I accidentally started playing my recording of Killer in My Village instead of this Christmas film to begin with and god damn if I didn’t get distracted for at least 20 minutes before I realised what I was meant to be doing.
I’m alone! I have candles! I’m ready to predict that the people in this film will be enjoying good views! Or at least preparing to be bitterly disappointed. Let’s face it, it’s usually the latter with these things…. So let’s get started, shall we!
My…. God…. The irony that a film purporting great views should not start with a city skyline but a woman rolling out dough, instead! Although if you’re as hungry as I am you would definitely call this the better view. This one is apparently based on the book ‘The Maverick’s Christmas Homecoming’ so let’s see how good of a job they’ve done. As much as I adore reading, no book is going to show me this woman sifting icing sugar over a monumental gingerbread house in real time.
She does, however, get her standard mom face on when her daughter, Clara, turns up late because the roads were a mess which is why she told her to come early and avoid that. Clara also gets her standard daughter face on by complimenting her mother’s gingerbread carpentry and hoping her parent will really just love her for once in her life.
Our mother is being featured in ‘Seasons’ magazine for their Christmas edition, which explains the fuck off gingerbread house. When someone called Bonnie from work calls Clara, our dearest mother is once more disapproving as shit when her child has to go and miss out on baking Christmas cookies. There is some mention of a husband in the past tense, which is always promising for Christmas, and away her daughter flies.
I was actually a little terrified when some cooking programme came on with a terrible green-screen in kitchen and flames everywhere. I mean… the green screen wasn’t on fire or anything but the show is called ‘Can You Stand the Heat‘ so… take a wild guess what their logo looks like. The hostess introduces this final episode with the first contestant Mike Mahoney who comes on and just screams at everyone loudly in an effort to get them all pumped up but instead probably just has his agent calling the asylum they have on speed dial again.
Next is Charles Shaunassy (maybe) the tortured artist of cakes and pastry who drifts around the studio in silence before taking down his man bun in a glorious show of hair that is completely unhygienic for the kitchen. Finally we have the crowd’s favourite celebrity chef and batchelor Shane Rourke who even an adoring crowd of random kitchen staff watching from a restaurant love and cheer.
For some reason we kick Charles off first so he can get really pissed off about life before announcing Shane the winner and everyone cheers. Who should turn up but Clara, informing her staff to get back to work, as their manager. Apparently she used to have a restaurant in Chicago that was great and might as well just own this one too instead of letting people like Shane take all the glory on national TV.
Prediction #1 – Clara and Shane are going to end up as the power couple of the world
OK, no, this restaurant actually does have views through a fuck-off glass window. That’s not enough for one guy though who keeps clapping until Clara comes over so he can tell her that after eating half of his steak it wasn’t rare enough for him and he just isn’t in love with it. The guy sounds vaguely like Buffalo Bill from ‘The Silence of the Lambs‘ so that should tell you everything you need to know about the guy. His date seems to think the same as she promptly gets up and walks off, preferring to just stand outside and freeze her ass off while waiting for a cab than sit with this neanderthal for a second longer.
A car is pulling up to the restaurant/maybe resort late that evening whilst Clara and Bonnie are having a very important conversation in the lobby on their way out.
Bonnie: “Yeah, just a sec, I need to use the bathroom.”
Clara: “You just went to the bathroom.”
Bonnie: “Yeah, I gotta go again.”
Clara: “Have you been stealing cheese from the kitchen again?”
Bonnie: “So?”
Clara: “So you’re lactose intolerant!”
Me: “That is not the way I thought that conversation was about to go…”
Clara is waiting for her errant friend when the one and only Shane Rourke walks into the place and signs in at the desk. Clara is alarmed enough to drop her friends bag and the entire block of cheese she was hiding in there which she has to inform the man she is actually just holding for a friend. Like seriously. This woman also needs to stop wearing a necklace with her name on if she wants people to stop guessing her damn name. Start wearing one with random names on to throw them off.
