My new favourite pass time is to work my way through Yu-Gi-Oh! on Netflix and every time someone uses the word ‘deck’ I replace it with ‘dick’.
I watched these when I was a kid but man, am I enjoying watching these far more now.
We will be doing an awful version of a series review, mostly just sharing our favourite re-imagined lines here, as well as anything else which makes us laugh.
Me and Kieran also have a running bet with the world in general that the card ‘Dark Magician’ will make an appearance in every one of Yugi’s battles. I will also be listing some other common cards as and when we see them.
So, it’s time to d-d-d-d-d-duel! (With penises)
The Heart of the Cards
High schooler Yugi Moto and his friends become embroiled in a deadly match of Duel Monsters when champion Seto Kaiba kidnaps Yugi’s grandfather.
“I trust in my Grandfather’s dick.”
“The dick senses my doubt…”
Grandad: “Blue Eyes White Dragon! So rare, so powerful, I never let it leave my hands!”
Me: “Literally was not in his hand two seconds ago.”
- Dark Magician (1/1)
- Blue Eyes White Dragon x3 (1/1)
- Exodia (1/1)
- Gaia the Fierce Knight (1/1)
We forgot that this show gives the back story as to Yugi’s magical powers predominantly in the opening credits, so just know that everyone is cool seeing the little guy walking around with this hulking Millennium Puzzle necklace on all the time and sometimes randomly shouting “Yu-Gi-Oh!” when he starts duelling.
They’re also cool with the extra highlights in his hair and extra deep voice he gets too when he happily hands over all bodily control to a Pharoah from ancient Egypt trapped in the Millennium puzzle.
So Yugi is telling everyone at school about the game shop his Grandad conveniently owns and that sometimes he has rare cards.
Kaiba, who is not only some duelling champ but also owns his own giant corporation, shows up at the shop asking to see some rare cards. Yugi’s Grandad shows him his Blue Eyes White Dragon – which is not a euphemism for anything – but won’t sell it because his very heart and soul is intertwined with this card. Not to mention only 4 exist in the entire world.
Obviously Kaiba is like ‘Bruh… what’s wrong with my money?’ and forces poor Grandad to go and duel with him at his offices. He is, however, nice enough to call Yugi at the shop to explain his Grandad is having a heart attack in the office foyer so he should probably come and pick him up right away.
Rushing over there with his friends we find out Kaiba bossed Grandad and took his Blue Eyes White Dragon from him. In a bizarre and clearly unthought out twist of events Kaiba rips up the card so it can never be used against him.
Now…. this would make more sense if a) in the upcoming duel against Yugi… he didn’t summon 3 Blue Eyes White Dragons and so just ruined the chances of owning all 4 in existence and b) if at this point he actually believed in this ‘heart of the cards’ bullshit people keep harping on about.
Anyway, Yugi’s friends Tristan and Téa (UK version names) take Grandad off to the hospital whilst Joey stays to cheer Yugi on while he transforms into Yami Yugi (who is a 5000 year old Egyptian Pharaoh who clearly liked to gamble) and duels Kaiba in a state of the art arena where the monsters appear to come to life. I’m not… entirely sure what they’re duelling for at this point because Grandad’s favourite card is loooooong gone, but either way Yami Yugi manages to summon Exodia and wipe out Kaiba’s entire hand.
Let it be known that Grandad strictly said, earlier, no one had ever managed to summon Exodia due to the fact you need to put 5 cards together – for his limbs and head – in order to do so, but the heart of the cards and all that…
Yami Yugi, being all powerful and magical and shit, hits Kaiba with some powerful life lessons that basically give the poor man a breakdown, all whilst Kaiba’s younger brother is watching and wondering why is brother’s brain is leaking out of his ears.
Everything is cool, Grandad doesn’t die and we meet the mysterious man who has a brass button instead of an eye and a specific interest in Yugi.
See you next episode, folks!