Tag Archives: Misheard

Taken from http://www.toonbarn.com/yu-gi-oh/

Yu-Gi-Oh! – S1 E1

My new favourite pass time is to work my way through Yu-Gi-Oh! on Netflix and every time someone uses the word ‘deck’ I replace it with ‘dick’.

I watched these when I was a kid but man, am I enjoying watching these far more now.

We will be doing an awful version of a series review, mostly just sharing our favourite re-imagined lines here, as well as anything else which makes us laugh.

Me and Kieran also have a running bet with the world in general that the card ‘Dark Magician’ will make an appearance in every one of Yugi’s battles. I will also be listing some other common cards as and when we see them.

So, it’s time to d-d-d-d-d-duel! (With penises)

Yu-Gi-Oh S1E1
Grandpa please, I don’t wanna touch your deck

Synopsis

The Heart of the Cards
High schooler Yugi Moto and his friends become embroiled in a deadly match of Duel Monsters when champion Seto Kaiba kidnaps Yugi’s grandfather.

Best Bits

“I trust in my Grandfather’s dick.”

“The dick senses my doubt…”

Grandad: “Blue Eyes White Dragon! So rare, so powerful, I never let it leave my hands!”
Me: “Literally was not in his hand two seconds ago.”

Monster’s Sighted:

  • Dark Magician (1/1)
  • Blue Eyes White Dragon x3 (1/1)
  • Exodia (1/1)
  • Gaia the Fierce Knight (1/1)

Recap

We forgot that this show gives the back story as to Yugi’s magical powers predominantly in the opening credits, so just know that everyone is cool seeing the little guy walking around with this hulking Millennium Puzzle necklace on all the time and sometimes randomly shouting “Yu-Gi-Oh!” when he starts duelling.
They’re also cool with the extra highlights in his hair and extra deep voice he gets too when he happily hands over all bodily control to a Pharoah from ancient Egypt trapped in the Millennium puzzle.
So Yugi is telling everyone at school about the game shop his Grandad conveniently owns and that sometimes he has rare cards.

YuGi-S1E1-2
Grandad’s shop has a strict ‘don’t touch my rare fucking cards’ policy

Kaiba, who is not only some duelling champ but also owns his own giant corporation, shows up at the shop asking to see some rare cards. Yugi’s Grandad shows him his Blue Eyes White Dragon – which is not a euphemism for anything – but won’t sell it because his very heart and soul is intertwined with this card. Not to mention only 4 exist in the entire world.

Obviously Kaiba is like ‘Bruh… what’s wrong with my money?’ and forces poor Grandad to go and duel with him at his offices. He is, however, nice enough to call Yugi at the shop to explain his Grandad is having a heart attack in the office foyer so he should probably come and pick him up right away.

Rushing over there with his friends we find out Kaiba bossed Grandad and took his Blue Eyes White Dragon from him. In a bizarre and clearly unthought out twist of events Kaiba rips up the card so it can never be used against him.

Now…. this would make more sense if a) in the upcoming duel against Yugi… he didn’t summon 3 Blue Eyes White Dragons and so just ruined the chances of owning all 4 in existence and b) if at this point he actually believed in this ‘heart of the cards’ bullshit people keep harping on about.

Anyway, Yugi’s friends Tristan and Téa (UK version names) take Grandad off to the hospital whilst Joey stays to cheer Yugi on while he transforms into Yami Yugi (who is a 5000 year old Egyptian Pharaoh who clearly liked to gamble) and duels Kaiba in a state of the art arena where the monsters appear to come to life. I’m not… entirely sure what they’re duelling for at this point because Grandad’s favourite card is loooooong gone, but either way Yami Yugi manages to summon Exodia and wipe out Kaiba’s entire hand.

