Myself and CW1 pretending to hold a seance with the computer mouse:
Me: “Is there anyone there?”
CW1: “Move down for yes and up for no.”
Mouse moves down for yes.
Me: “I’m not moving it, I swear.”
CW1: “Are you having a good day?”
Mouse moves up for no.
CW1: “Do you want to leave here?”
We both slam the mouse down so hard it flies off the edge of the desk and takes my water bottle with it.
Me: “Well shit.”
CW1: “Think we might be done here.”
Me, after giving up on work at 9:09 : – “Right! It’s 10:20! I think I’m finally ready to deal with these hopeless morons!”
Me – “Oh OK, never mind then.”
CW1: “Urgh! This task I’m doing is too long.”
CW4: “Your face is too long.”
Me: “Your lives are too long.”
CW1 – “Open the blinds, CW4! Let’s get some light in here!”
CW4 – “True, the sun isn’t out so there shouldn’t be any glare.”
CW4 opens the blinds
CW2 – “My god….”
CW3 – “The lack of colour out there is impressive…”
Me – “It’s like we’re experiencing a flash back and the scenes are all muted down.”
CW2 – “Close the blinds, this is depressing!”
CW1 – “Wait!”
CW2 – “I can’t wait until we’re told to take it down because it’s a fire hazard or something.”
Me – “The giant ball of fire would never turn on us. Look how happy he is to see us.”
Our company made us travel down to London to take part in some awful training session where they collected 80 people in one tiny apartment (called an anomalous space because… London) and ultimately tried to nicely shoehorn everyone into one of four personality categories.
After reading some random statements and scoring them 1-4 based on how accurate they were about ourselves we put our scores into a turn of the century excel doc and out popped our answers. You were either a Thinker, Mover, Connector or Planner.
Either way this has absolutely no bearing on our lives other than to perhaps help the company understand in how many ways people could really despise their jobs and ultimately never feel any type of joy.
CW3: “I can’t be bothered with these calls…. that’s because I’m a ‘Mover’.”
CW1: “Fucking Mover… CW4, what were you? I bet you were a Connector.”
CW4: “Actually I was a Planner, but I think the spreadsheet was broke.”
CW2: “Yeah, my team was getting really angry about their results.”
CW1: “Wow…. Hayley, what were you? I bet you were a Thinker.”
Me: “Yep, and I can’t help thinking you are all absolute pricks.”
CW4: “HA! I like it, that was quick.”
Me: “I got nothing but thinking time.”
Group Skype Conversation
CW4: “I like the fact even they know they’re cackling.”
CW5, working from home: “Who is cackling?”
CW1: “Bank behind us. Ugh.”
CW3: “I mean…. Siv did say a funny and made them laugh.”
Me: “They’re the reason the computer sometimes tells me if I turn my music up any louder I might do irreversible damage.”
Skype Conversation 1 – man turns up at the office on the bank of desks behind ours, starts talking very loudly about the weather
Me – “His voice is grating on me.”
CW1: “Yeah, he’s way too happy.”
Me – “Oh, maybe that’s the part I’m responding to. It’s his happiness that is grating on me.”
Skype Conversation 2 – our entire team
CW4 – “That’s a COO that’s behind us, by the way. No swearing and don’t call him a wanker.”
Me – “Too late.”
CW5: “I don’t know whether this message I want to send will offend anyone in the Whatsapp group.”
CW1: “What message?”
CW5: “Our friend has said there is a growing market for second-hand baby stuff and I’ve put ‘there is a growing market for second-hand babies, just ask Madonna’.”
CW3: “That’s good!”
CW1: “Of course you would think it’s good but I don’t know. Read your audience. If you know they won’t be offended then…”
CW5: “I think the others would get it but I don’t know about T.”
CW2: “If you’re having to question….”
CW3: “Is anyone in the group adopted?
CW3: “Has anyone in the group adopted a child?”
Me: “Is anyone in the group Madonna?”
Me: “CW4, I just had a really productive hour, can I go home now?”
CW4: “I’d like more than just one hour….”
Me: “Well you’re not getting anything else out of me today, so I might as well not be here.”
CW2: “You could help me on Phillips?”
Me: “Oh no, you’re mistaken. I have work to do. I’m just not doing it.”
CW4: “I didn’t hear that. I hear nothing. I see nothing.”
Me: “So I’m good to go then, yeah?”
Since getting a new Receptionist/Office Manager at work things have been going…. downhill.
The other week a roof tile fell in and all the toilets flooded. I know it seems like this probably wasn’t the Office Manager’s fault but when the problem was reported to her and she simply replied with ‘Oh, I’ll see if I can call someone’ while the tiles were collapsing and toilet water was flooding out into the hallway and down the elevator shaft….. well, you know.
For some of our more delicate employee’s the simple change from free clementines and tangerines to full blown, fuck-off oranges has been…. traumatic to say the least.
Here was CW2’s run in with his first office orange:
God, I can’t peel this at all.
Oh for god’s sake it’s covered in the white stuff. I hate the white stuff.
I still haven’t peeled it and I’m getting juice everywhere.
I’ve got juice down me.
I’ve got juice in my keyboard.
Oh, buzzin’! I’ve got a segment!!
…. I just got stabbed in the face with a seed…
I don’t even like oranges…
I’ve got orange juice in my eye!!
And finally, we closed this event with CW2 choking on his orange before giving up and declaring his hatred for the office fruit.