Tag Archives: Parenting

Mother’s Love

Mom – “Oh my god! I think I’ve just bit my tongue off!”

Mom commences to show us all her now bleeding tongue.

Chartlotte 2.0 – “Eurgh!”

Matt – “Oh, that’s bad…”

Me – “Well, you’ve bitten your tongue. You haven’t bitten it off.”

Mom – “Owwwwwww.”

Me – “How old are you?”

Mom – “…..”

Me – “Don’t give me that look, you’re the one who still hasn’t learnt the layout of your mouth yet.”

Mom, looking to Matt for sympathy – “But look at it!”

Matt – “Well, you’re never gonna get a man like that, are ya?”

Me – “Not if you go everywhere tongue first.”

Mom – “I fucking hate my kids.”





Kieran: “So what’s going in the pasta then?”

Me: “Mushrooms, peppers, broccoli, onion and garlic.”

Kieran: “Mmmmm sounds dee. Proper dee.”

Me: “If we have kids can you not speak like that?”

Kieran: “Why?”

Me: “Because I don’t want them speaking like utter bellends.”


In the Loop



Mom – “Don’t forget to put that stew in the fridge.”

Me – “Does it need to go in the fridge? I’m heating it up again tomorrow.”

Mom – “Yes! It’s got meat and veg in it! You’ll give yourself food poisoning!”

Me – “….”

Mom – “No. Don’t even think about giving yourself food poisoning to get out of work. I saw that face… It’s the kind of face I’d pull when I’m thinking….”

Together – “Is it worth it?”