Bonnie returns from the bathroom just in time to lose her shit over their new guest and is delighted to hear that the man handled her cheese already. Clara carts her friend out of the building before she can cause any more damage and to let Shane wonder around the lobby, smile at Christmas trees and look at an old Polaroid of two people decorating their own tree in peace. Probably a good idea because Bonnie is still losing her shit about Shane staying at the resort outside in the car park and looks to remain the same for the entire journey home.
I don’t like the fact it takes Clara three attempts to start the car…
Prediction #2 – at some point that car is breaking down and she will get stranded and maybe even have to stay at the resort herself
The next day some guy who looks alarmingly like the receptionist from the front desk is giving the entire kitchen staff a pep talk on how busy Christmas is likely to be this year. Thankfully this man has decided to hire Shane as the new head chef in order to help with the busy season and something about marketing opportunities…
Clara: “Hi, I’m Clara. We met last night.”
Shane: “Of course. Cheese Girl.”
Bonnie: “Actually, no! I’m Cheese Girl! No, that was my purse cheese… but who cares!? I’m Bonnie and you’re Shane!”
Me: “Well… at least he knows you’re liable to steal cheese from the kitchens now.”
This woman cannot stop telling people about her lactose intolerance and lets Shane wander away to meet the rest of his staff just long enough to get her crazy eyes on and tell Clara how much she can tell that she likes him. Bonnie already has some wonderfully insane plan to find out if the man likes her friend too which can only end in more cheese theft. Or a festive kitchen montage where everyone else seems to be doing work around Bonnie while she simply fights with a coffee machine.
At least she seems to get on well with the clients, by which I mean standing over them while they eat and talking about… jeans and skiing… Clara is pulled away just in time to deal with two middle-aged white women, both called Janice, both drunk and both really in love with wearing fur. Oh and both weirdly in love with Shane. Ignoring the fact the man is pretty busy they still demand on him coming out and saying hi to them.
Shane is happy to take the time to go and see the women which he informs Clara of by shouting at her over the counter from 2 feet away. I think this was meant to portray how noisy a working kitchen is but as the background noise wasn’t that loud it just suggested Shane may be very hard of hearing from all the times he’s had to listen to pots and pans being smashed together. Bonnie seems to think the man is incredibly smooth even though he is literally just standing there and talking to two women. She is very easily impressed it would seem.
Hugh Peters the maybe boss and possible receptionist of this resort asks to whisk Clara away again which leads to a strange conversation where Bonnie thought her bosses actual name was Peters and he went by Mr First Name. It’s probably best the woman just stays up in the mountain serving drinks…
Taking the opportunity while Clara is busy, Bonnie tells Shane all about her life when he brings her a drink.
Bonnie: “Well I bet you have a lot of lady fans, huh?”
Shane: “Yeah… I guess.”
Bonnie: “OK, I see where this is headed. I should probably tell you I have a boyfriend, just to be clear.”
Shane: “Oh…. OK, yeah…. thank you…”
Bonnie: “He’s a city planner. His name’s Clive. You know…. Bonnie and Clive like Bonnie and Clyde instead of Clyde it’s Clive?”
Me: “Cheese thief and a great conversationalist. Isn’t she just a catch.”
Thankfully Shane turns the conversation to Clara so he can hear how she had her own restaurant in Chicago for a few years but it didn’t quite work out and now she’s back and dreadfully alone and would definitely say yes to a boyfriend. Shane is very invested in this woman already and wants to know exactly why Clara is sitting across the other side of the restaurant and really enjoying a conversation with her boss which never happens.
Prediction #3 – Peters Peters probably is interested in his restaurant manager too
At the end of a long and perilous looking drive Shane pops out into some sort of house when there is a mental frame where everything zooms in suddenly and almost gave me vertigo. I’m still unsure where the hell he is but some woman comes to tell him all of the ornaments he is admiring on their tree are all unique and donated by the local artists for charity auction. This mystery woman is Jackie and her mystery husband is Frank and mystery Jackie knows people’s coffee order just by saying their name and looking at them.
I really don’t know what’s going on here other than these people at Mountain View… Inn?…. telling Shane that Clara is their favourite staff member over at the resort, she’s practically like a daughter to them and she used to work for them before disappearing to Chicago. Please tell me this man isn’t tracking down all of Clara’s acquaintances so he can better stalk her… He says he’s interested in more of the older, family run resorts in the area and their history but I’m hearing stalker.
