I have been forced back to the Sky box today due to the fact Kieran was sick of looking at the million films I had saved despite the fact I only needed 24. Also it was preventing us from recording NFL games. They both only come around once a year but it turns out Christmas is much more likely to give you concussion and kill you off…
Today we are watching Under the Mistletoe. The beginning of this film was so understated I didn’t even realise it had started for 2 minutes because I was too busy eating. Not even the festive music got my attention because that is a literal part of my every day life now. It’s like a really depressing backing track to my life. Imagine festive music playing behind the entire ‘Lost Mickey/Suicide Mouse’ episode… that’s my life right now. (Kids, don’t check out that episode, it’s grim as fuck. Also, stop reading anything I post, it’s grim as fuck.)
OK so as per usual we start in an office because we are lead to believe that all office workers are soulless, miserable, hollow shells of human beings who are in such desperate need of Christmas spirit that Santa himself has to get involved most of the time.
One woman is trying to write an article about getting a real hot body for the New Year because if it hasn’t worked for you at any other point why not try when you’re still hungover, it’s too cold to go outside and you have all that leftover Christmas food to eat. Some guy called Lester, who I believe is the manager of this place, is told to stop pestering her by another mystery office worker and shouldn’t he be playing golf or something.
She is right to assume this, he has turned up in a tropical shirt with his golf club but apparently he’s here for the office party so I guess… maybe that’s his +1 or something.
Our main woman thanks this mystery woman, so I guess Lester is the obligatory sex pest office boss, but would rather not go to the office party. I don’t blame her. Not if Lester is going to be skulking around and trying to cheat on his golf club all night.
Mystery woman: “You’re loss, there’s gonna be tons of hot guys there. I need a remedy for my frigid sheets since I kicked George to the curb.”
Main woman: “Anne, George dumped you, remember?”
Anne: “He was romantically challenged with commitment phobia.”
Me: “Woman, that still doesn’t change the fact that… he dumped you.”
Main woman would rather be shopping for a Christmas tree with Tom Jonathan. Now, at this point I am used to Americans refusing to speak clearly so I presume this was two people, however I am holding out for some strange abomination made up of two people in a horrific science experiment gone wrong.
Now…. no-ow. Anne mentions unconditional love and there are no happy marriages at the beginning of a Christmas film that are still that way at the end. SO. Here it comes…
Prediction #1 – Whichever part of the abomination she is married to will either die in a horrific car crash whilst going to purchase their tree or… far less dramatic, plain ol’ divorce
They really must be a power couple because Main Woman and Tom/John cannot even be forced into an argument when untangling Christmas lights. They also show their son Tom/John some crappy star that has been in the family for generations and one day he’ll be putting it on top of his own tree with his own kids. The kid genuinely looks at them like he would rather be celibate for the rest of his life than have to own that damn star. It doesn’t help any when he is forced to watch his parents kissing under the mistletoe. I think we have just watched Tom/John Jr’s future family crash and burn before our very eyes.
Tom/John Jr’s questions from the back seat of the car keep distracting his dad until they collide with another car. Goodbye Tom, I am sad to say we only found out your name in the last few moments of your life. The next scene Main Woman is in a hospital bed in a suspiciously sparse room and I presume that is why they put Anne and her boobs in the scene to distract everyone. I know I was distracted.
Now… it’s up to Anne to deliver the news that Tom didn’t make it and honest to god from the look on John’s face and the face of some random man who just walked in through the curtains… I think this is the first anyone has heard of it!! The nurse leads her off stage left because her devastating work here is now done and oh, I really haven’t been paying attention to this film because the random guy is actually Tom and Anne walks straight through him and he’s a ghost. What a way to learn you died. Especially as your knocked out wife kind of just agrees to the statement that you’re dead and goes back to sleep again.
Tom: “Life doesn’t always turn out the way you planned it to.”
Me: “He seems very OK with being dead right now!”
I’m not entirely sure what is going on in the next scene or how much time has passed but Main Woman is searching through a box of Christmas things and starts to feel nostalgic enough to look out at their pool in the backyard. Maybe it’s the fact the thing is full of leaves and really needs cleaning out, I don’t know, maybe that was Tom’s job, but she starts reminiscing about some time they played hockey together and then there is a bright light and he sort of skates off into the distance and she waves at the pool. I mean… that might be an exact memory and someone just turned the floodlights on at the wrong time at the rink but… I think she’s losing it guys.
Turns out Main Woman’s name is Susan, which she gives to us when going through her bills and talking to herself. John has turned into a right prick since his Dad died and is demanding that she takes him to school of all things and how dare she keep making him peanut and jelly sandwiches! So obviously he thinks now is a great time to ask what happens to people after they die.
