Fire Drill 101

CW5 – “I can’t believe I got told off because I was smoking outside during the fire drill. Other people were doing it.”

CW6. “I can see their point, if it was a real fire, but I guess as long as you didn’t light your cigarette off the building.”

Me – “Just casually light that up on the burning staircase as we go.”

CW5 – “It’s not really like… a bag of fire though, is it? I’m not holding a burning wood log.”

CW6 – “… We’re not saying your started it, we’re saying you could light your cigarette off it…”

CW5 – “… Oh….”

CW6 – “Another time being a smart arse failed for you…”

Me – “To be honest I, personally, want to hear more about this ‘bag of fire’.”

Lists: Weird Shit I See On My Work Commute – March Edition

And we’re back with another rousing list of ‘Weird Shit I See On My Work Commute’. Let’s dive straight in, shall we?

Lollipop Ladies at Traffic Lights

So recently, in the town I work, there have been some major roadworks outside of a high school I have the misfortune of passing on my route to and from the office.

Previously there was a lollipop lady who was wedged between two sets of traffic lights about 10 feet away from her on either side. You can imagine both how annoying this was and how awful traffic could get on the road when you’d just gotten past one traffic light only to have this mental, luminous woman jump out from behind a truck with a stick, towing children behind her like the friggin Pied Piper.

Apparently the council thought the best way to combat this was to give the lollipop lady her own set of traffic lights! No joke…. When a kid wanders up to her she presses the red button for them because, I don’t know, they can’t be trusted not to just graffiti the fuck outta it and give the little green man a massive penis or something.

She then waits with them until the light changes red and, despite traffic stopping for the red light…. she stands in the middle of the road to help the children cross. Again, I don’t know whether without her guidance the kids would wander outside of the designated walkway and end up playing in the traffic but there we have it. What’s worse is when more kids rock up to the lights and, beside them turning green, this woman is still standing in the road loving life.

I mean, actually there is something worse. Finally getting past the obstacle that is the lollipop lady and getting stopped at more traffic lights 10 feet away by more children.

The Pink Power Ranger

It’s not the first time I’ve seen the pink Power Ranger outside of a TV screen. This meeting – where a woman dressed entirely in pink with white trainers, white gloves and her hood up was walking down the road – reminded me of the first time I had seen the Power Ranger on a bus in Wolverhampton. I managed to find the message I had sent to my friend a million years ago copied into a note:

I don’t know I mean… the pink power ranger is sitting in front of me on the bus reading the chapter on drugs from Lily Savage’s autobiography and using a random Mexican man’s Royal Maid ID as a bookmark so… I feel I have to now

God only knows what I went on to do; the Pink Power Ranger overshadowed anything that came after.

Extreme Drunk Cycling

This guy was one of my favourites. I mean, except for the worry that as he got closer he was just going to fall into my stationary car and claim I ran him over because as far as he was concerned the entire world was racing around him.

It was difficult to miss him when I could see him 20 feet from the traffic lights weaving around the empty pavement like was navigating a crowd. The irony he had to brake sharply for the inanimate lamppost and seemed shocked to find it there.

At this point I was still unsure whether the man was drunk or just very tired – it was early in the morning. He shattered all doubt, however, when he began to shout at a mannequin wearing a wedding dress in the bridal shop window as he zigzagged past.

The Fake Window

Again. Traffic lights. People are gonna believe I have some weird obsession with them. Anyway, I was sitting at the traffic lights when I looked up at a house and thought ‘Oh, how pretty, they have coordinated their door, door frame and window frames to compliment each other. That’s really nice. Especially the upstairs middle window where even the glass looks… looks… non-reflective… and… flat… almost like it’s been painted on and stuck up in the place a window should be.. In fact, that is exactly what has happened. Why would someone do that?’

Now you know people, never let anything perturb you, not even the basic structural design of your house.

Media of the Month – March 17

Welcoming a new recurring blog post…… MEDIA OF THE MOOOOOONTH!

At the end of every month I’ll choose the video/meme/image/tweet/post/list/song that bought me the most joy or connected with me the most deeply. (By which I mean reminded me of the fact I have no soul.)

Kicking us off for the first time EVER I think we got something really special and I have been playing this since the 16th March on a loop whenever I wondered what I was doing with my life.

Enjoy!

 

 

Note – for some reason this video may display as ‘not available’ on mobile. Here’s another link for you mobile users.

 

 

The thought of being pregnant doesn’t bother me. It’s the thought of what happens when I stop being pregnant.” – Me, being asked if I am too scared to have children

(Note: I am 25. I do not have children, I do not want children, I hate children and anything I – no doubt accidentally – produce will be the literal spawn of Satan. I don’t mean does drugs, robs and commits general crime sort of Satan. I mean the world starts shaking, the ground splits open and the whole hospital is dragged down into hell with me sort of Satan. You know. Me 2.0.)

Always Take the Weather With You

Nan – “Well the other day when I watched the weather it said Tuesday would be sunny. But now it’s just said it’s going to be cloudy with some rain. I’m going to wait for ‘Countryfile’ and see what they say.”

Me – “Do you particularly trust the ‘Countryfile’ weather forecast?”

Nan – “Oh yes. I’m much more likely to believe what they say about Tuesday.”

Me – “What’s happening Tuesday?”

Nan – “Nothing.”

Me – “…… Then what are you so bothered about the weather for?!”

Auntie Jan – *Shrugging*

Technique

The team played this quick game from Sporcle where you basically just beat the shit out of your keyboard and try to beat the time. Obviously the surrounding teams in the office loved us when 8 people started hammering on the space bar – aka. noisiest bar on earth – and shouting at each other across the desk.

5 minutes later…

Me – “CW5, are you doing it again?”

CW5 – “I’m just trying different techniques.”

Me – “Oh my God, you’re not….”

CW1 – “It’s just not that deep…”

Me – “How many techniques are there… to hit a key… on the keyboard…?”

CW5 – “You’d be surprised, Hayley.”

Me – “Oh, I don’t think I would.”

CW7 – “There’s two ways. With your hand and with your head.”

Me – “You mean when I smash the keyboard over CW5’s head?”

CW7 – “Yeah, that.”