Prediction #4 – Shane is going to save Mountain View resort because that other big one is taking up all the business and as basically this couple’s daughter they will happily pass it over to Shane and Clara to look after
I dread to think how much food might actually have got wasted for all of these kitchen scenes and everything looks very salad-y and slightly under cooked. Shane seems to be immediately infatuated with poor Clara and is still around once everyone else has gone home so he can cook dinner for the woman to say thanks for helping out. The man is meant to be good at this but Clara believes she can do better and elects herself to cook their dinner instead which will no doubt impress Shane into a marriage proposal there and then.
I am more horrified at the transitional scene of people skiing outside in the fucking dark. It’s dangerous enough in the day. Are there no policies for this!? Does the resort just hope they lose a few every night so they can cram more people in through the doors? While people are outside breaking their spines Shane and Clara have time to briefly discuss how her restaurant failed because it got too big, eat pudding and smile at each other.
Lo and behold Clara’s car is already in the garage after just one scene and now she needs a ride home because that chocolate cake made her approximately one hour too late for the last bus home. It was probably worth it… when isn’t cake worth it? At the end of this lift home we find out Shane is impressed with any person who doesn’t like in a hotel building, so much so that he just has to kiss the woman to make sure she is even real.
Clara: “Wow, I can’t believe I’m kissing a celebrity.”
Me: “Bit of a…. weird thing to say…”
Clara: “What’s wrong?”
Shane: “I…. I just don’t know if this is the best idea. I just get a lot of attention from the show, I didn’t even know you watched it.”
Clara: “I don’t. I don’t watch your show.”
Me: “Kick him while he’s down.”
Clara: “I was just saying I’m surprised… like in a good way.”
Shane: “Wait, I don’t think I’m explaining this right…”
Clara: “You’re definitely not.”
Me: “And I’m not going to stick around to hear you explain it, either!”
Clara bolts from that car as if her life depended on it and into her apartment building which Shane was so impressed with five seconds ago. What he will not be impressed with is the two Janice’s creeping around the resort after him the next morning in the absolute loudest fucking way on account of them both wearing fuck off heels and a lot of fur.
Meanwhile, everyone’s favourite boss Hugh is waiting for Clara outside of her apartment with coffee and checking that she really is OK because she can’t keep the crippling embarrassment off her face. As long as Hugh doesn’t turn out to be a massive bellend, which let’s face it, is highly likely, he’s really not so bad himself. While Clara is going off to attend some sort of business meeting, Shane is hiding out at the Mountain View resort and complimenting Jackie’s eggs florentine. He’s probably going to offer to work there just to get the secret recipe from the kitchen staff because he seems to be in love with these eggs.
The man asks for two coffees to go, presumably as some sort of apology gift to Clara, so I hope that woman has a strong bladder. As it turns out this big meeting is taking place at the Mountain View resort where Clara and Hugh spot Shane’s car. Isn’t this going to be just wonderful.
Prediction #5 – on hearing Hugh’s idea to take over Mountain View resort, Shane is going to side with Jackie and Frank and battle it out with the bigger resort and Clara
Shane is busy smiling at Christmas trees again and so never sees the two Janice’s thundering down upon him and cornering him at his table. Cue Clara and Hugh walking in so everything can look as awkward as is humanly possible. Jackie and Frank may consider Clara as their daughter right now but I get the distinct feeling that may change slightly in the next 10 minutes or so.
Clara: “Jackie, Frank, this is Hugh Peters. He owns the restaurant I work at.”
Frank: “Ohhhhh that’s right, the… the…. something or other.”
Hugh: “Summit.”
Frank: “Yeah, sounds about right, yeah.”
Me: “I am immediately opening a restaurant and calling it ‘The Something Or Other’ which has an adjoining lounge called ‘Sounds About Right, Yeah’.”
Despite telling Hugh there is absolutely nothing wrong, Clara cannot help breaking her neck to frequently look over at Shane and the Janice’s table before the women stomp out after the man like a two-woman herd of elephants. Unfortunately we don’t even get to hear the business proposal they are there to discuss but Jackie and Frank seem cool with it because when has Clara ever steered them wrong before?
