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Mother’s Love

Mom – “Oh my god! I think I’ve just bit my tongue off!”

Mom commences to show us all her now bleeding tongue.

Chartlotte 2.0 – “Eurgh!”

Matt – “Oh, that’s bad…”

Me – “Well, you’ve bitten your tongue. You haven’t bitten it off.”

Mom – “Owwwwwww.”

Me – “How old are you?”

Mom – “…..”

Me – “Don’t give me that look, you’re the one who still hasn’t learnt the layout of your mouth yet.”

Mom, looking to Matt for sympathy – “But look at it!”

Matt – “Well, you’re never gonna get a man like that, are ya?”

Me – “Not if you go everywhere tongue first.”

Mom – “I fucking hate my kids.”




The Less You Know, The Better

Me: “Why are you carrying the toilet brush around with you?”

Kieran: “I needed it.”

Me: “… Yeah, OK.”


Tough Day at Work

Mom – “Eurgh, I forgot to tell you yesterday what happened at work. This woman came in….”

Me – “Well, this already sounds like the beginning of a shit day.”



Mom, sitting in the dining room – “Come on anyway, let’s go sit in the more comfortable room.”

Me – “Is… is that what we’re calling the living room now?”



Mom – “Don’t forget to put that stew in the fridge.”

Me – “Does it need to go in the fridge? I’m heating it up again tomorrow.”

Mom – “Yes! It’s got meat and veg in it! You’ll give yourself food poisoning!”

Me – “….”

Mom – “No. Don’t even think about giving yourself food poisoning to get out of work. I saw that face… It’s the kind of face I’d pull when I’m thinking….”

Together – “Is it worth it?”



Me – “Mom….?”

Mom – “Yes?”

Me, pulling out a drawer full of hairdryers – “What is this?”

Mom – “It’s where I keep the hairdryers. No one uses them now.”

Me – “It’s like you’re running some kind of hairdryer retirement village right here from the dresser…. We’ll just forget about them until they don’t work anymore.”

Mom – “Just like in real life, then.”

Me – “….”


No Wine, No Stay

Mom, calling upstairs – “Hayley!?”

Me – “What?!”

Mom – “Do you want a glass of wine?!”

Me – “No, ta!”

Sound of the front door opening and then closing.

Me – “…Did she just leave the house because I said I didn’t want wine?”


Never Alone

Me, checking Friday night plans – “Is it just me tomorrow until you get back from work? Please tell me it is.”

Mom – “No, Matt and Charlotte will be in but they’re going out.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “So they’ll be here but not here.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “You know what I mean!”

Me – “I do. I just think there are better ways to go about it.”


Sit-In-Plain-Sight and Seek

Mom, calling downstairs – “Hayley?”

Me – “Yeah?”

Mom – “Where are you?”

Me – “Well… I’m in the house…”