Category Archives: Lists

Lists: Weird Shit I See On My Work Commute – March Edition

And we’re back with another rousing list of ‘Weird Shit I See On My Work Commute’. Let’s dive straight in, shall we?

Lollipop Ladies at Traffic Lights

So recently, in the town I work, there have been some major roadworks outside of a high school I have the misfortune of passing on my route to and from the office.

Previously there was a lollipop lady who was wedged between two sets of traffic lights about 10 feet away from her on either side. You can imagine both how annoying this was and how awful traffic could get on the road when you’d just gotten past one traffic light only to have this mental, luminous woman jump out from behind a truck with a stick, towing children behind her like the friggin Pied Piper.

Apparently the council thought the best way to combat this was to give the lollipop lady her own set of traffic lights! No joke…. When a kid wanders up to her she presses the red button for them because, I don’t know, they can’t be trusted not to just graffiti the fuck outta it and give the little green man a massive penis or something.

She then waits with them until the light changes red and, despite traffic stopping for the red light…. she stands in the middle of the road to help the children cross. Again, I don’t know whether without her guidance the kids would wander outside of the designated walkway and end up playing in the traffic but there we have it. What’s worse is when more kids rock up to the lights and, beside them turning green, this woman is still standing in the road loving life.

I mean, actually there is something worse. Finally getting past the obstacle that is the lollipop lady and getting stopped at more traffic lights 10 feet away by more children.

The Pink Power Ranger

It’s not the first time I’ve seen the pink Power Ranger outside of a TV screen. This meeting – where a woman dressed entirely in pink with white trainers, white gloves and her hood up was walking down the road – reminded me of the first time I had seen the Power Ranger on a bus in Wolverhampton. I managed to find the message I had sent to my friend a million years ago copied into a note:

I don’t know I mean… the pink power ranger is sitting in front of me on the bus reading the chapter on drugs from Lily Savage’s autobiography and using a random Mexican man’s Royal Maid ID as a bookmark so… I feel I have to now

God only knows what I went on to do; the Pink Power Ranger overshadowed anything that came after.

Extreme Drunk Cycling

This guy was one of my favourites. I mean, except for the worry that as he got closer he was just going to fall into my stationary car and claim I ran him over because as far as he was concerned the entire world was racing around him.

It was difficult to miss him when I could see him 20 feet from the traffic lights weaving around the empty pavement like was navigating a crowd. The irony he had to brake sharply for the inanimate lamppost and seemed shocked to find it there.

At this point I was still unsure whether the man was drunk or just very tired – it was early in the morning. He shattered all doubt, however, when he began to shout at a mannequin wearing a wedding dress in the bridal shop window as he zigzagged past.

The Fake Window

Again. Traffic lights. People are gonna believe I have some weird obsession with them. Anyway, I was sitting at the traffic lights when I looked up at a house and thought ‘Oh, how pretty, they have coordinated their door, door frame and window frames to compliment each other. That’s really nice. Especially the upstairs middle window where even the glass looks… looks… non-reflective… and… flat… almost like it’s been painted on and stuck up in the place a window should be.. In fact, that is exactly what has happened. Why would someone do that?’

Now you know people, never let anything perturb you, not even the basic structural design of your house.

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Lists: Weird Shit I See On My Work Commute – February Edition

So, I have been ridiculously busy lately with the 10 million things I do and hobbies I have to try and distract myself from the fact I live on a shitty, weather-beaten island sinking under the weight of its own stupidity.

However, it becomes harder to put something to one side when you have to see it with your own eyes. Here is a list, for your eyes, of things I have seen in the last fortnight driving to and from work:

Man humping a digger

I’m starting strong here because this was by far my favourite thing from the last fortnight. Unfortunately the workman was not actually standing and humping the arm of his digger (if he was then 8am in the morning during roadworks next to a set of traffic lights whilst wearing a Hi Vis jacket was not the way to go), but was actually trying to pull a lever up on the side of the arm.

Instead of standing to the side of the lever to try and move it he was instead standing at the front of the arm and just… consistently ramming himself into it whilst he struggled. I thought I was seeing a true love story. Real. Brave. True love.

Just a man struggling with his digger. His friend eventually came to help but by then my lights had changed to green and I was laughing far too hysterically to safely drive through the 20 mph school zone. I may have almost mowed down the lollipop lady – but she does have a habit of jumping out from behind buses and trucks.

I don’t think she’s happy in her current job.

Hedge Bin

Now, in the town I work there are bins next to all of the bus stops or bus shelters. If you were after a bin you would just need to follow the nearest bus route.

Hooooowever, at another set of traffic lights, which is inconveniently right next to a bus stop, I looked across the road and saw a bin. In a hedge. Hovering 4 foot off the floor. And the people waiting for the bus were not perturbed in the slightest by this!