Prediction #6 – Hugh has betrayed us all and probably put something in the contract like kicking Frank and Jackie out is part of the takeover or some other bollocks
Before they are able to leave Jackie mentions they also met someone else who works at Hugh’s resort and that he was actually by the day before, too. Clara greets this message as if the entire mountain and it’s inhabitants are hers to own and how dare he move around a public space without her permission. I really do feel some unhealthy competition coming on.
The restaurant is closed that evening for their annual Charity Dinner which, although in the spirit of Christmas, can only be an even better gift if it drums up some good publicity for them. Shane is unable to stop staring at Clara through Hugh’s little pep talk and is probably still just star struck by the fact she owns an apartment so now would obviously be a wonderful time for a call from Clara’s mother on speakerphone in the bathroom with Bonnie.
Clara’s Mom: “I called to remind you about our family Christmas dinner.”
Clara: “Yes, it is on my radar and scheduled in.”
Clara’s Mom: “Will you be bringing someone other than Bonnie this year?”
Me: “Oh my god, the woman is standing right there!”
Luckily Bonnie gives no shits because she’s doing Christmas with her own boyfriend which makes Clara’s mother infinitely more proud of Bonnie than her own daughter who manages a 5 star restaurant on top of a cliff. Seeing as her daughter is such a failure she has to remind her not to be damn late for this Christmas dinner. Again.
Prediction #7 – Clara will probably be late for dinner and they might be down one Bonnie but will be up one Shane
In a sort of montage of all the food the charity dinner has to offer I am mesmerised by the way people are cutting wedges of cheese and popping them out of the wheel with one single motion. Honestly. Watch this film for this scene alone, I had to watch it like three times.
There is some woman at the charity dinner who really just loves seeing Clara and Bonnie every year and so can’t help asking about their love lives. Clara is saved by the Hugh when he calls her over to meet some no doubt high profile people and the entire time Shane is lurking around in the doorway smiling to himself and watching her. Now… this would have you believe he was actually seeing her face when he was doing this but to make it even worse he was just smiling at the back of her head that entire time. Knowing Shane, however, he might have been smiling at the tower of candied clementines shaped into a Christmas tree. You know how he loves those things.
Done with the high profile guests Clara storms past Shane without a word and I can’t really blame her because he’s been staring at the back of her head like a creepy stalker. Cue the awkward conversation where Clara brings up Shane’s breakfast with the Janice’s and Shane tries to approach the subject of their kiss but instead ends up asking how her car is doing instead. This is all in the guise of trying to offer her a lift home but when she refuses he puts on his perfect Matt the Mayor impersonation and starts mumbling about Hugh instead.
Shane thinks that the restaurant reception area is a perfect time to start explaining to Clara that he would like to explain how he rudely misjudged her back at his place. Now… this started off sounded mildly creepy and clearly Clara’s face thought so too but it gets weirder when he offers to cook her dinner. The man clearly said he was staying in a hotel so unless his hotel suite is bigger than Clara’s entire apartment and has it’s own kitchen… then I presume he’s gonna go right ahead and use the hotel’s kitchen despite the fact they are currently standing in a restaurant with a fully stocked and serviced kitchen.
Wait… this man lives at the resort…. and yes his room is as big as Clara’s entire apartment. So dropping her off at home is really going out of his way. Shane is too bothered with staring at Clara some more to pay attention to his hands and knocks the pepper shaker out of the overhead cupboard. I have many questions about why the fuck a chef keeps that there but either way he splashes hot milk on himself and has to take his top off. Ya know… of all the films so far this is the first one where our man has had to get undressed. Normally they’re wrapped up to the fucking hilt in thermals while the women wear the highest heels they can find.
With Shane and Clara making out on his room’s balcony and prattling on about the view and only half of this film left I a) don’t really see where this is going other than the predictions made already and b) fear they are going to try and cram a lot into the second half of this film. We still need the betrayal, the big misunderstanding and the heartbreak before it can all work out and this man turns up at Clara’s Christmas dinner, probably uninvited and as a surprise to everyone.