Susan: “Well, if they’re a loving person then angels come to down to meet them and they’ll take them to be back with God.”
Me: “But you should know that their physical body will slowly decompose and rot until there is almost nothing left of them and that can take quite a while depending on the environmental conditions.”
John: “Do you believe there is some kind of life for a person after they die?”
Susan: “This is about your Dad, isn’t it?”
Me: “No shit! How many other fucking people have died around you recently!?”
Susan delivers a terrible pep talk about the fact they’re all just going to have to get used to life without Tom when John drops the bombshell that that is what his Dad told him last night. Apparently he told him life just doesn’t work out how you planned, sometimes. Which… wait so…. either Tom is stuck on a really boring parental advice loop in the afterlife or this is the very next day and Susan is already out of the hospital and driving her soon to school with concussion and getting over her dead husband very casually.
Fuck’s sake. Someone bring Anne back.
Susan also thinks that just before dropping her son off at school would be a great time to tell him he lived in a fantasy world and suggests maybe Tom wasn’t so perfect after all.
Prediction #2 – John wasn’t great at bookkeeping and probably wracked up all those bills Susan is now stuck with
Susan: “You have to stop telling people that you speak with him.”
John: “But I do.”
Susan: “But you don’t, honey.”
Me: “Susan, you’re fucking killing me right now. You’re my parenting hero.”
She is even pushy enough to presume he wants to join a hockey team that I presume he has no interest in. Feeling flustered by this blistering argument with what appears to be a 12 year old, Susan turns to her mobile phone. I don’t know who she’s phoning seeing as she just puts the thing straight to her ear but either way she promptly pulls out and hits another car passing by.
Oh. Fuck. No….. is that…. is that….
Phew, never mind people. For a horrible, stomach sinking moment I thought this guy was back from last year’s Christmas Lodge.
Unfortunately for our guy he does look remarkably like him… I know the Christmas circuit is kinda small but please not Mary and Jack, her entire Christian family and her ex-boyfriend Kent who is probably still at jazz-fest.
ANYWAY!
Prediction #3 – All good relationships start with an argument because if you can’t get on in those early days…. well, it only gets better from there, right? Right?
Susan: “Don’t you look where you’re going you just drove right into me!”
Man: “I hit you!? You pulled out without even looking!”
Susan: “I did not! All I did was…. was…
Man: “Talking on your cellphone…”
Susan: “Oh is that a sexist remark!?”
Me: “…. Who the fuck writes these scripts…?”
Man: “No, no, that was an observation.”
Me: “Oh, OK, we’re just gonna let that crazy remark go, I see.”
Despite the fact Susan’s car is not damaged and the guy says they should just please, for the love of God forget they every met each other, she is still trying to yell at him before he drives off. She also starts grumbling to herself about what else could possibly go wrong with her life. I’m sure that’s a rhetorical question and she doesn’t actually want me to answer.
She’s even having a shit time at work trying to make her next article on the Victorian revival interesting. I guess that explains the Victorian carol singers from yesterday…
Anne honest to fucking Christ has penis on the brain and nothing else. As in I believe she has an actual penis on the brain because she seems to malfunction and start spouting ‘cougar’ every time a man is mentioned. Seriously, she needs a CT scan or something. Susan tells her she got into an argument with her kid about him talking to his dead Dad and all Anne wants to know is whether the guy she drove her car into was hot or not. Luckily Anne is there to tell us running into someone is not a felony unless you were putting your make-up on at the same time… which I imagine she knows because she has done.
Numerous times.
When Anne has to answer a phone call Susan makes a break for it before she has to hear about that time Anne went dogging, again.
This next scene actually made me late for work. (Yes, I have so many Christmas films to write up that I am even doing this at 6am in the morning.) At school John is being reliably weird and talking to thin air which can only lead to bullying because different is bad, kids.
John punches this fat kid which for some reason brings out the Mystery Man Susan drove into that morning. John then proceeds to try and spark the guy out too but doesn’t manage much with his flimsy wrists. I believe what then happens is probably tantamount to child abuse but either way I sat and replayed John’s punches a good three times before I could get over them.
Prediction #4 – This guy is the school’s new teacher or… life coach or some sort of support guy who is going to bond with John much to Susan’s dismay
Anne goes to find Susan out on a park bench and realises her work colleague may just have depression. I probably would too if John was my kid.
Susan: “Sometimes I wonder, ya know, why bother getting up? Or eating or breathing. None of what happens makes any sense.”
Anne: “Does anybody’s life make any sense?”
Me: “Your’s certainly fucking doesn’t.”
