Mom – “Don’t forget to put that stew in the fridge.”
Me – “Does it need to go in the fridge? I’m heating it up again tomorrow.”
Mom – “Yes! It’s got meat and veg in it! You’ll give yourself food poisoning!”
Me – “….”
Mom – “No. Don’t even think about giving yourself food poisoning to get out of work. I saw that face… It’s the kind of face I’d pull when I’m thinking….”
Together – “Is it worth it?”
Claire is my best friend. She is me but slightly shorter and comes with a working filter.
She’s gonna drop by from time to time with pearls of wisdom for us all to enjoy.
Kieran – “Look, Bear Grylls has a diet book out.”
Me – “Is it a diet book because it involves me climbing a tree, beating my dinner to death with a stick and then only eating half of it? Raw?”
Kieran – “Very much not.”
Me, looking at the cover – “Oh no, he has a blender!”
Just a note, binging on any Bear Grylls series is a favourite Sunday pastime of mine.
Kieran, however, is not so excited about seeing a grown man drink his own piss out of a sock.
All I needed to do was walk into the dining room and walk back out again with my cardigan. Here are my attempts.
Me, walking back into the living room with a bottle of wine – “Do you think it’s too early to open this?”
Me, walking back into the living room with a chocolate bar – “Oops, the chocolate and caramel distracted me.”
Me, walking back into the living room with linen fabric – “I really should have bought another metre of this one, I love it.”
Me, walking back into the living room with my cardigan – “Turns out this was on the table because it still hasn’t been washed….. Do you know where my grey one is instead?”
RM – “I’ve been watching this programme called ‘How to Diet Well’. I think you should watch it if you want ideas on eating more healthily.”
Me – “I don’t think so. I just looked it up and read ‘virtual gastric brand’ as ‘virtual garlic bread’.
Portion of ingredients from food:
blueberry powder (blueberry, maltodextrin [potato])
Me – “WHAT!? Blueberries are just tiny motherfucking potatoes!! ……. Oh…. Oh wait…. There was a comma there. I missed the comma.”
CW7 – “Want a gum?”
Me – “No thanks. They remind me how hungry I really am.”
CW7 – “Really? They help me because my brain thinks I’m eating.”
Me – “Yeah, but my stomach’s like ‘WOO! FOOD!……. WOOOOOOO………. Any second now…… Any….. Waiting…… Still waiting….. Oh my god, you bitch, you tricked me again!”
Mom, food shopping – “We need porkpies!! I’ve walked past the porkpies, what shall we do!?”
Me – “I think, after we spent all those millions of years evolving, that we should at least try and make use of our legs, turn around and walk back.”
CW4 – “What makes something a fruit or a vegetable? Isn’t it seeds?”
CW1 – “Google it.”
CW4 – “I was sure it was seeds.”
CW6 – “I think it’s whether it grows on a branch.”
CW1 – “You literally have the internet right in front of you to check.”
CW4 – “Yes but I’m making conversation, that’s better than just Googling something by yourself and not talking about it.”
Me & CW1 – “No, it isn’t.”
Me – “Googling something by yourself is way better than having to talk to people.”