Tag Archives: Humour

Mother’s Love

Mom – “Oh my god! I think I’ve just bit my tongue off!”

Mom commences to show us all her now bleeding tongue.

Chartlotte 2.0 – “Eurgh!”

Matt – “Oh, that’s bad…”

Me – “Well, you’ve bitten your tongue. You haven’t bitten it off.”

Mom – “Owwwwwww.”

Me – “How old are you?”

Mom – “…..”

Me – “Don’t give me that look, you’re the one who still hasn’t learnt the layout of your mouth yet.”

Mom, looking to Matt for sympathy – “But look at it!”

Matt – “Well, you’re never gonna get a man like that, are ya?”

Me – “Not if you go everywhere tongue first.”

Mom – “I fucking hate my kids.”





CW1 – “Open the blinds, CW4! Let’s get some light in here!”

CW4 – “True, the sun isn’t out so there shouldn’t be any glare.”


CW4 opens the blinds


CW2 – “My god….”

CW3 – “The lack of colour out there is impressive…”

Me – “It’s like we’re experiencing a flash back and the scenes are all muted down.”

CW2 – “Close the blinds, this is depressing!”

CW1 – “Wait!”

CW2 – “I can’t wait until we’re told to take it down because it’s a fire hazard or something.”

Me – “The giant ball of fire would never turn on us. Look how happy he is to see us.”



Our company made us travel down to London to take part in some awful training session where they collected 80 people in one tiny apartment (called an anomalous space because… London) and ultimately tried to nicely shoehorn everyone into one of four personality categories.

After reading some random statements and scoring them 1-4 based on how accurate they were about ourselves we put our scores into a turn of the century excel doc and out popped our answers. You were either a Thinker, Mover, Connector or Planner.

Either way this has absolutely no bearing on our lives other than to perhaps help the company understand in how many ways people could really despise their jobs and ultimately never feel any type of joy.

CW3: “I can’t be bothered with these calls…. that’s because I’m a ‘Mover’.”

CW1: “Fucking Mover… CW4, what were you? I bet you were a Connector.”

CW4: “Actually I was a Planner, but I think the spreadsheet was broke.”

CW2: “Yeah, my team was getting really angry about their results.”

CW1: “Wow…. Hayley, what were you? I bet you were a Thinker.”

Me: “Yep, and I can’t help thinking you are all absolute pricks.”

CW4: “HA! I like it, that was quick.”

Me: “I got nothing but thinking time.”


Cleanliness Is Next To The Onions On The Floor

Me, cooking – “Ah, shit, Mother, I just dropped some of your chopped onions on the floor.”

Mom – “Well can you stop because I don’t hoover!”

Me – “….”


The Less You Know, The Better

Me: “Why are you carrying the toilet brush around with you?”

Kieran: “I needed it.”

Me: “… Yeah, OK.”



This genuine movie category on Now TV, where I presume an employee is fascinated with Bruce Willis and, failing approval to have a whole category dedicated to him alone, used this work around, throwing a few other bald men into the mix to cover their real motives:

Good going, Now TV employee!



Group Skype Conversation

CW4: “I like the fact even they know they’re cackling.”

CW5, working from home: “Who is cackling?”

CW1: “Bank behind us. Ugh.”

CW3: “I mean…. Siv did say a funny and made them laugh.”

Me: “They’re the reason the computer sometimes tells me if I turn my music up any louder I might do irreversible damage.”


Small Talk

Skype Conversation 1 – man turns up at the office on the bank of desks behind ours, starts talking very loudly about the weather

Me – “His voice is grating on me.”

CW1: “Yeah, he’s way too happy.”

Me – “Oh, maybe that’s the part I’m responding to. It’s his happiness that is grating on me.”


Skype Conversation 2 – our entire team

CW4 – “That’s a COO that’s behind us, by the way. No swearing and don’t call him a wanker.”

Me – “Too late.”


Offensive Friendships


CW5: “I don’t know whether this message I want to send will offend anyone in the Whatsapp group.”

CW1: “What message?”

CW5: “Our friend has said there is a growing market for second-hand baby stuff and I’ve put ‘there is a growing market for second-hand babies, just ask Madonna’.”

Everyone: “Oooooohhhhhh…..”

CW3: “That’s good!”

CW1: “Of course you would think it’s good but I don’t know. Read your audience. If you know they won’t be offended then…”

CW5: “I think the others would get it but I don’t know about T.”

CW2: “If you’re having to question….”

CW3: “Is anyone in the group adopted?

CW5: “No.”

CW3: “Has anyone in the group adopted a child?”

CW5: “No.”

Me: “Is anyone in the group Madonna?”