Shane assures Clara that he is not the guy the show made him out to be and why are people skiing around in the night again!? Honestly the film could end right here and I don’t think anyone would be missing out on much. Shane is just all about the assurances these days and wants Clara to know she is a strong, independent female who don’t need no man… not one who isn’t a chef, anyway. This film might actually be taking a new direction when Clara mulls with the idea of opening up her own place again and I am just not used to seeing people kissing so much in these films. It’s normally a one and done kind of deal, ya know.
If we’re being treated to a Christmas montage of Clara and Shane having a great time together then you know tragedy cannot be far behind them. We also find out the man can’t ski for shit which amuses me no end. The glasses of wine that are served to Bonnie and Clara so they can have a good gossip one evening are literally as big as their faces!! I need them!
When Hugh calls Clara into his office the next day it is of no surprise that he has some concerns that she may have been spending all of her down time with Shane and hasn’t actually worked on their proposal at all. The woman best be getting paid overtime to work on that proposal in her own, personal time… I presume not as Hugh pulls out an early Christmas gift that turns out to be the classic piece of expensive jewellery all fictional men fall back on in these situations. It’s also some sort of bribery piece as he would really love all of this deal to be hashed out before the New Year.
Why are people always on the same friggin’ deadline in Christmas films!? Plan your projects accordingly, people!
When Clara shows some doubts that Jackie and Frank are willing to ruin their own holiday to work on a business deal, Hugh pulls out even more bribery… the man is good. Whether this other surprise project is real or not he had lined up Clara to run a new restaurant in New York, where she apparently really wants to go, and she cannae do that if she is hashing out the deal with the Mountain View Resort.
When Clara agrees to help speed up this Mountain View deal you can practically see her soul withering away into the distance.
Prediction #8 – Shane will convince Clara she can open up her own restaurant without the help of Hugh bloody Peters
Clara: “So, I’ve been meaning to ask, what are you doing for Christmas?”
Shane: “I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it. … I might go back to the city.”
Clara: “Well, that makes sense, I’m sure you probably want to see your family. Have you… told me about your family yet?”
Me: “How would you… not remember?”
Shane: “Ya know… I don’t think I have…”
Me: “How would you not remember!? It’s been like 2 days!”
At the mention of parents Shane’s face gets that specific ‘yeah, my parents died at Christmas a few years back/it was their favourite season’ look that only occurs in these films. Completely ignoring that expression Clara steamrolls into revealing the big secret deal she and Hugh have been working on to renovate the Mountain View Resort into a boutique hotel that she would be running for 6 months. Now… if she was going to be sticking around and running the place for 6 months anyway I don’t see what the rush is to seal the deal so she can also go and work in New York…
Shane offers some truth bombs about the fact Clara is only involved because of her connection to Jackie and Frank and they were more likely to trust her than Peters. Cue the slightly bullheaded and illogical overreaction. I’m not saying I wouldn’t also be a little irritated with the guy for pissing on my parade but I am nothing if not logical and his answers at least make sense… unlike that time in the car.
Clara: “Why are you being so negative? I thought you’d be happy for me!”
Me: “… It’s been 2 days!!”
Apparently when Shane took the job at The Summit he made a few calls and Hugh does not have the best reputation. I’m not sure what that says about either guy that they ended up working together anyway. Clara briefly tries to bring sexism into this but fails miserably. You really need to pick your feminism battles.
The final straw that sends Clara packing out of Shane’s apartment is the mention of her failed business attempt in Chicago. It’s pretty much tantamount to telling Kim she needs to work on her character detail. At least I can confirm that Clara was not late to the family Christmas dinner and was right on time for all that parental passive aggression.
Clara’s Mom: “Maybe next year we’ll have a full house, right Clara?! HAHAHA I’m kidding!”
Me: “She isn’t. She’s bitterly disappointed in you.”