It wasn’t the type of bin that looked as if it were capable of free-standing, and might get blown over in a light breeze, so I can really only assume that the council had wedged it into some poor, unsuspecting homeowner’s hedge to keep in line with the town’s mathematical code:

Bus stop = Bin

Dramatic Entering of a Car

Honest to God this stuff always happens when I get stopped at a red light.

On a little slip road two guys were having a massive argument next to their cars, I can only presume someone cut someone up or almost ran into them and they’d parked up in order to argue this out like primates in the jungle.

The argument ended pretty quickly when Guy #2 walked back to his car and flung his door open so violently it wrenched out of his hand and bounced back, before excruciatingly slowly and very gently swinging back closed.

The two guys just looked at each other for a couple of moments before Guy #2 yelled something unintelligible, opened his door again and dived head first into the car.

Hedge People

Most of my route to and from work is spent on a road that is 60mph and cuts through lots of fields and farmland. I rarely get to drive at 60mph. Even if I did my car begins to whistle if it hits anything over 70 and I fear it will just fall over itself.

05

This is my exact car but… cleaner. Here Citroen is giving the impression of speed. They are lying. If the car was really driving that quickly the wing mirrors and tyres would have flown off by now.

Anyway, luckily I was not driving at 60mph otherwise I would have missed the man on the side of the road, emerging from an actual hedge, in an Hawaiian themed shirt and pink shorts…. eating an icecream. I mean… It’s still pretty much winter in England, for all that amounts to.

If only we could all live like the hedge people.

Lists: Jobs That Are Not Mine

So, it’s that time of the year when I need to start thinking about my car insurance for January. Of course, this means filling out all of those online forms to get a quote.

Now, things always get pretty interesting when filling out my occupation… I work in digital marketing which is *ahem* – an umbrella term for the marketing of products or services using digital technologies, mainly on the Internet, but also including mobile phones, display advertising, and any other digital medium. Thanks Wikipedia!

Digital marketing, or anything connected to it, is never included on these drop down lists because apparently the Internet is a sentient being that needs no management. So now that I am no longer needed here I decided to use the Hastings Direct occupation list as a job search for my new, not-as-niche-as-digital-marketing, career path.

Here are a few options (and remember, these are main occupations):

  • After Dinner Speaker
  • Aircraft Surface Finisher
  • Almoner
  • Amusement Arcade Worker
  • Announcer
  • Archdeacon
  • Archbishop
  • Armourer
  • Asbestos Remover
  • Au Pair
  • Bacon Curer (my new career path)
  • Balloonist
  • Basket Worker
  • Bishop
  • Bottler
  • Chicken Chaser
  • Chicken Sexer
  • Choirmaster
  • Circus Proprietor
  • Coach Sprayer
  • Curtain Hanger
  • Director of Environment
  • Diver
  • Doll Maker
  • Embalmer
  • Evangelist
  • Expedition Leader
  • Fortune Teller
  • Gambler
  • Juggler
  • Kissogram Person
  • Meat Inspector
  • Monk
  • Ostler
  • Pearl Stringer
  • Progress Chaser
  • Water Diviner

There are so many more occupations I could take up but these were my favourite and, in all honesty, I’m now really depressed that I’m not a Bacon Curer.

It doesn’t matter anyway, I still haven’t been able to finish my car insurance because, when adding an additional driver, I don’t believe the question:

‘When did Driver 2 get their driver’s lisence?”

Can be answered with:

‘Ooh, it was a long time ago now….”

Lists: Things I have found in the bathroom

  • One Direction mug on the windowsill – I am the youngest person in the household at 24 and I hate every one of those faces on that mug. No matter which way you turn it you can always see one and so it can’t live on as a serviceable toothbrush holder either. My brother only listens to heavy metal and my mom doesn’t know these people exist. Everyone denies bringing it into the house. That only leaves our now dearly departed dog who can now, obviously, not answer any of our questions (and his ability to do this before death was also questionable). My oldest brother no longer lives at home, but he does have a key, and I presume if anyone in the family was to enjoy the ‘musical’ workings of One Direction, it would be him.
  • The pineapple in the sink – One morning I wandered into the bathroom to find a whole pineapple in the sink. I didn’t question it. I worked around it. When I got home the pineapple was gone and no one has ever mentioned it. We don’t eat a lot of fruit in our house, unless it’s being used as a cocktail ingredient, so I can only presume there was some confusion on the best way to store your pineapple.
  • A book called ‘The Fatal Strain’ – It’s called ‘The Fatal Strain’. It’s in the bathroom. I laughed way more than I should. It’s actually about the Avian Flu.
  • A dried piece of noodle in a shower scrunchie – My relaxing bath was interrupted when I realised the thing I had been staring at for 5 minutes, trying to figure out what the hell it was but too terrified to get any closer, was in fact a dried piece of noodle stuck to a shower scrunchie. In the bathroom. Amidst the scrunchies lined up at the side of the bath. A dried noodle. Some people take this relaxation thing real serious.

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