Anne kindly compares all of this to that time her sister died and Susan should just work on being happy again. Thank Christ we escape this conversation and hearing about how Anne probably got over her sister’s death by sleeping with her widowed husband because we are called to the school.
Susan is required to see John’s counsellor and we can all only presume who that may be. As soon as the woman is gone ghost Tom shows up and works on making his son look doubly insane by talking to himself outside of the counsellor’s office. What a thoughtful parent.
As predicted Susan is enthralled to see Mystery Man Kevin Harrison at the school and it only gets worse when he informs her that John tried to spark him out earlier. The man casually and oh so subtly mentions hockey so that we can all be informed he is the new hockey coach, too.
Prediction #5 – If you can’t bond over counselling you sure as shit can bond over hockey practice!
Susan can’t help noticing what appears to be a picture of a spy on Kevin’s desk and asks if this may be his wife rather than his MI5 escort. Susan sees absolutely nothing wrong with her aberrant behaviour when he turns the picture around so he doesn’t have to look at it. Probably remembered he shouldn’t have printed that specific photo of a secret agent out to A5 size, frame it and keep it in his office.
Prediction #6 – Kevin has a conveniently deceased spouse. Widowers unite!
While the adults talk about boring adult talk and how the school is demanding Susan send John off to a psychologist because he’s hearing voices… John is sitting outside the door hearing those voices just fine, thanks. Tom is explaining Susan is unable to see him because she’s still too pissed off at him for not keeping his eyes on the road.
John: “So where do you go after? You know… to heaven or what?”
Tom: “It’s kinda complicated…”
John: “You only say that when you don’t want to explain everything to me! Like sex!”
Me: “Woah! What!? Kid, you can barely walk down a corridor without talking to yourself and punching someone! You just… stay the hell away from Anne.”
Kevin is nice enough to leave a space open for John on the hockey team despite the fact he thinks he might be insane and will have blades attached to the bottom of his feet. People make weird choices at Christmas.
I’m unsure what angle the writer’s were going for when they fleshed out Susan’s character as she tells her son the real meaning of Christmas is giving gifts and he just needs to grow the fuck up already.
Prediction #7 – Susan is gonna ask for some bizarre permission to be happy with Kevin in the future at which point Tom will come down and visit her and just be relieved he’s no longer in limbo with this actual psycho
John finds a flyer for some weird local radio station dating search and I feel he may just be more interested in the $50,000 prize money.
Prediction #8 – Susan is getting entered into that competition whether she knows and/or likes it or not
Tom comes back to visit John and between an angry mother and a condescending father… John is gonna be a real catch when he gets older.
John: “Me and Mom aren’t getting along. She just doesn’t know what she wants from one minute to the next.”
Tom: “Well… not only is she your Mom, she’s a woman. Sometimes it’s hard to know what they want.”
Me: “Did…. did a man write this script?”
Turns out Tom never bothered to get anymore life insurance and now Susan can’t pay for the bills and mortgage. No wonder she’s pissed. I’m not sure a ghost trying to explain life insurance to their 10 year old child is the greatest or most normal learning curve I have ever seen but… I guess everyone’s gotta start somewhere.
Tom decides everyone just needs a little more stability. Should we help Susan with her stress? Shall we put routines in place so everyone can do their fair share around the house? Try to alleviate the burden on her? Get her to seek some help and advice? Downsize? Work on her own mind and body before she has a breakdown?
No. Apparently all any woman needs is a man around the house. Ya know the more Tom speaks the more I’m glad he’s dead. I’m sure Susan who is trying to figure out how to keep a roof over her son’s head and having a breakdown in the kitchen would really appreciate her son and dead husband signing her up for a dating search with the local radio.
She’s just gonna love it. I know it.
John is probably not regretting his decision to throw his mother under the bus as he tries to make an effort to enjoy Christmas this year and asks for a tree but she just ain’t feeling it. Instead she goes into a gift shop, pulls out a long list and asks the woman behind the counter for scented candles because she a) couldn’t remember that one product and b) couldn’t just use her own fucking eyes.
Susan: “What an interesting shop. How long have you been here?”
Woman: “Oh… forever and ever.”
Me: “Please don’t be Mrs. Claus or something…”
Susan: “What a lovely antique headboard.”
Woman: “It wasn’t antique when Herbert and I bought it new. We were married 52 years.”
Susan: “Oh, that’s beautiful. Your husband…”
Woman: “Passed. 9 years ago.”
Susan: “I’m sorry to hear that. You must be lonely all by yourself.”
Woman: “Oh no, Herbert is upstairs.”
Me: “Oh my fucking god please say you kept the body!!!”
