I don’t remember seeing the Chaos Party as a choice… But if I had I probably would have voted for them.
They don’t half come up with some shit. I did hear him saying at one point:
‘We work 9-5 in an office 5 days a week when we should be utilising our current technology; for a modern company we are very old fashioned with how we work.’
Which he countered with OH LOOK HOW CRAZY AND INNOVATIVE WE ARE BY MAKING EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE MOVE SEATS DEPENDING ON CLIENT RATHER THAN TEAM!!
Fuck. Off. With your turn of the century, two hour long PowerPoint presentation and shove it up your arse.
After the world’s most boring, uninformative company meeting known to man.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear’s path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
Dune, Frank Herbert
And we’re back with another rousing list of ‘Weird Shit I See On My Work Commute’. Let’s dive straight in, shall we?
Lollipop Ladies at Traffic Lights
So recently, in the town I work, there have been some major roadworks outside of a high school I have the misfortune of passing on my route to and from the office.
Previously there was a lollipop lady who was wedged between two sets of traffic lights about 10 feet away from her on either side. You can imagine both how annoying this was and how awful traffic could get on the road when you’d just gotten past one traffic light only to have this mental, luminous woman jump out from behind a truck with a stick, towing children behind her like the friggin Pied Piper.
Apparently the council thought the best way to combat this was to give the lollipop lady her own set of traffic lights! No joke…. When a kid wanders up to her she presses the red button for them because, I don’t know, they can’t be trusted not to just graffiti the fuck outta it and give the little green man a massive penis or something.
She then waits with them until the light changes red and, despite traffic stopping for the red light…. she stands in the middle of the road to help the children cross. Again, I don’t know whether without her guidance the kids would wander outside of the designated walkway and end up playing in the traffic but there we have it. What’s worse is when more kids rock up to the lights and, beside them turning green, this woman is still standing in the road loving life.
I mean, actually there is something worse. Finally getting past the obstacle that is the lollipop lady and getting stopped at more traffic lights 10 feet away by more children.
The Pink Power Ranger
It’s not the first time I’ve seen the pink Power Ranger outside of a TV screen. This meeting – where a woman dressed entirely in pink with white trainers, white gloves and her hood up was walking down the road – reminded me of the first time I had seen the Power Ranger on a bus in Wolverhampton. I managed to find the message I had sent to my friend a million years ago copied into a note:
I don’t know I mean… the pink power ranger is sitting in front of me on the bus reading the chapter on drugs from Lily Savage’s autobiography and using a random Mexican man’s Royal Maid ID as a bookmark so… I feel I have to now
God only knows what I went on to do; the Pink Power Ranger overshadowed anything that came after.
Extreme Drunk Cycling
This guy was one of my favourites. I mean, except for the worry that as he got closer he was just going to fall into my stationary car and claim I ran him over because as far as he was concerned the entire world was racing around him.
It was difficult to miss him when I could see him 20 feet from the traffic lights weaving around the empty pavement like was navigating a crowd. The irony he had to brake sharply for the inanimate lamppost and seemed shocked to find it there.
At this point I was still unsure whether the man was drunk or just very tired – it was early in the morning. He shattered all doubt, however, when he began to shout at a mannequin wearing a wedding dress in the bridal shop window as he zigzagged past.
The Fake Window
Again. Traffic lights. People are gonna believe I have some weird obsession with them. Anyway, I was sitting at the traffic lights when I looked up at a house and thought ‘Oh, how pretty, they have coordinated their door, door frame and window frames to compliment each other. That’s really nice. Especially the upstairs middle window where even the glass looks… looks… non-reflective… and… flat… almost like it’s been painted on and stuck up in the place a window should be.. In fact, that is exactly what has happened. Why would someone do that?’
Now you know people, never let anything perturb you, not even the basic structural design of your house.
