look, you’re the one who still hasn’t learnt the layout of your mouth yet.”

Mom, looking to Matt for sympathy – “But look at it!”

Matt – “Well, you’re never gonna get a man like that, are ya?”

Me – “Not if you go everywhere tongue first.”

Mom – “I fucking hate my kids.”