Turns out she is just on about his spirit because they’ve always lived upstairs and this sparks John off. Susan is now looking at both her son and this shop owner like they both need committing. To help Susan open up her tiny mind the shop owner gives her a book called ‘Spirits & Apparitions of Christmas’. I mean I can’t speak for Herbert but I’m very sure Tom isn’t famous enough to feature in that book unless there is a specific section on people who don’t buy life insurance.
Despite the fact John feels the old lady explained everything in perfect detail Susan is having a hard time believing there is anyone sane left in this town with her. To combat this John goes up to his room to play some tabletop hockey game and shout at himself. Susan is gonna wish she didn’t bother reading that book because it distracts her from the fact her son and dead husband are signing her up to what is essentially a dating site.
John: “What are her hobbies?”
Tom: “Yeah, right, if she had time for hobbies you mean.”
John: “Scuba diving and horseback riding.”
Tom: “She doesn’t do either one of those.”
John: “But it creates a sexy image, Dad. Kind of like a TV commercial.”
Me: “ONE! You are ten years old! TWO! You are talking about your own mother and THREE! THHHHRRREEEEE! You are discussing this with your dead father!”
Tom: “Yeah… OK…. ya know what, put some tennis on there too.”
Me: “I give the fuck up. Seriously. I’ve met you and can confirm even if you had taken out life insurance you would barely cover one month of the mortgage.”
While Tom is waking John back up to play more tabletop hockey and ruining his sleep pattern Susan is downstairs where the lights are flickering and the piano is playing to itself. She is far less terrified than she should be right now. I’d love it if Tom couldn’t even play the piano in life…
One encounter with a self-playing piano and Susan is whinging about the fact John can see his Dad but she can’t. John kindly informs her she needs to stop being so angry otherwise Tom will never find peace but thinks a nice long talk will solve this. Not until things calm down though. … Fuck knows when that will be because John decides to inform her he knows Tom didn’t leave her with any money and they might lose the house. Read the room, kid.
Kevin could also do with reading the room when he skulks up outta nowhere and offers to hang out with John at the ice rink after school despite what John might have had planned.
Kevin: “Maybe I can figure out where these conversations with his Dad are coming from.”
Susan: “Yeah, well…. anything you can suggest I’m open because…. right now I am at a complete loss.”
Me: “Oh…. so…. we’re already back to not believing in our dead husband’s spirit again. Cool.”
John is clearly wondering why the fuck he’s being made to hang out with his counsellor and why he keeps asking about his grades and his Dad.
Kevin: “You know most people would say there isn’t such a thing as a spirit or… ghost.”
John: “I guess…”
Kevin: “Now you understand what common sense means, right?”
Me: “Where the hell is this going…?”
John: “My Dad says common sense is faith and believing in things when someone tries to tell you not to.”
Kevin: “OK, you got me.”
Me: “No he…. he really doesn’t…. he doesn’t get common sense either.”
Kevin is busy telling Susan what she already knew – her son thinks he can see his dead Dad – while Tom/John are debating the fine line between having a ghost talk to someone and freaking them out. You’d be surprised to hear there is about a piano’s difference between the two.
I am unsure why and quite terrified to see Anne looking after John that evening and even more surprised that she doesn’t seem too impressed by the fact the dating site have invited Susan back to be a contestant. Of all the people in the world who would be supportive I was betting on her. Or maybe she entered too and no one got back to her…. Oh, Anne. John apparently has a plan to make her go through with it which I presume is just more identity theft.
Meanwhile Kevin is falling prey to the affliction every man suffers in Christmas films and that is… becoming a stalker. This time he pops out from behind a sign to chase Susan down and suggest he needs time alone with John in an even more relaxed and private environment. Home invasion 101, right there. Susan thinks this is a great idea and for some reason automatically invites the man’s wife to dinner too.
Look, there is already one crazy old woman keeping her husband’s corpse above the shop, why not have Kevin bring his corpse-y wife to dinner too? She has so many stories, seriously, she is just a riot.
When Susan gets back home I am ALARMED to find out that wasn’t Anne at all! No wonder there was no mention of a penis! It’s someone called Diane with the exact same hair cut, colour and pretty much the same bloody face as Anne! I should have gone with my gut instinct when I saw her boobs and thought they looked smaller than usual. Who the fuck is Diane?
Regardless of who she is and the fact she is very skeptical about John talking to dead people Susan decides to tell her about the piano playing to itself anyway. When she mentions the song that was playing Diane mentions that was Tom’s favourite Christmas song. Now, in a previous scene Tom said it was Susan’s favourite Christmas song.
This guy is literally the worst husband.
Susan: “I don’t think it’s Johnathan who needs a shrink. I think it’s me.”
