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Tough Day at Work

Mom – “Eurgh, I forgot to tell you yesterday what happened at work. This woman came in….”

Me – “Well, this already sounds like the beginning of a shit day.”

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Sabotage

Mom – “Don’t forget to put that stew in the fridge.”

Me – “Does it need to go in the fridge? I’m heating it up again tomorrow.”

Mom – “Yes! It’s got meat and veg in it! You’ll give yourself food poisoning!”

Me – “….”

Mom – “No. Don’t even think about giving yourself food poisoning to get out of work. I saw that face… It’s the kind of face I’d pull when I’m thinking….”

Together – “Is it worth it?”

Graveyard

Me – “Mom….?”

Mom – “Yes?”

Me, pulling out a drawer full of hairdryers – “What is this?”

Mom – “It’s where I keep the hairdryers. No one uses them now.”

Me – “It’s like you’re running some kind of hairdryer retirement village right here from the dresser…. We’ll just forget about them until they don’t work anymore.”

Mom – “Just like in real life, then.”

Me – “….”

Never Alone

Me, checking Friday night plans – “Is it just me tomorrow until you get back from work? Please tell me it is.”

Mom – “No, Matt and Charlotte will be in but they’re going out.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “So they’ll be here but not here.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “You know what I mean!”

Me – “I do. I just think there are better ways to go about it.”

Who’s Who

Please note: when Mom says ‘Gary Oldman’ she pronounces this as ‘Gary Old Man’

Me and Kieran entered the living room halfway through a film she was watching

Kieran – “Oh, it’s got Kevin Costner in it.”

Mom – “It’s also got whatshername in it… Him! Tommy Lee Jones!”

Me – “Whatshername… Tommy Lee Jones….”

Mom – “And it’s got that man who played the Oldman vampire.”

Kieran – “Gary Oldman?”

Mom – “Yeah!”

Me – “Mom… do you think Gary Oldman is an actual vampire? And the film ‘Dracula’ was just a bizarre documentary of his life?”

Mom – And it’s got Ryan…”

Me and Kieran – “Gosling?”

Mom – “No, the one that was married to Scarlett Johnson.”

Me – “Oh dear Christ…”

Kieran – “Oh look, there’s Gary Oldman the vampire!”

Me – “Bit brave, meeting everyone on the beach…”

Invite Your Elders

Note: My brother’s birthday is Thursday. He wants a Sunday dinner for his tea.

His Nan is very old and gets confused easily.

Matt – “I’ve invited Nan for Sunday dinner.”

Mom – “Sunday dinner, Matt?”

Me – “…. Did you tell your Nan Sunday dinner?”

Matt – “Yeah, that’s what it is. … On a Thursday… No I’m sure she understood I said it was for my birthday. … But she did think my birthday was on Wednesday… Oh God, I need to go and phone her back.”