Clara is blissfully ignored for the remainder of the meal while her Mom bangs on to her little sister about all the wonderful things going on in her life instead. So much more successful than that awful first child of hers, anyway. Unable to hear any more of the oxygen being sucked out of the room while her mother talks about how she thinks her photo shoot went and how she deserves the front cover, Clara pretends to clear plates so she can call Bonnie. You know it’s bad when you have to phone the woman who keeps cheese in her purse for some normalcy on your Christmas Eve.
I am very surprised when Clara’s Mom allows her to go and meet Bonnie for a drink instead of forcing her to sit around and listen to how her little sister and husband are her favourite couple of all time. Also I’m very sure both Bonnie and Clara are drinking and driving… Probably a good job because Bonnie has just revealed that she’s engaged to city planner Clive.
I adore the fact that answering a call from their boss basically means having to answer with ‘Hey, Hugh!’ and makes everyone sound overbearingly posh. Apparently his ex-wife just dropped his kids off unannounced which means Clara should put that phone down immediately and run the fuck away. It’s also very unfortunate that he needs her to go to the restaurant to pick up some papers which Bonnie is just overjoyed about and ropes Clive in to drive them up there.
Prediction #9 – Clara is gonna see something she doesn’t like in those papers
I don’t think it was the best idea to unleash a drunk Bonnie on the empty restaurant as she immediately starts breaking into Hugh’s filing cabinets and pulling out brown envelopes to compare contracts with Clara and check they have the right files. Bonnie pulls out an entire envelope that is just full of parking lot plans and we can only all presume Hugh was planning on turning the entire mountain into a parking lot for his mini empire. Fuck trees, eh, Hugh?
While the Scooby Gang are off to break into Clive’s office now, Shane is dropping in on Jackie and Frank who have the words ‘parking attendants’ stamped firmly into their futures. The man gets offered food and drink as soon as he walks in the door. I want to live with these people. As it turns out, Shane has been trying to track down where his parents had the picture taken of them decorating a tree, which he’s been carrying around with him. He knew it was somewhere on an American mountainside and… that’s about it. The photo was taken in the 80’s but it just happens Frank and Jackie had a fire in ’92 that destroyed all their old records. Gosh darn it!
It was at this point I was so shocked to see Jackie using her husband’s motherfucking glasses as a magnifying glass that I accidentally turned the entire Sky box off instead of just rewinding it. She then commences to open up the trunk they have been using as a coffee table and pulls out some sort of tin box that had an ornament in it. This ornament never got sold because it was made by Jackie’s mother the year they built the resort and every year they ask the guests to put it up on the tree to make them feel at home. I can only presume the ornament they are hanging up in the picture is the same one and we’ll just have to depend on Jackie’s glasses for that.
Instead of doing the honours of putting the ornament up on the tree he decides he would rather share it with someone else. They’re apparently cool with the man completely breaking Christmas tradition but… whatever. Back with the Scooby Gang it turns out Hugh has been making ‘exploratory proposals’ for condos and parking lots rather than the boutique hotel he first proposed. The man has betrayed us all!!
Christmas morning rolls around and Clara’s mom is already dressed in a power suit to serve up breakfast to the masses. I don’t remember Clara being that drunk but her mother found all of her documents scattered around the foyer instead of… ya know… anywhere safe.
Knowing how unreliable her car is I, personally, wouldn’t be driving anywhere through the snow in it but Clara rushes off to confront her boss anyway. She needn’t have bothered revealing herself as a tea leaf because Frank and Jackie called him that morning, as an early Christmas gift, and told him the deal was off with not much convincing from Shane. Hugh is having a wonderful Christmas! Unexpected kids, no deal, his restaurant manager just quit… and is now stranded on his drive in her broken down car.
Luckily all love interests in Christmas films are adept at stalking and Shane turns up to give her a lift home. He had already done the rounds of both her mother’s house, then Bonnie’s house, where they told him all about their festive crime spree, and finally ended up on Hugh’s driveway right alongside her. There is a well-timed train passing by, so the pair have plenty of time to stop and discuss Shane’s real motive for taking a job up a mountainside so he can search for where his parents spent their honeymoon.
After struggling through their own lives – their honeymoon was the only holiday out of New York they ever took in their entire existences – Shane had promised them when he started to get famous he would eventually slow down and start up a little ol’ place like the one they visited for their honeymoon. Of course he did not do this and then his parents promptly died before he could keep his promise.