Me: “Wait…. wait…. so…. he can talk to ghosts and start fights and know things he shouldn’t but you hear a piano playing and you need a shrink? This ain’t the fucking Susan show…. This is the Anne show!”
Back in the office Lester loves Susan’s Victorian revival article so much he’s put her on the radio to plug the new issue. I have a feeling this isn’t going to go quite as planned… and as soon as the host starts talking about cupid it is apparent.
Anne, who is egging her on in the background and seems to be in on this whole thing makes me question everything and whether Diane and Anne might actually be the same person. Even Lester, listening in from the office, seems cool with this.
Susan babbles on a bit about how hope and dreaming can be dangerous and can really hurt you when forever doesn’t work out when the host opens up the phone lines to what I can only presume is ‘Sex Pests Ring for Free Hour’.
Sex Pest: “Hey Susan, what a sexy voice you have. Just listening to you makes me all like… hot and bothered. So I just have to say this; will you marry me?”
Me: “What the actual fuck am I watching?”
The host seems completely unperturbed that Susan has ripped her headphones off and exited the studio and just continues to giggle inanely to herself. Let me just list the women we have met so far….
- Emotionally damaged, always angry, always changing her mind, men just cannot understand what she wants so take turns guessing instead
- Our very own cougar sex pest who just loves penis
- The dumbest radio show host on earth who is completely vapid and giggles at everything she hears
I am horrified to tell you both of these things…. A woman helped to write this film and…
DIANE IS ANNE! ANNE IS DIANE! THIS WHOLE TIME SHE WAS SAYING…. HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES CAN THIS HAPPEN TO ME!? I AM DONE, WHAT HAPPENED TO ANNE’S BOOBS LAST SCENE!? IS SHE ONLY A COUGAR WHEN SHE’S WEARING HER PANTSUIT?
I’m taking a minute, guys.
OK. I’m good. So despite the fact Susan hated every second of this betrayal and a stark reminder that her husband is dead on national radio Lester wants her to do an entire piece on the dating scene from her very own perspective as a contestant and thought the entire thing was just wonderful. I naturally assume at this point he is telepathically connected to Diane because at zero point did he have a chance to call her and let her know that. Susan, however, just wants to know whose idea this was in the first place.
Oh John… it’s a good job you enjoy talking to your Dad so much because I fear you about to join him. Tom is actually making his son appear crazy at that very moment while he talks to him from the seats at a hockey game and tries to convince him to play hockey again. Real-life Kevin also rocks up to try and convince him just in time to see Susan storm on stage right.
Kevin is completely unable to read the room and while Susan is trying to give her child the riot act he asks if they’d like to go get some food after practice. John sees this as his chance to avoid an ass-whooping for another few hours and pleads with her to let them go. Burger and chips can really help a person calm down. No. I mean it. You could probably throw burger and chips at a bomb and it would defuse the thing on impact.
I’m starting to get the feeling Diane secretly lives in the damn house with them because she is there again in the morning trying to convince Susan to be a homewrecker just in time for Christmas. It gets worse when a shit load of post comes in from prospective dates on the competition – which, by the way, when I remember that flyer I imagined the entire set up of this ‘contest’ to be much different.
Susan: “No, no, I can’t do this. These guys could all be… sumo wrestlers looking for their mothers or they could be serial killers!”
Me: “…. Are sumo wrestlers with abandonment issues a specific fear of yours to come before serial killers…?”
Even Tom, who is looking on at this point, seems totally cool with the fact Susan might be about to have a date with death and we go on to read aloud some of the letters. Even John decides to join in…
John: “I’m a man looking to share my life with someone special.”
Diane: “Not original but he sounds sincere.”
Me: “Oh, Diane, you think anything with a penis sounds sincere.”
John: “After hearing your hot, sexy voice I’d like to get you under the…”
Susan: “Johnathan, don’t you have homework to do?”
Me: “Why does this kid keep talking about sex in reference to his own mother!?”
I’m quite distracted in this scene as Susan is wearing a T-shirt which appears to have been smeared with ketchup in only the way a psychotic woman with anger issues and depression can. After receiving a call from the radio station she is back with the terrible host and told the host will pick three letters and Susan will pick three letters. What’s the rate of sumo wrestlers looking for their mother’s amongst the population? Is it 1 in 6? I hope it’s 1 in 6.
Susan skirts around some questions about her dead husband and informs everyone she has an 11 year old child. I have a feeling those 6 men on the bench are suddenly much less interested in this competition, which is unfortunate because in the next round she will be meeting them face-to-face.
Date 1 with Sterling the dentist has the man singing the song from his ad at us and making terrible jokes about fillings.