YuGi-S1E1-3
Fancy seeing you here with all of your limbs

Let it be known that Grandad strictly said, earlier, no one had ever managed to summon Exodia due to the fact you need to put 5 cards together – for his limbs and head – in order to do so, but the heart of the cards and all that…

Yami Yugi, being all powerful and magical and shit, hits Kaiba with some powerful life lessons that basically give the poor man a breakdown, all whilst Kaiba’s younger brother is watching and wondering why is brother’s brain is leaking out of his ears.

Everything is cool, Grandad doesn’t die and we meet the mysterious man who has a brass button instead of an eye and a specific interest in Yugi.

YuGi-S1E1-4
This doesn’t impair my vision at all

See you next episode, folks!

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End of Days

Tomorrow, CW4 is leaving us to move to London. He is…. he is……

He is about as stealthy as the T-Rex from Jurassic park and when he visits the floor above ours in the building…. we can track his progress across the floor. He is also the reason restraining orders exist, I am sure. He is obsessively bulking and gyming all of the time.

When not stomping around looking for food or being reported by women he is most likely to be found complaining about how he doesn’t have a can of Stella in his hand.

So here I have documented his best (this being the operative word) moments, including the entirety of our last pub meal together. He actually leaves tomorrow, but myself and two other people are not around, so unfortunately I will be missing the moment he gets gifted with his leaving presents, including ‘The Wankers Guide to Masturbation‘. Which you can buy here. Forever alone, I guess.


CW1: “Wait, let’s see if we can hear him!”

All listening to CW4 walk around on the floor above us.

Everyone: “Yup!”

Me: “Imagine trying to go ghost hunting with him, you’d be screwed. ‘I think I hear something…. Wait, someone check CW4 wasn’t moving around in a neighbouring town.’

CW1: “In a hostage situation, if we were hiding, I’d be like ‘You can get the hell away from me.’

CW5: “Imagine his SAS training…”

Me: “Yeah, if he parachuted in on the roof of a skyscraper they’d hear him down on the third floor.”

CW3: “Can we ask him to walk…”

CW5: “Normally? I can try, I mean… Right now it just sounds like he’s trying to break his own feet.”

CW1: “But he’s not hurting anyone right now except his own feet.”

Me: “And the structural integrity of the building. If this place falls down they’ll need to do an investigation into CW4.”

CW4 returns…

CW1: “We can hear you upstairs. We tested this time.”

CW4: “I think you’re joking though.”

Me: “We are not.”

CW1: “For lent we think you should give up storming.”

CW4: “I can’t even give up smoking, let alone storming.”

Me: “Storming is life!”

CW6: “That needs to be a t-shirt.”


Myself and CW3 pretending to shoot ourselves in the head due to regular CW4 bullshit.

Me: “Actually that kinda hurt, my nails are too long.”


CW4, during office table tennis tournament: “I’ve got my last match tomorrow. Someone’s gonna lose.”

Me: “Yes; statistically someone will lose.”

CW4: “Yeah, but pray it isn’t me.”

Me: “You want me to pray for you?”

CW3: “Hayley doesn’t pray.”

CW6: “If Hayley prayed for you, you’d burst into flames.”

Me: “I probably wouldn’t even mean to. It would just happen.”


CW4: “I didn’t like the man who presented. He kept doing weird hand movements.”

Everyone, watching CW4 flap his arms around: “…….”

CW4: “What was it CW3 said? He said limp….”

Me: “Limp-wristed?”

CW4: “No, no, Limp Biscuit!”

Me: “Oh my God, Fred Durst was presenting at a Google Training day!?”

CW4: “I don’t think that was his name.”

Everyone: “…………….”


CW4: “Is psychology the one where you have to answer riddles?”

Me: “I’m not trying to Indiana Jones my way into a tomb…”

CW4: “No, like if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around.”

CW5: “That’s philosophy.”

CW4: “What’s that?”

CW5: “You literally just…… Never mind.”


More than once CW5 has put pepper into CW4’s tea.

CW5: “For his last day I was going to prank him by putting cyanide in his tea.”

Me: “That’s a big step up from pepper.”

