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Never Alone

Me, checking Friday night plans – “Is it just me tomorrow until you get back from work? Please tell me it is.”

Mom – “No, Matt and Charlotte will be in but they’re going out.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “So they’ll be here but not here.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “You know what I mean!”

Me – “I do. I just think there are better ways to go about it.”

Who’s Who

Please note: when Mom says ‘Gary Oldman’ she pronounces this as ‘Gary Old Man’

Me and Kieran entered the living room halfway through a film she was watching

Kieran – “Oh, it’s got Kevin Costner in it.”

Mom – “It’s also got whatshername in it… Him! Tommy Lee Jones!”

Me – “Whatshername… Tommy Lee Jones….”

Mom – “And it’s got that man who played the Oldman vampire.”

Kieran – “Gary Oldman?”

Mom – “Yeah!”

Me – “Mom… do you think Gary Oldman is an actual vampire? And the film ‘Dracula’ was just a bizarre documentary of his life?”

Mom – And it’s got Ryan…”

Me and Kieran – “Gosling?”

Mom – “No, the one that was married to Scarlett Johnson.”

Me – “Oh dear Christ…”

Kieran – “Oh look, there’s Gary Oldman the vampire!”

Me – “Bit brave, meeting everyone on the beach…”

Invite Your Elders

Note: My brother’s birthday is Thursday. He wants a Sunday dinner for his tea.

His Nan is very old and gets confused easily.

Matt – “I’ve invited Nan for Sunday dinner.”

Mom – “Sunday dinner, Matt?”

Me – “…. Did you tell your Nan Sunday dinner?”

Matt – “Yeah, that’s what it is. … On a Thursday… No I’m sure she understood I said it was for my birthday. … But she did think my birthday was on Wednesday… Oh God, I need to go and phone her back.”


Third Time And All That

All I needed to do was walk into the dining room and walk back out again with my cardigan. Here are my attempts.

Attempt 1

Me, walking back into the living room with a bottle of wine – “Do you think it’s too early to open this?”

Attempt 2

Me, walking back into the living room with a chocolate bar – “Oops, the chocolate and caramel distracted me.”

Attempt 3

Me, walking back into the living room with linen fabric – “I really should have bought another metre of this one, I love it.”

Attempt 4

Me, walking back into the living room with my cardigan – “Turns out this was on the table because it still hasn’t been washed….. Do you know where my grey one is instead?”



Mom – “My order still hasn’t come! What do I do now?!”

Me – “Well like the woman said yesterday you need to get back to House of Fraser so they can deal with it.”

Mom – “Ooookkkaaaaayyyyy……”

Me – “…. Am I going to have to do this with you? Again?”

Mom – “No…. You’re just going to have to do it for me. I need to shower.”

Me – “No, you need to learn how to do this shit for yourself. What’s going to happen when I move out?”

Mom – “I’ll drive to your house and ask you to do it for me. And use your shower.”

Me – “What if I live over an hour away?”

Mom – “I’ll come the night before. And bring my own towel.”


Kieran – “Shall we go for a drink down the local pub?”

Me – “Yeah, sure! Or we can drink in the house and not get stabbed.”

This is not an overreaction on my part. The pub around the corner from my house (The Talisman) is cordoned off by police tape more often than it isn’t. May I also point out this pub is literally over the road from a children’s centre/primary school.

Early last year a drug raid was done on the place and, subsequently, a few weeks followed with dirty banners hung up outside the building with ‘Save our Tally’ scribbled on them.

Eventually the pub reopened, because apparently evening out the rocky patch of land they called the car park and having some parking spaces painted on the floor meant they were now upstanding citizens and definitely weren’t ever going to sell drugs on the premises again.

Or stab anyone. Or shoot anyone.

It’s amazing what a clearly outlined parking space can do for your mental well-being.

London is a Scottish America

Me, watching ‘London has Fallen‘ – “How does he seem to know where he’s going so well to protect the President? I wouldn’t know where the hell I was in London if my helicopter had just been blown out the sky… and he’s American!”

Mom – “He’s not American.”

Me – “…. Yes he is.”

Mom – “No he isn’t! Gerard Butler is Scottish!”

Me – “OH! So because Gerard Butler, the actor, is Scottish then every character he plays has a working knowledge of London… Which STILL makes no sense!”