Tag Archives: Food

Cleanliness Is Next To The Onions On The Floor

Me, cooking – “Ah, shit, Mother, I just dropped some of your chopped onions on the floor.”

Mom – “Well can you stop because I don’t hoover!”

Me – “….”



Mom – “Don’t forget to put that stew in the fridge.”

Me – “Does it need to go in the fridge? I’m heating it up again tomorrow.”

Mom – “Yes! It’s got meat and veg in it! You’ll give yourself food poisoning!”

Me – “….”

Mom – “No. Don’t even think about giving yourself food poisoning to get out of work. I saw that face… It’s the kind of face I’d pull when I’m thinking….”

Together – “Is it worth it?”

Claire-ism #1

Claire is my best friend. She is me but slightly shorter and comes with a working filter.

She’s gonna drop by from time to time with pearls of wisdom for us all to enjoy.



Blend Grylls

Kieran – “Look, Bear Grylls has a diet book out.”

Me – “Is it a diet book because it involves me climbing a tree, beating my dinner to death with a stick and then only eating half of it? Raw?”

Kieran – “Very much not.”

Me, looking at the cover – “Oh no, he has a blender!”


Just a note, binging on any Bear Grylls series is a favourite Sunday pastime of mine.

Kieran, however, is not so excited about seeing a grown man drink his own piss out of a sock.


Third Time And All That

All I needed to do was walk into the dining room and walk back out again with my cardigan. Here are my attempts.

Attempt 1

Me, walking back into the living room with a bottle of wine – “Do you think it’s too early to open this?”

Attempt 2

Me, walking back into the living room with a chocolate bar – “Oops, the chocolate and caramel distracted me.”

Attempt 3

Me, walking back into the living room with linen fabric – “I really should have bought another metre of this one, I love it.”

Attempt 4

Me, walking back into the living room with my cardigan – “Turns out this was on the table because it still hasn’t been washed….. Do you know where my grey one is instead?”



Misread: Diet

RM – “I’ve been watching this programme called ‘How to Diet Well’. I think you should watch it if you want ideas on eating more healthily.”

Me – “I don’t think so. I just looked it up and read ‘virtual gastric brand’ as ‘virtual garlic bread’.


Misread: Food Groups

Portion of ingredients from food:

blueberry powder (blueberry, maltodextrin [potato])

Me – “WHAT!? Blueberries are just tiny motherfucking potatoes!! ……. Oh…. Oh wait…. There was a comma there. I missed the comma.”



CW7 – “Want a gum?”

Me – “No thanks. They remind me how hungry I really am.”

CW7 – “Really? They help me because my brain thinks I’m eating.”

Me – “Yeah, but my stomach’s like ‘WOO! FOOD!……. WOOOOOOO………. Any second now…… Any….. Waiting…… Still waiting….. Oh my god, you bitch, you tricked me again!”



Mom, food shopping – “We need porkpies!! I’ve walked past the porkpies, what shall we do!?”

Me – “I think, after we spent all those millions of years evolving, that we should at least try and make use of our legs, turn around and walk back.”


I think this cinnamon roll is the only thing standing between me and jail right now.” – extremely angry Me