CW5: “It’s the natural progression.”

Me: “I mean… whether he leaves on his own two feet or he’s carried out, the important thing is he is leaving.”


The Final Meal

It should be noted that CW4 did invite the receptionist who he is not so secretly in love with.

She said she’d come along.

She did not.


CW4: “I feel so stressed.”

CW5: “Well most people have a break between jobs. You leave Friday, move to London during the weekend and start work on Monday.”

CW4: “Yeah, that was a dick move.”

Me – “That should probably be written on his gravestone. ‘Here lies CW4. That was a dick move.'”

CW4: “The only day of rest I’ll have is the Saturday. Every Saturday, on my way to Asda, I go to the park with a can of beer, smoke a cig and watch the swans.”

Me: “I can’t, I’m actually dying right now. I can’t breathe.”

CW6: “Do you ever reflect on your previous weeks there?”

CW4: “Yes!”

Me – “The bench feels a bit different today…”

CW4: “I don’t sit down.”

Me: “Oh shit, he doesn’t even have time to sit. He’s got places to stomp.”


CW1: “So who is getting him smashed at the social?”

CW4: “I’m not going.”

Everyone: “What!? Why aren’t you going?”

CW4: “Well why are none of you going? CW6 never goes. CW3 is on holiday. CW7’s wife is pregnant. CW1 has a wedding. Hayley…”

Me: “I hate people.”

CW4: “Hayley hates people! Why do I have to go!?”

CW1: “Because it’s your last one!”

Me: “It’s not on rest day is it? He can’t go on his rest day.”

CW4: “Nah, that’s not it.”

CW1: “Then what is it?”

CW4, looking wistfully at the ceiling: “………………..”

CW6: “I’ve never seen him so quiet.”

Me: “I imagine that’s the face he pulls when he’s watching the swans.”

CW6: “I hope he has sad music playing in the background…”


CW1: “Highlights? Lowlights? Speech?”

CW6: “Yeah! Speech!”

Me: “Shouldn’t he wait for tomorrow on his actual last day?”

CW6: “But a lot of us aren’t here.”

Me: “I know.”


CW4: “I don’t think I had any problems with any of you. I mean, I’ve never worked with you two. (Me and CW1.) I wish I had.”

CW3: “Hayley doesn’t.”


CW4, talking about the receptionist: “I asked her to thread my eyebrows and I wondered how that would work because I’ve only ever had them done by a dude….”

Me: “Yeah… women have opposable thumbs too.”

CW4: “Actually, I was thinking about the view I would have when she leans over…”

Everyone: “OH DEAR JESUS CW4!”

CW5, downing beer.


CW4: “I said I’d have to cut down my drinking when I move to London, but that’s not gonna happen, is it?”

CW6: “Nah mate.”

CW1: “You might have to when it’s 10 quid a pint.”

CW4: “I’m gonna have to find a new park…”

CW6: “Do you name the swans when you’re there?”

CW4: “I named one Daniel.”


Getting back to work and seeing the receptionist has put up a sign at the desk.

CW3: “Ooh, receptionist is currently unavailable.”

Me: “That’s just for CW4’s benefit.”


CW5: “How do you think he’ll react to the book we got him?”

CW3, putting on a voice: “Huh, huh, huh, you guys know me so well.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s it. I don’t even need to be here tomorrow.”


CW6 found a video that sums up both a) CW4’s natural stomp and b) the video we made of all the guys trying to reinact that natural stomp, which I can’t include here because here doesn’t technically exist, as far as they are concerned.

For other CW4 related posts, if you’re really that interested, check out the below because… HE AIN’T EVER COMIN’ BACK!
(I realised this is a bit confusing as someone left and he changed from CW5 to CW4…. I’m sure you can figure out which speaker he is from the dumbassery leaving his mouth, though.)

The ‘H’ is Silent
Fire Drill 101
Technique
Paranoia
Skincare
Laughter is the Best Medicine
Morals
Bro’s Gold