Date 2 with Charlie the cowboy invites us into the inner workings of how he likes his steak and we get to see the giant hat his mom bought for him as a child. We also get to see the woman herself who is at the bar because they go everywhere together…
Date 3 with Dwayne the used car salesman introduces us to the true spirit of narcissism and how easy it is to check out a waitresses butt in a restaurant.
Date 4 is 20 minutes late which gives Susan a chance to call Diane to tell her how terrible men are and follow up her copious amounts of wine with a shot. As relatable as the woman is to me now (predictably) this would be a lot more interesting if she got progressively more drunk throughout the night. Date 4 finally shows up and turns Susan into an immediate tea leaf who shoves her two empty shot glasses into her purse and hiccups at the man.
Date 4 is maybe Craig the lawyer but looks like the most boring man on earth. Susan apparently digs boring because he drives her home and they’re setting up a date for the next day. I’m not sure what happened to the other two contestants… maybe they were caught up in a terrible accident with a sumo wrestler…
Diane obviously wants to know all of the details and plies Susan with more wine. I’m surprised the woman isn’t flat out on the floor at this point.
Diane: “Well, did you enjoy being with him?”
Susan: “….”
Diane: “This is about Tom, isn’t it? Haunting you and playing your favourite Christmas song in the middle of the night.”
Me: “Well… I’m never gonna hear that sentence again in this lifetime.”
The next day Diane answers the door to Craig because Susan is busy upstairs adjusting her boobs in the mirror. The entire family comes down to greet the guy, including the deceased ex-husband he can’t see.
Susan: “Hi, sorry if I’m late.”
Craig: “No, you know, a woman is never late if she is worth waiting for?”
Tom: “Give me a break.”
Me: “Think we’ve found the serial killer!”
There is a wonderfully awkward introduction to Johnathan who decides maybe he doesn’t like pimping his mother out quite as much as he thought and decides to just go and do homework instead.
Unfortunately the date is even more awkward, despite the fact Susan appears to be really into it again, and Craig harps on about love at first sight and starts stroking her hand. I actually gave very involuntary gagging noises at this. He is creepy as fuck.
Prediction #9 – Craig is going to end up shouting at Johnathan and the whole thing will unravel
Susan rocks up at the school to ask Kevin if they can move his home visit to Johnathan to tonight instead of Saturday because she really needs him to babysit her kid while she goes on a date. I’m not entirely sure that’s what counsellors are supposed to be used for…
Kevin: “You know what my wife used to say? Follow your heart and don’t look back. You do that and sometimes life surprises you.”
Me: “With a jail sentence.”
When Craig kisses Susan goodnight, Tom/John, spying from the door, decide they really don’t like their own plans after all and turn to plan B.
Prediction #10 – Kevin is Plan B
Even Kevin has been reading that damn apparition book while waiting for Susan to get back but feels like they’re making great progress with Johnathan. Luckily he is saved by Susan’s phone ringing when she tries, once again, to invite him and his wife over for dinner sometime in the week and quickly escapes the house before he has to explain his MI5 wife is dead.
Upstairs Tom/John are devising some sort of letter and I really think Susan needs to monitor this kids Internet usage. The letter is a Frankenstein’s Monster of quotes from stars such as Kevin’s deceased spy wife and…. Tom.
Tom: “Try working in ‘life happens while you’re waiting for true love’.”
John: “That’s kinda corny though, isn’t it?”
Tom: “Women love corny. Put it in there.”
Me: “You’ve clearly never spoken to any women other than Susan and Diane, have you, Tom?”
This kid even has a printer in his room!!!!! That letter is printed off on definitely inconspicuous bright pink paper and taped up on the fridge ready for Susan to find it in the morning. John demands she read it before they leave for school and she kindly reads it aloud for all of us to enjoy the master workings of Tom… whatshisface. They sign off the letter asking to meet Susan at some coffee shop on Friday so I hope to god they also manage to swindle Kevin into going there at the same time or Susan is going to never look at another man again.
In a shock twist it was Kevin who got stood up at the shop by a ‘sales rep’ and Susan didn’t even bother going. Much to John’s horror which he communicates loudly to her while she tries to toss salad for…. fucks sake Greg, not Craig. Oh, he’s a prick either way. John begs for the help of Tom asking for some sort of ghostly intervention during this dinner which I cannot wait for, especially when the man picks up a hockey puck off the kid’s bed.
I would really rather not be alive for this awkward dinner conversation which ends with John being sent to his room which is honest to God a damn blessing for the kid more than anything. Either way Susan appears to have forgiven him by the end of the night because she checks on him while he’s sleeping which gives Tom a chance to watch her from a chair and keep muttering about not being able to let go. When he tries to hold her hand Susan has a miniature, silent freak-out which is fitting when you’ve just been stroked up by a ghost in the middle of the night.