The thought of being pregnant doesn’t bother me. It’s the thought of what happens when I stop being pregnant.” – Me, being asked if I am too scared to have children
(Note: I am 25. I do not have children, I do not want children, I hate children and anything I – no doubt accidentally – produce will be the literal spawn of Satan. I don’t mean does drugs, robs and commits general crime sort of Satan. I mean the world starts shaking, the ground splits open and the whole hospital is dragged down into hell with me sort of Satan. You know. Me 2.0.)
I thought the woman on ‘The Blacklist‘ was crying and shaking so much because she was just having a really emotional conversation with Reddington.
Turns out he was interrogating her in a walk-in-freezer.” – Me, misreading the situation
Lewis – “How do you trust someone you don’t really know?”
Mr. Cooper – “You trust what you really know about them.”
Lewis, Season 2, Episode 3 – Life Born of Fire
If you take the ‘o’ off the end of his name, he’s just Leonard” – Me, having a revelation
Claire is my best friend. She is me but slightly shorter and comes with a working filter.
She’s gonna drop by from time to time with pearls of wisdom for us all to enjoy.
So, I have been ridiculously busy lately with the 10 million things I do and hobbies I have to try and distract myself from the fact I live on a shitty, weather-beaten island sinking under the weight of its own stupidity.
However, it becomes harder to put something to one side when you have to see it with your own eyes. Here is a list, for your eyes, of things I have seen in the last fortnight driving to and from work:
Man humping a digger
I’m starting strong here because this was by far my favourite thing from the last fortnight. Unfortunately the workman was not actually standing and humping the arm of his digger (if he was then 8am in the morning during roadworks next to a set of traffic lights whilst wearing a Hi Vis jacket was not the way to go), but was actually trying to pull a lever up on the side of the arm.
Instead of standing to the side of the lever to try and move it he was instead standing at the front of the arm and just… consistently ramming himself into it whilst he struggled. I thought I was seeing a true love story. Real. Brave. True love.
Just a man struggling with his digger. His friend eventually came to help but by then my lights had changed to green and I was laughing far too hysterically to safely drive through the 20 mph school zone. I may have almost mowed down the lollipop lady – but she does have a habit of jumping out from behind buses and trucks.
I don’t think she’s happy in her current job.
Now, in the town I work there are bins next to all of the bus stops or bus shelters. If you were after a bin you would just need to follow the nearest bus route.
Hooooowever, at another set of traffic lights, which is inconveniently right next to a bus stop, I looked across the road and saw a bin. In a hedge. Hovering 4 foot off the floor. And the people waiting for the bus were not perturbed in the slightest by this!
It wasn’t the type of bin that looked as if it were capable of free-standing, and might get blown over in a light breeze, so I can really only assume that the council had wedged it into some poor, unsuspecting homeowner’s hedge to keep in line with the town’s mathematical code:
Bus stop = Bin
Dramatic Entering of a Car
Honest to God this stuff always happens when I get stopped at a red light.
On a little slip road two guys were having a massive argument next to their cars, I can only presume someone cut someone up or almost ran into them and they’d parked up in order to argue this out like primates in the jungle.
The argument ended pretty quickly when Guy #2 walked back to his car and flung his door open so violently it wrenched out of his hand and bounced back, before excruciatingly slowly and very gently swinging back closed.
The two guys just looked at each other for a couple of moments before Guy #2 yelled something unintelligible, opened his door again and dived head first into the car.
Most of my route to and from work is spent on a road that is 60mph and cuts through lots of fields and farmland. I rarely get to drive at 60mph. Even if I did my car begins to whistle if it hits anything over 70 and I fear it will just fall over itself.
This is my exact car but… cleaner. Here Citroen is giving the impression of speed. They are lying. If the car was really driving that quickly the wing mirrors and tyres would have flown off by now.
Anyway, luckily I was not driving at 60mph otherwise I would have missed the man on the side of the road, emerging from an actual hedge, in an Hawaiian themed shirt and pink shorts…. eating an icecream. I mean… It’s still pretty much winter in England, for all that amounts to.
If only we could all live like the hedge people.