Nan-isms

On the Jungle Book remake:

We’re not watching that again, I know all the lines. I’m the stand-in in case anything goes wrong.

On the film Titanic:

I’ve seen that bloody film so often I know the time on the Captain’s watch.

On a TV series on Netflix:

Emma: We watched this before but I don’t remember what happens in it…

Nan: I do.

 On me leaving the house:

Me: Right, I’m going now. I’ll pop down again soon.

Nan: Is that a promise or a threat?

Never Alone

Me, checking Friday night plans – “Is it just me tomorrow until you get back from work? Please tell me it is.”

Mom – “No, Matt and Charlotte will be in but they’re going out.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “So they’ll be here but not here.”

Me – “…”

Mom – “You know what I mean!”

Me – “I do. I just think there are better ways to go about it.”

They don’t half come up with some shit. I did hear him saying at one point:

‘We work 9-5 in an office 5 days a week when we should be utilising our current technology; for a modern company we are very old fashioned with how we work.’

Which he countered with OH LOOK HOW CRAZY AND INNOVATIVE WE ARE BY MAKING EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE MOVE SEATS DEPENDING ON CLIENT RATHER THAN TEAM!!

Fuck. Off. With your turn of the century, two hour long PowerPoint presentation and shove it up your arse.

After the world’s most boring, uninformative company meeting known to man.

There’s Water In My Rust

CW6 – “Does anyone else think the water tastes of metal?”

Me – “Yeah.”

CW6 – “What, have you still been drinking it?”

Me – “Yeah, I’ve drank water that tasted like metal before. I haven’t died yet. It’s probably fine.”

CW6 – “What!?”

Me – “You’ve clearly never been to Bilston…”

CW0 – “If you’re not happy with it maybe you should email the Office Manager?”

Me – “Sure. You can send ‘We don’t get paid enough to drink rust.'”

CW0 – “Sounds good to me.”

 

Fire Drill 101

CW5 – “I can’t believe I got told off because I was smoking outside during the fire drill. Other people were doing it.”

CW6. “I can see their point, if it was a real fire, but I guess as long as you didn’t light your cigarette off the building.”

Me – “Just casually light that up on the burning staircase as we go.”

CW5 – “It’s not really like… a bag of fire though, is it? I’m not holding a burning wood log.”

CW6 – “… We’re not saying your started it, we’re saying you could light your cigarette off it…”

CW5 – “… Oh….”

CW6 – “Another time being a smart arse failed for you…”

Me – “To be honest I, personally, want to hear more about this ‘bag of fire’.”

Lists: Weird Shit I See On My Work Commute – March Edition

And we’re back with another rousing list of ‘Weird Shit I See On My Work Commute’. Let’s dive straight in, shall we?

Lollipop Ladies at Traffic Lights

So recently, in the town I work, there have been some major roadworks outside of a high school I have the misfortune of passing on my route to and from the office.

Previously there was a lollipop lady who was wedged between two sets of traffic lights about 10 feet away from her on either side. You can imagine both how annoying this was and how awful traffic could get on the road when you’d just gotten past one traffic light only to have this mental, luminous woman jump out from behind a truck with a stick, towing children behind her like the friggin Pied Piper.

Apparently the council thought the best way to combat this was to give the lollipop lady her own set of traffic lights! No joke…. When a kid wanders up to her she presses the red button for them because, I don’t know, they can’t be trusted not to just graffiti the fuck outta it and give the little green man a massive penis or something.

She then waits with them until the light changes red and, despite traffic stopping for the red light…. she stands in the middle of the road to help the children cross. Again, I don’t know whether without her guidance the kids would wander outside of the designated walkway and end up playing in the traffic but there we have it. What’s worse is when more kids rock up to the lights and, beside them turning green, this woman is still standing in the road loving life.

I mean, actually there is something worse. Finally getting past the obstacle that is the lollipop lady and getting stopped at more traffic lights 10 feet away by more children.

The Pink Power Ranger

It’s not the first time I’ve seen the pink Power Ranger outside of a TV screen. This meeting – where a woman dressed entirely in pink with white trainers, white gloves and her hood up was walking down the road – reminded me of the first time I had seen the Power Ranger on a bus in Wolverhampton. I managed to find the message I had sent to my friend a million years ago copied into a note:

I don’t know I mean… the pink power ranger is sitting in front of me on the bus reading the chapter on drugs from Lily Savage’s autobiography and using a random Mexican man’s Royal Maid ID as a bookmark so… I feel I have to now

God only knows what I went on to do; the Pink Power Ranger overshadowed anything that came after.

Extreme Drunk Cycling

This guy was one of my favourites. I mean, except for the worry that as he got closer he was just going to fall into my stationary car and claim I ran him over because as far as he was concerned the entire world was racing around him.

It was difficult to miss him when I could see him 20 feet from the traffic lights weaving around the empty pavement like was navigating a crowd. The irony he had to brake sharply for the inanimate lamppost and seemed shocked to find it there.

At this point I was still unsure whether the man was drunk or just very tired – it was early in the morning. He shattered all doubt, however, when he began to shout at a mannequin wearing a wedding dress in the bridal shop window as he zigzagged past.

The Fake Window

Again. Traffic lights. People are gonna believe I have some weird obsession with them. Anyway, I was sitting at the traffic lights when I looked up at a house and thought ‘Oh, how pretty, they have coordinated their door, door frame and window frames to compliment each other. That’s really nice. Especially the upstairs middle window where even the glass looks… looks… non-reflective… and… flat… almost like it’s been painted on and stuck up in the place a window should be.. In fact, that is exactly what has happened. Why would someone do that?’

Now you know people, never let anything perturb you, not even the basic structural design of your house.