This is probably why she believes that bright pink letter falling off the fridge was a sign of a haunting rather than a faulty fridge magnet right before Craig calls and insists he wants to spend the last night of the competition with her.
Prediction #11 – Craig is a total con-artist and he’s in need of money
On baby-sitting duties once more both we and Kevin are enlightened to the fact one day John wants to buy his mother a very expensive necklace for Christmas and he’s gonna do it by getting a paper round. Kevin is too polite to explain if he couldn’t afford that as a counsellor and hockey coach then a paper round sure ain’t gonna cut it either and probably thinks the whole journey of defeat, disappointment and financial struggles would be good character building for the kid.
I’m not sure how long they were shopping for but they pull back up that night to Susan and Craig dancing around the living room and blasting what sounds like ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’ and doing a terrible job of looking like they’re having a naturally, wonderful time. Although Susan probably is drunk.
Kevin: “Ya know, Johnathan, I think this is where I take my leave.”
John: “I want you to come in for a minute.”
Me: “Oh God no, please, don’t make me!!”
I think it’s at this point, when Kevin walks in to find Susan drunkenly dancing around the living room, that she realises she has issues the counsellor probably wasn’t meant to see and Johnathan would probably be happier if he just lived with anybody else in the world. Inevitably she tries to mention that dead MI5 wife again and Kevin thinks now would probably be the most appropriate time to tell everyone she died two years ago and wish everyone a Merry Christmas before he gets the fuck outta Dodge.
John chases after him to briefly discuss dead wives and hockey but it’s mostly to get him out of the house while catastrophe unravels because Craig is putting the very same necklace Johnathan wanted to buy his mother around her neck right that second! Oh and she loves it. Oh and she wants to show Johnathan.
Mistaking Johnathan’s immediate tears as jealousy that he didn’t get his own gift Craig pulls out a skateboard because… John definitely showed any sort of interest in skating during any of their interactions and why the hell wasn’t Susan vetting this process. She’s back to being a terrible mother and I’m glad Johnathan runs away from that skateboard and straight outta Dodge. Despite the fact Craig thinks an 11 year old, on his own in the city at night can survive Susan gives chase. Man, there is no one left in Dodge these days.
I am concerned she has just left Craig, unattended, in her house though.
Susan is very dressed up to go searching for a missing child and is passing by that crazy ladies shop when she starts replaying that conversation they had in her head about believing in spirits at Christmas. It’s all very bizarre and has little meaning because the next second she’s at Kevin’s door after he presumably called her to let her know Johnathan was sparked out on his sofa.
Prediction #12 – At least when Kevin sees that necklace he will be able to form words about it and explain instead of simply crying
Kevin: “He’s an easy kid to get attached to.”
Susan: “Don’t I know it.”
Me: “Erm… he’s your child, woman.”
Over coffee Kevin and Susan discuss mental health, children, wives dying of heart disease and the fact Susan still hasn’t bought her child anything for Christmas despite the fact it’s two days away. Oh and Johnathan is going to play the major hockey game of the season tomorrow too. Apparently this is such good news that Susan ends up kissing Kevin because we just love hockey.
Back at home Johnathan admits that he wrote the bright pink letter on behalf of Kevin. Even though she can’t see ol’ dead Tom in that chair she is still pissed off at both of them when she finds out this entire idea was his and everyone is very upset with each other. For the first time in the entire film Tom dispenses some sage advice and tells his kid to keep his head down until Susan has put down that loaded rifle.
Picking up that book again Susan conveniently turns to a chapter telling her spirits need to resolve connections with things they thought were special in the living world before they can be free. I hope the neighbours are still awake because she ends up standing in the window with that hideous star tree topper, talking to herself. Well…. no, she finally turns around and sees Tom but to the neighbours this entire family is fucking nuts, these days.
This scene may have been more moving if the lighting on Tom’s face wasn’t super weird and made him look like a murderer. Either way it turned out it was Tom who was holding on and decides just as his wife gets to see him he’s gonna let go. He does get to stroke her face for a bit before some light comes and takes him away. I hope he said goodbye to John. That kid is going to be broken by the end of this film.
Back at the radio station Susan is about to go on air and open some envelope with the lucky guy’s name in it! Susan and Diane rush off to the rest room which gives John the perfect opportunity to follow the radio host, Carol, and eavesdrop on an impromptu conversation between her and Craig.
Craig is indeed in need of money and is being chased by loan sharks and is blackmailing Carol in order to be the winner. Apparently she likes driving under the influence and Craig covered up those charges for her before and is threatening to go to her manage if this doesn’t work out for him. Credit to her, at least, she was having second thoughts about the entire thing but Craig’s loan shark is on the phone to him and demanding the money in 24 hours before someone comes and breaks his knees or something.