Back at Mountain View Resort Jackie and Frank are standing around just waiting for the pair to rock up and to serve them dinner. Not before Shane and Clara have hung this ornament up on the tree, though. It’s funny how Clara recognises that ornament immediately from a picture she looked at for nigh on two seconds in the car but it took Jackie to Sherlock Holmes the place up before she noticed it. So we can go full circle, Frank is there with his turn of the century Polaroid camera so maybe in 30 years Shane and Clara’s kids can hunt down the location of their first Christmas on very little information too.
As it turns out they won’t have to hunt far because Clara’s Christmas present that year is Frank and Jackie’s hotel which they are selling to her and she is being financed by Shane himself.
Shane: “You can fix this place up any way you want. Jackie and Frank have agreed to stick around and work for you. I mean I’d like to hand in my resume for head chef and do all the cooking… minus the eggs florentine.”
Me: “I fucking knew this was all about those eggs!”
Clara is feeling festive enough to share this venture with Shane but he really should know she only bought him a scarf in return for this business opportunity… At least her mom may finally be proud and why is Clive so buff!? Where he hell is he a city planner of!? Ahem…
Shane is never going to get a moments piece with Clara’s mother around the place… her Christmas gift to him is an autographed copy of her two page spread article in the Seasons magazine… and hey, does he have any contacts in the gourmet gingerbread world that she’s thinking of setting up in?
If you want to see how you should handle insane in-laws at Christmas while French subtitles fly around your head then I believe you want to go over here. Unless you have the actual patience of Shane Rourke I find the only sure-fire way of dealing with in-laws is to stay as far away as you can possibly get…
Now, let’s see what abysmal scores I got today.
Prediction board – 6.5/9
- Prediction #1 – Clara and Shane are going to end up as the power couple of the world – CORRECT!
- Prediction #2 – At some point Carla’s car will break down and leave her stranded somewhere – Like her ex-bosses driveway… CORRECT!
- Prediction #3 – Peters Peters probably is interested in his restaurant manager, too – I…. still don’t know, ya know! Was it genuine interest or just bribery? Half a point!
- Prediction #4 – Shane is going to save Mountain View resort and as basically this couple’s daughter they will happily pass it over to Shane and Clara to look after – HELLA CORRECT!
- Prediction #5 – On hearing Hugh’s idea to take over Mountain View resort, Shane is going to side with Jackie and Frank and battle it out with the bigger resort and Clara – Unfortunately everyone found out far too late and took action far too swiftly for a battle. INCORRECT!
- Prediction #6 – Hugh has betrayed us all and probably put something in the contract like kicking Frank and Jackie out is part of the takeover – Hugh did us proud. CORRECT!
- Prediction #7 – Clara will probably be late for dinner and they might be down one Bonnie but will be up one Shane – Unfortunately this didn’t happen in time. INCORRECT!
- Prediction #8 – Shane will convince Clara she can open up her own restaurant without the help of Hugh bloody Peters – Technically…. yes, but he had to fund the shit out of it. Still… CORRECT!
- Prediction #9 – Clara is gonna see something she doesn’t like in those papers – Easy! CORRECT!
- Horse and Sleigh: That would have been interesting to see working it’s way up the mountain…
- Piano: I would say I’m missing impromptu piano choruses but that would be tempting fate
- Carolling: NADA!
- Christmas Montage: They were amazing… festive food montages… the cheese
- Fire Hazards: Unfortunately Hugh was nothing if not a sharp businessman who would not be sued for anything, including death by Christmas decorations
- Relative(s) died a tragic death during a past Christmas: We tripled down on this one!
- Snowing on cue: We were up a mountain, how was it not going to snow on cue?
I feel that 12 days in is good going before my brain feels like it’s turning to a festive mush, dotted with tinsel and glitter and smelling faintly of pine needles. That’s where we’re at right now… but just like Holly’s deranged father hurtling towards a tree in a horse and sleigh in the middle of the night… I guess we’re here until the end of the ride.
See ya tomorrow, folks!
Lines With Nowhere To Go 
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