As in all movies instead of just shouting ‘Craig is being harassed by loan sharks’ as soon as his mother marches past John just feebly shouts that he needs to talk to her and, of course, gets shut out of the studio. Even Kevin is listening to the radio from his phone while his poor hockey team stands around waiting for their pep talk and…. wait… isn’t John meant to be there playing too?
Much to the dismay of Carol, Susan decides not to read Craig’s name out from the card but goes rogue and announces the winner is Kevin. I… don’t know if she still gets the money for that but… at least she’ll have a sit-in babysitter now. I adore Kevin’s speech which is basically ‘What are you all standing there for? LET’s GET ‘EM!’ before he wonders where the fuck that even came from and with some movie magic John turns up just in time for the game.
As much as I do love hockey I am solely in it for the brutality so the kid’s game wasn’t entirely up to my standards. Neither was John taking 10 minutes to get changed into his damn gear before he could get out there and save the team because apparently as soon as John got on the ice it became 1000% more icy for the opposition only. I’ve never seen so many people fall over in one game montage.
I adore the game plan Kevin draws out on the little board during their time out when both teams are drawing. I am as shocked as John to see Tom turn back up on the ice because apparently he wasn’t gonna miss the big game for nothing but man is this putting pressure on the kid.
And going full circle Susan sees that weird ass vision of Tom skating off into the white light again, John gets to wave his Dad farewell and… even Kevin gets to see the corpse this time too! He’s not too hung up on it though, John sticks some mistletoe to his hockey stick with the unnatural amount of chewing gum his friend had been hoarding in his hamster cheeks and holds it over his mother and Kevin forgets all about that time he saw a ghost.
Kevin even helps John put that hideous tree topper up on the tree….
I do have to wonder what happened to Carol. And Craig. And did Diane ever get a date from the office party? And is Lester still waiting for Susan to finish her damn article because she essentially went rogue? And who gets the prize money now? And how did Susan even own such a giant house with a grand piano in it anyway?
And so, with very little regret, we finish yet another Christmas chapter. If you want to watch a film that is terrible in both quality, visuals and audio (via this link anyway) please, make your way over here. The audio does eventually match up with the film, I promise.
Prediction board – 8/12
- Prediction #1 – Susan’s marriage will either end very abruptly in death or divorce this Christmas – CORRECT! Death by trip to get a Christmas tree!
- Prediction #2 – John wasn’t great at bookkeeping and probably wracked up all those bills Susan is now stuck with – Technically not true, he just sucked at getting basic admin done. INCORRECT!
- Prediction #3 – Susan and Kevin will build a strong relationship off mutual dislike – CORRECT!
- Prediction #4 – This guy is the school’s new teacher or… life coach or some sort of support guy who is going to bond with John much to Susan’s dismay – The counsellor. I shoulda seen it coming. CORRECT!
- Prediction #5 – Kevin and John will bond over hockey – technically the kid didn’t even play hockey while they were bonding but they were at the ice rink and that counts. CORRECT!
- Prediction #6 – Kevin has a conveniently deceased spouse. Widowers unite! – Easy. CORRECT!
- Prediction #7 – Susan is gonna ask for spectral permission to move on – Nope! Tom was the creepy stalker this time! INCORRECT!
- Prediction #8 – Susan is getting entered into that competition whether she knows and/or likes it or not – that was an easy score. CORRECT!
- Prediction #9 – Craig is going to end up shouting at Johnathan and the whole thing will unravel – unfortunately this never materialised but I just know one more awkward dinner and we’d have had it in the bag! INCORRECT!
- Prediction #10 – Kevin is Plan B – Kevin was plan B. CORRECT!
- Prediction #11 – Craig is a total con-artist and he’s in need of money – COOOOORRRECT!
- Prediction #12 – Kevin will explain that John wanted to buy that exact same necklace himself – didn’t even mention it! INCORRECT!
- Horse and Sleigh: We are apparently against horses these days
- Piano: Yes! FINALLY!
- Carolling: But no one sang around it -.-
- Christmas Montage: I’m not sure the hockey game counted as either a montage or being Christmas-y exactly
- Fire Hazards: Not a one! Since when was safety so important at Christmas?
- Relative(s) died a tragic death during a past Christmas: CHECK! And we got to see this one!
- Snowing on cue: We can apparently no longer command the weather either…
This one was definitely not my favourite film so far and I was really just living in fear of Jack from the Christmas Lodge ripping his way onto the screen at any moment.
Please lord. Some new faces tomorrow. Please.
Lines With Nowhere To Go 
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